Councilman Jamm

Jamm:Occupied!

Jamm:I think it is crazy that the most junior city councilor gets a private bathroom just because she is a girl.

Jamm:I'm going to drop my liquids in here, take my solids down the hall. Deal?

Jamm:It's because the two leading industries here are corn syrup and rubber nipples. It is a dentistry jackpot.

Jamm:Well, D.D.S. Doesn't stand for 'dumb, dumb, stupid.'

Jamm:Not my initials, but thank you so much.

Jamm:I've got Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Jamm:You're missing the backs of your upper canines. Sloppy technique.

Jamm:Can't wait to drop my kids at the pool. By 'kids,' I mean turds.

Jamm:Because it's fun in the sun!

Jamm:You don't even have to be Asian to do math that simple.

April · Jamm:You told me you wanted a dog park. Uh, psych.

Jamm:You just got jammed.

Jamm:He is dry-humping my garden gnome. Stupid beast.

Jamm:Nice try. It didn't work. You just got jammed.

Jamm · Unknown:Let the record show there was a standing ovation. / No, there wasn't. / There was not. / History will decide.

Jamm:We make money. They make money. They make burgers. We eat burgers. That's a win-win-win-win.

Jamm:Presentation over. Jamm out.

Leonard · Jamm:Everyone in Pawnee is dead. Including Councilman Jamm. / What? No, no, you can't do that. It says right there, you're dead, so is everyone you care about. / Oh, well, joke's on you. I don't have anyone I care about.

Leslie · Jamm:I can't hear you. I'm a ghost. / Yeah, well, so am I, so you can hear me! Ghost jammed!

Jamm:Parks are stu-pid.

Jamm:Hey, butter-teeth, what's up? I can fix those chompers for you. Just come to Jamm Orthodontics.

Jamm:♪ Here comes the boo ♪ ♪ All dressed in boo ♪ ♪ Boo, Leslie Knope ♪

Jamm:Amazon, baby, that's how. You are looking at a prime customer, everybody. Two days free shipping for this guy.

Jamm:I got five bathrooms.

Jamm:Well, if it isn't the defendant, Ron Swansuck.

Jamm:The nurse still won't have sex with me, and she's not even queer.

Jamm · Tom:It's what we in the Jamm family call... 'Payback time.' / Everyone calls it that. / Yeah, because I invented it.

Jamm:I'm not not going to win nothing.

Jamm:You got jammed by your own team. Self-jamm!

Jamm · Milton:- Yeah, I know. - I feel very ill.

Jamm:Well, on the one hand, I love cutting government programs. On the other hand, mini-golf rules. And on the third hand, I hate both you and Ron Swanson.

Jamm:I'm kind of a badass wild card.

Jamm:Hey, what are you doing tonight? More like who am I doing? No one. I'm free. What's up?

Jamm:Some fat Hawaiian guy left it in my waiting room. When he came back, I was all like, 'Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, no, I haven't seen it. I don't know.' Classic.

Jamm:You know I have irritable bowel syndrome, you racist.

Jamm · Chris:You guys sound like school. I have two important pieces of caddy information. Councilman Jamm leads by eight strokes, and you are both about to set a course record. For friendship.

Jamm:My word is garbage. Everyone knows that.

Jamm:Tongue baths? Eggplants? Firemen? Those men are heroes who deserve respect! 9/11!

Jamm:This will be blown way out of proportion! You have my word on it!

Jamm · Leslie:Alright, sadly, due to your 'intracksidence'-- Not a word.

Jamm:I don't think I'm out of line when I say that this scandal makes Benghazi look like whitewater! It's utterly meaningless.

Jamm · Unknown:Perhaps he or she-- Or them. It could be a bunch of hot ladies.

Jamm:How dare you demean the value of the political points I'm scoring?

Jamm:Are you dooking on my chest right now?

Jamm:I love Chinese crap. Lucy Liu, Nintendo, Gangnam Style, sushi, et cetera, et cetera.

Leslie · Jamm:All I want is the promise of democracy. / You sure about that? / I want that marg. / I know you do.

Jamm:Hey, Knope, how you feeling over there? You need to go pee-pee? Pee-pee times? Make wee-wee?

Jamm:The voters, to use a technical political term, gave you the stanky boot.

Jamm · Leslie:What, you think I'm gonna use it to put a new limestone shower in my office? Yeah, now I do.

Jamm · Leslie:No shoes, you lose. That means we should have shoes then, right? No shoes...

Jamm · Leslie:It's not sexual. I'm just a really big fan of her game. Because in that picture, she's wearing a bikini. Yeah, thanks. Photoshopped it myself.

Jamm:How sweet is this table, by the way, huh? I got it from an actual benihana. Cost me 4 grand. Worth every penny. Hai!

Jamm:Can I interest anyone in an authentic a-Japanese a-break-a-fast? Scrambled eggs eaten with chopsticks?

Jamm · Chris:You eat the shells, and you throw the seeds out. Wow. You have really immersed yourself in Asian culture.

Jamm:Ugh, Lezzie. Come on, I'm getting bored.

Jamm:Oh, no, no, no. I'm Sandra Dee. That's more of my register. You're Zuko.

Jamm · Leslie:You are my Nemesis. You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor. You want to be Lex Luthor? Uh, yeah. Lex Luthor is rich.

Leslie · Jamm:You don't make sushi rolls out of tuna salad-- Maybe you don't.

Leslie · Jamm:You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool. I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice very grating.

Jamm:I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice very grating.

Jamm:What is that? Just general rock, man. It's gonna be fun. She's my cherry pie Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah