Dave Sanderson

You wanted to check up on your friend and that guy, your ex, so you made up a story about weed so you could stake out their date. I did not. There actually was weed here. It's okay. I think it's kind of cute.

I like Miss Knope. I gotta say when I first met her, I didn't care much for her, because, like 99% of the people in any given day of my life, she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Miss Knope was attractive to me as a man. I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

The original title of this was 'a lively fisting'. But they had to change it. For obvious reasons.

It's Madeleine Albright. - That's her name? I call mine nana. - No, that's Madeleine Albright. First female Secretary of State.

Will Sandra Day O'Connor and Michelle Obama and Condoleezza Rice and Nancy Pelosi... Are they gonna join us? - No, they won't. - Good, 'cause I don't happen to agree with Miss Pelosi's views about the troubled assets relief program.

Roger that. - Copy. Over and out.

I think that's a sweater-shirt combo.

Are you impressed that I know what it's called? I ought to give you a lift home. Good. Well, in London, they call the elevators lifts, you're gonna give me an elevator home?

When I was 16, I had sex with a married woman. When I was in college, I smoked a decent amount of pot. Nothing insane.

Last night was our first date, so that would make tonight our second.

That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer. In a way, that's a compliment.

And she made out with me in my cop car, which is pretty neat. I shouldn't have said that. That's clear to me now.

Turdish? Yes. Like a turd. Like a little turd.

You have a scary face. Hey! No, in a good way. Scary cute.

Look, I will waterboard you. No, no. I don't think she would make a good cop.

Yes, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was involved. We had, romantic... Romantical involvement until I relocated to San Diego. Which is... That's in California, which is southwest of here by a number of miles.

Cool. I'm going to go to the gas station and get a frozen burrito and eat it right there at that table.

Oh, you mean the whiz palace. Yes, Leslie calls it that sometimes. I know. It's kind of cute, right? Yeah, that's real cute.

I'm still in love with you. What did you just say? Nothing. I did... Nothing. Nothing was said.

That information is... It's not pertinent, frankly, at this juncture. I just said to you one thing. And you're contriring me. I don't think that's a word.

What are you doing? I'm doing that. Are you serious? You brought it on yourself.

He said, 'I've got somewhere important to go, and I don't respect her as a woman.' He said that. And then he acted more effeminate than he does in front of you.

He's shrimpy. And he's small. Shrimpy or not, he's smart and he's cute and he's kind and he's funny. He's got a great face and nice hair, and he's... Okay, that's... I get it. I surrender.

Pretty sweet sauce in there, eh, Ace? What's wrong with you? I don't know.