Dave Sanderson

Dave · Leslie:You wanted to check up on your friend and that guy, your ex, so you made up a story about weed so you could stake out their date. I did not. There actually was weed here. It's okay. I think it's kind of cute.

Dave:I like Miss Knope. I gotta say when I first met her, I didn't care much for her, because, like 99% of the people in any given day of my life, she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Miss Knope was attractive to me as a man. I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Dave:The original title of this was 'a lively fisting'. But they had to change it. For obvious reasons.

Leslie · Dave:It's Madeleine Albright. - That's her name? I call mine nana. - No, that's Madeleine Albright. First female Secretary of State.

Dave · Leslie:Will Sandra Day O'Connor and Michelle Obama and Condoleezza Rice and Nancy Pelosi... Are they gonna join us? - No, they won't. - Good, 'cause I don't happen to agree with Miss Pelosi's views about the troubled assets relief program.

Dave · Leslie Knope:Roger that. - Copy. Over and out.

Dave:I think that's a sweater-shirt combo.

Leslie Knope · Dave:Are you impressed that I know what it's called? I ought to give you a lift home. Good. Well, in London, they call the elevators lifts, you're gonna give me an elevator home?

Dave:When I was 16, I had sex with a married woman. When I was in college, I smoked a decent amount of pot. Nothing insane.

Dave:Last night was our first date, so that would make tonight our second.

Dave · Leslie:That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer. In a way, that's a compliment.

Dave:And she made out with me in my cop car, which is pretty neat. I shouldn't have said that. That's clear to me now.

Dave · Leslie:Turdish? Yes. Like a turd. Like a little turd.

Leslie · Dave:You have a scary face. Hey! No, in a good way. Scary cute.

Leslie · Dave:Look, I will waterboard you. No, no. I don't think she would make a good cop.

Dave:Yes, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was involved. We had, romantic... Romantical involvement until I relocated to San Diego. Which is... That's in California, which is southwest of here by a number of miles.

Dave:Cool. I'm going to go to the gas station and get a frozen burrito and eat it right there at that table.

Ben · Dave:Oh, you mean the whiz palace. Yes, Leslie calls it that sometimes. I know. It's kind of cute, right? Yeah, that's real cute.

Dave · Leslie:I'm still in love with you. What did you just say? Nothing. I did... Nothing. Nothing was said.

Dave · Ben:That information is... It's not pertinent, frankly, at this juncture. I just said to you one thing. And you're contriring me. I don't think that's a word.

Ben · Dave:What are you doing? I'm doing that. Are you serious? You brought it on yourself.

Dave:He said, 'I've got somewhere important to go, and I don't respect her as a woman.' He said that. And then he acted more effeminate than he does in front of you.

Dave · Leslie:He's shrimpy. And he's small. Shrimpy or not, he's smart and he's cute and he's kind and he's funny. He's got a great face and nice hair, and he's... Okay, that's... I get it. I surrender.

Dave · Ben:Pretty sweet sauce in there, eh, Ace? What's wrong with you? I don't know.