The Phone Message

The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV sliding off the sofa with crumbs on their face.

'We have soda! We have soda! We have soda!' Jumping, laughing, flying through the air. It's a can of soda.

Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine.

When women smile, I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic.

Remember Quayle when Bentsen gave him the Kennedy line? That's what I looked like.

For me to ask a woman out, I gotta get into a mental state like karate guys before they break bricks.

And to cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple. I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, makes you sound casual. Yeah, like a farm boy.

Enthusiastic hi, that's beautiful. I don't get the enthusiastic hi, I'm out of there.

It's like robbing a bank. Don't loiter in front of the teller with a bag of money. You make your hit and get out.

I can't stand doing laundry, that's why I have 40 pairs of underwear. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year.

Let me hear you try a Scottish accent. That's Irish. Irish, Scottish. What's the difference, lassie?

No, thanks. I can't drink coffee at night. It keeps me up.

Awkward silence and abrupt scene end after George's coffee rejection

I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted. Unless you want to go to your place. Okay, but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking for.

'Take it easy.' 'Take it easy!'

I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note. It's common courtesy. That's just the way I was brought up. Values are important.

Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I don't feel comfortable in them.

I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial.

You like that commercial? I like that commercial. You like that commercial?

I could sit on a porch and wrestle around and maybe even be part of a real bull session.

They're not talking about pants. They're talking about nothing. That's the point.

All those quick shots of the pants. Just pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?

The guy will be like, 'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?'

Germs were building a town in there. They were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.

Coffee's not coffee. Coffee is sex. Maybe coffee was coffee. Coffee's coffee in the morning, not at 12:00 at night.

Yeah, people who work at NORAD who are on 24-hour missile watch.

Women don't want to see need. They want a take-charge guy, a colonel, a Kaiser, a czar.

I don't know what your parents did to you.

Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking: 'Sorry, buddy. Should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelets for breakfast every morning for the last 30 years.'

That's as good as anything you do.

I can't call a woman with other people in the room.

Don't do the apples. It's enough already with the apples.

Hi, it's Carol. I'll get back to you. Hi! It's George. George Costanza. Remember me? The guy who didn't come up for coffee.

The ball's in your court. Take it easy.

I'm dead. I'm a dead man. That's it, I'm dead. I'm a dead man. Dead man.

The little light's blinking right now. 'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey, everybody, the idiot's on!'

And he blurted out business information he wasn't supposed to. It would have cost him $15,000, so he waited outside the guy's house. When the guy came home, he went with him and switched the tape.

I have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life ever.

I'm lactose intolerant. Really? I have no patience for lactose and I won't stand for it.

You're the one that likes that commercial! He told you that?

Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin Round Table there.

Cotton Dockers! One hundred percent cotton Dockers. If they're not Dockers, they're just pants.

Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee, and then you don't call me back for four days? I don't like coffee. I don't have to come up! I'd like to get one more shot at the coffee so I can spit it in your face!

She called my office. She said she's been in the Hamptons since Sunday. Her machine broke, and she's been using her old machine. And she doesn't have the beeper for it.

You are such a wuss. A wuss? Did you call me a wuss?

The signal is... I'll call out 'Tippy-toe!' Tippy-toe? I don't think so. You don't like tippy-toe? No tippy-toe.

I'll sing. What song? 'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?' What is that? It's a lovely song.

'Lemon Tree.' Peter, Paul and Mary? No. Trini Lopez.

To hell with this! I'm scared. Walk away. Cancel everything.

I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets.

It went away. That's weird. No, no, that can happen. I've read about that in medical journals.

Tippy-toe! Tippy-toe! Lemon tree!

That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?

No. Nothing here. Let's go.

After I talked to you, my neighbour called, played my messages to me. Yours were hilarious. We were both cracking up. I just love jokes like that.

I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. If I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go: 'Excuse me. I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away.'

Because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone: 'You can't talk to me like that.' Bang. Cordless phone. 'You can't talk to me like that.'