The Pez Dispenser

Jerry:Women wear perfume. And they apply it in these little areas. You know, like, behind the ears, on the wrists, in the cleavage area. It's like they're playing Stratego with their body.

Jerry:You know, when a woman puts perfume on her wrist, she's not just applying fragrance. She's treating her wrist like an action-packed area. Like it's a vacation destination. 'Come to my wrist, experience the adventure!'

Jerry:So you're telling me you slap your wrist like this, and then you go 'Oh, Chanel!'?

Jerry:What kind of strategy is that? You're just walking around slapping yourself in the face with your own wrist?

George:She's not like that. She's a good person. A really good person. I mean, she volunteers. She does volunteer work. Helping people. For free. Without getting paid. Because she wants to help.

George:You know, I'm thinking of taking my date to The Waldstein!

George:It's very exclusive. Very... cultured.

George:The Waldstein!

George:You know what? A crossword puzzle. That's it. That's my sexual peak right there. Finishing a crossword puzzle on a Sunday morning with a cup of coffee. That's as good as it gets!

George:You know, Jerry, I've been thinking about something. We're not getting any younger. Life is passing us by. We need to seize the moment, make something of ourselves, really connect with people on a deeper level.

Jerry:Uh-huh.

George:You're telling me you don't remember what instrument she plays?

Jerry:Of course I remember. She plays the piano.

George:She plays bongos, Jerry. Bongos.

Jerry:Bongos? I thought it was piano.

George:You've been dating her for three months and you think she plays piano instead of bongos?

Jerry:Well, they're both... percussion-adjacent.

George:Oh, that's a brilliant idea. Why don't you get yourself a nice little bongo and really explore the percussion section? I'm sure that'll really help your career. You know, nothing says 'successful comedian' like a guy with bongos.

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, the hand thing is real. Women notice hands. I've been working on mine.

Jerry:George, you're obsessing. It's just a hand.

George:Just a hand? Jerry, hands are everything. They're the first thing people see.

Jerry:No, the face is the first thing people see.

George:The face is attached to the hands, Jerry. Hand me that napkin.

Jerry:What?

George:The napkin. Hand it to me.

Jerry:You just made my point for you.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, 'the hand' is like a golf swing. You gotta practice it, develop muscle memory.

George:Exactly! It's all about consistency and technique.

Jerry:I could take lessons. 'Hand Academy.' They have instructors, slow-motion cameras, video analysis.

George:Now you're getting it! It's a discipline!

George:I'm going to show her my real self.

Jerry:George, I don't think that's a good idea.

George:Why not? Women say they want honesty.

Jerry:Yeah, but your real self is basically a liar and a manipulator.

George:So what? At least it'll be honest.

Jerry:That's not how honesty works.

George:Well, it's working for me.

Kramer:Hey, let me smell your arm.

Kramer:Jerry, you gotta smell my arm. Just take a whiff.

Jerry:No, Kramer, I'm not smelling your arm.

Kramer:Come on, it's different today. I think it's changing.

Jerry:I appreciate your confidence in me, but I'm going to have to formally decline.

Jerry:Why does it smell like the beach in here? It's freezing outside.

Kramer:Oh, that's me. I just got back from my polar bear club swim.

Jerry:Polar bear club? Kramer, it's the middle of winter.

Kramer:Yeah, that's the whole point, Jerry. We go swimming in the ocean when it's frozen over.

George:Wait, why would anyone swim in freezing water?

Kramer:Are you kidding? Those people are amazing! They're tough, they're committed, they're out there in the ice like it's nothing!

George:They're crazy.

Kramer:No no no, they're pioneers, George. Pioneers!

Kramer:It's invigorating! It's like a shock to the system.

Jerry:Yeah, like electroshock therapy.

Jerry:Is that a PEZ dispenser?

Kramer:Yeah, I got a whole bunch of them. You want one?

Jerry:Where'd you get all these?

Kramer:Oh, I got connections.

George:So what's the deal with this flea market anyway?

Kramer:What do you mean, 'what's the deal'? It's a flea market, Biff.

George:Yeah, but do they actually have fleas there?

Kramer:No, George, there are no fleas. It's just called a flea market.

George:Then why would they call it that?

Kramer:Because, Biff, people like you think there are actual fleas.

Kramer:You know, George, you really should get yourself a better apartment. I mean, this place is a dump.

George:Oh, so what? I like my apartment.

Kramer:Like it? George, there's a water stain on your ceiling that looks like Stalin.

George:So what? It's character.

Kramer:You know, I bought five of these.

Jerry:Five? Why would you buy five identical PEZ dispensers?

Kramer:Well, you never know when you're gonna need a backup.

Jerry:You ever notice how pianists are always rubbing their hands together before they play? They're not preparing themselves mentally or spiritually. They're just cold! Their fingers are freezing. So they're up there doing Chopin, but really they're thinking, 'I can't feel my pinky.'

George:It's a simple matter of physics. When you crack your knuckles, you're releasing the pressure that builds up in the joints.

Jerry:Or you could just not do it.

George:That's not a solution, that's just denial.

Jerry:I'm telling you, it works great. I haven't cracked my knuckles in years.

George:Yeah, and how's that going?

Jerry:My knuckles are fine.

George:For now.

George:You know, there are certain rules about concert etiquette. You don't talk during the performance, you don't rustle your candy wrapper, and you certainly don't kick the back of someone's seat.

Jerry:Are you talking about me? Did someone complain? Was it the woman behind us? I barely touched that seat!

Jerry:Is this okay?

Jerry:What? What did I do?

Elaine:You... you wore that hideous shirt to the recital!

Jerry:What's wrong with this shirt? It's a classic!

Elaine:I was on top of him, and my hair went into his mouth, and then I just... I couldn't... I just had to leave.

Jerry:What did you tell him?

Elaine:I said my roommate was moving out and I had to go home to let the movers in.

Jerry:That's a good lie.

Elaine:Well, I couldn't tell him the truth! That I just had a hair in his mouth and had to leave? I mean, what kind of person does that make me?

John:So, you want to get some coffee?

Elaine:Um, maybe not right now.

John:Come on, it'll take your mind off things.

Elaine:That's very sweet, but I'm not really in the mood.

John:I'm really worried about him. I think he's got a serious drug problem.

Elaine:Have you tried an intervention?

Elaine:It's this very popular thing now. You get all your friends together and you confront the person about their problem. It's an intervention.

Jerry:I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't know the recital was going on.

George:What kind of sick impulse makes you do a thing like that?

George:What, you couldn't wait until after the recital to have some candy?

Jerry:I wasn't thinking.

George:You know, there's a reason they make those little PEZ dispensers. It's not for show. It's not for display.

Jerry:I'll take the blame.

George:No, no, no. If you take the blame, then people will know that you're willing to take the blame, which means you're an honest guy. But if I take the blame, people will think I'm guilty. So you have to take the blame.

Jerry:That makes no sense.

George:Exactly! No sense means no guilt.

George:You're like a baby, Kramer. You see something shiny, you get distracted.

Kramer:What are you talking about?

Jerry:Wait, John Mollica? From high school? That guy was incredible!

George:Look, let me cut to the chase here.

Jerry:Oh, cut to the chase? What are you, Joe Hollywood?

George:I wasn't making a face!

Jerry:Oh please, you had the whole thing going - the eyes, the mouth, the nose.

George:I did not!

Jerry:You know what that expression is? That's the 'I'm better than everyone' face. That's a Hollywood expression.

George:I don't know what you're talking about.

Jerry:Yeah, sure you don't. *makes exaggerated dismissive gesture* These things don't just happen, George.

Jerry:You know, it's not easy loading these things. The head keeps sticking. I mean, there's a lot of pressure on me here.

Jerry:What is the deal with these PEZ dispensers? You're supposed to be able to eat the candy, but instead you end up breaking your thumb trying to get the head off. I'm convinced the engineers who designed this thing have never actually used it. Or had hands.

Jerry:You were great out there.

George:Fantastic. Really fantastic.

Jerry:I've never seen you perform like that before.

George:You were absolutely stunning. A true professional.

Jerry:Would you like a PEZ?

Noel:No, thank you.

Noel:You're a lunatic! You have a sick, twisted mind!

Elaine:What? I'm sitting right here!

Jerry:I'm not a mental defective! I just... I made a choice in the moment.

Noel:Oh, so now it's the victim's fault? That's rich coming from you, Jerry. You're the one who can't even keep a relationship going for more than five minutes. And don't get me started on your apartment – it's a shrine to arrested development.

Noel:I will remember the sound of Elaine's laugh forever. It will haunt me to my dying day.

Jerry:You could apologize.

Elaine:Apologize? I can't apologize. It goes against the very fibre of my being.

Elaine:It's the fibre of my being.

Noel:Well, I'm gonna rip out that fibre.

Jerry:So what's your pre-performance routine? Do you have any rituals?

Noel:Nah, I just go out there and do it.

George:So you're not coming to dinner?

Noel:No, I can't make it.

George:Well, perhaps you could join us at a later date?

Noel:I don't think so.

George:I see. Well then, I shall have to contact you via telephone communiqué to discuss future engagements.

George:Fine. Good. Fine. Good. I'm fine. Everything's fine. It's all fine. Fine and good. Good and fine. Everything is fine and good.

Jerry:You know, Kramer is like a drug. People can't get enough of him.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:I'm serious. He shows up, people light up. He leaves, they crash.

George:So what, you're saying Kramer is responsible for someone's drug addiction?

Jerry:I'm not saying he's responsible. I'm saying if you took Kramer away, you'd have half the addicts on the street.

Kramer:You know what you should do? You should dump Gatorade on your head.

Jerry:Why would I dump Gatorade on my head?

Kramer:Because you just won! That's what they do in the movies!

Jerry:Kramer, I didn't win anything. I just got a good parking spot.

George:You know what the worst part about winning is? The Gatorade dump. You get drenched, you're soaking wet, and then what? You catch pneumonia and you die.

Jerry:So you're saying the Gatorade dump kills you?

George:Not right away. But eventually, yeah. It's a slow death.

Richie:This is terrible! He's dead! How can you be so calm about this?

Kramer:What? He's dead. So what? I'll find another club.

Richie:So what?! He was a human being!

Kramer:Yeah, well, he's not anymore.

Jerry:I don't know if I'm qualified to host an intervention. What if someone gets upset? What if they cry?

George:Just tell them the truth. Be direct.

Jerry:Okay, but what do I wear? If I show up in my apartment with all this modern furniture, am I sending the right message? Like I'm judging their choices?

Kramer:Maybe move some stuff around. Make it look less intimidating.

Jerry:So now I'm redecorating for an addiction confrontation? What's next, mood lighting?

Kramer:Yeah, well, I helped.

Kramer:I want to join the intervention.

Jerry:An intervention? Kramer, you can't just join an intervention. That's not how it works. It's not like a casual poker game where you can just pull up a chair.

Kramer:I want to help you with your relationship.

Jerry:No, no, no. You can't intervene.

Kramer:Why not?

Jerry:Because you always interfere. There's a difference between intervening and interfering. Intervening is good, interfering is bad. You interfere.

George:Stop smelling my arm!

Kramer:The Beach. It's a cologne for men. You know, you go to the beach, you smell the ocean, the sand... it's a great smell. So why can't you smell like that all the time?

Jerry:Because you'd smell like low tide.

Kramer:No, no, no. It's the fresh smell of the beach.

George:Kramer, you'd smell like a dead fish wrapped in seaweed.

Kramer:You're not thinking about this the right way. I'm talking about bottling the actual smell of the beach. Sand, salt water, maybe a little sunscreen...

Elaine:So basically you want to smell like you just got mugged on the Jersey Shore.

Kramer:It's a cologne for the beach. The Beaches.

Jerry:The Beaches? What, like the movie?

Kramer:No, no. It smells like the beach. Sand, sweat, the ocean...

Jerry:So it smells bad.

Kramer:It smells like freedom, Jerry.

Jerry:You know what? That's actually... that could work.

George:I can tell she's going to break up with me.

Jerry:How can you tell that?

George:I can sense it. It's in the air. She's got that look.

Jerry:What look? You just saw her yesterday and everything was fine.

George:That's how they do it, Jerry. They lull you into a false sense of security, and then BAM! They hit you with it.

George:The key to a good conversation is to have interesting topics prepared.

George:Let me see here... 'The difference between fabric softener and laundry detergent.' That's interesting.

George:Ooh, here's a good one: 'Why do they call it a building if it's already built?' Classic.

George:'The correct way to load a dishwasher.' Women love this one.

Jerry:Postum? What is Postum?

George:It's a hot beverage. My father used to drink it.

Jerry:What is it made of?

George:I have no idea. But it's not coffee.

Jerry:Well, if it's not coffee, what's the point?

George:Lunch? Lunch is the meal of losers. You go to lunch, you're admitting defeat. Dinner is the meal of champions. Lunch says 'I'm not important enough for dinner.' It's a demotion. A relationship demotion. You take a woman to lunch, you're telling her 'I don't see this going anywhere.' Dinner means commitment. Dinner means you're thinking about the future. Lunch is like saying 'let's just be friends... at noon.'

George:I miss the crossword puzzles we used to do together.

Jerry:Yeah, well I prefer jumbles anyway.

George:I can't stop thinking about her hands. They're so small, so delicate...

Jerry:George, you've been dating her for three weeks.

George:I know, but what if it gets worse? What if I become completely obsessed?

Jerry:So break up with her.

George:I can't just break up with her!

Jerry:Why not? Do it now before you get in any deeper.

George:You mean like a preemptive strike?

Jerry:Exactly. End it before the hands take over your entire life.

George:You know what? You're right. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna break up with her right now.

George:I'm gonna break up with her.

Jerry:What? Why?

George:I got it all figured out. I break up with her before she breaks up with me. That way I have the dignity of the breakup.

Jerry:But you're not actually breaking up with her.

George:No! That's the beauty of it. I get the satisfaction of breaking up, without actually having to break up!

George:I think we should see other people.

Noel:What? I was going to break up with you!

George:Oh, well, I beat you to it.

George:Live and learn.

George:I think we should see other people.

Noel:What? No, George, please! I'll do anything to make you happy!

Noel:I'll change! I promise I'll change!

George:It's not you, it's me. I just need to find myself.

Noel:But I love you! Please don't leave me!

George:Making her promise to think about him constantly while playing piano

George:You see, Noel, this is what it's all about. I'm in control here. I'm calling the shots. And you know what? It's not so hard.

Kramer:So what do you think? Beach cologne.

Steve:Beach cologne? Kramer, the beach smells like dead fish and seaweed.

Kramer:Exactly!

Kramer:People shower to remove the beach smell, not preserve it!

Kramer:So, you don't think it's a good idea?

Kramer:I'm out there Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!

Jerry:You're walking around with a tissue hanging out of your nose.

Kramer:So? Nobody cares.

Jerry:Kramer, people are staring at you.

Kramer:They're not staring. They're looking. There's a difference.

John:There's no ice! How am I supposed to make a drink without ice?

Jerry:You could just drink it warm.

John:Warm?! That's insane. Ice is fundamental to the beverage experience.

Jerry:We're trying to help you, Kramer. This intervention is about your behavior.

Kramer:Wait, wait, wait. You want to talk about behavior? I caused the original trauma! If it wasn't for me, none of this would've happened in the first place!

Jerry:That's... that's not how interventions work.

Kramer:A cologne company is going to make my cologne.

Steve:They're going to make your cologne? What are they going to call it? The Stink?

John:You know, Elaine, I've always thought you were really attractive.

Elaine:John, this is an intervention.

John:I know, but hear me out. We could really have something. The only thing that's been stopping us is... well, you've got that tissue in your nose.

Elaine:That's not—

George:I'm telling you, my hand is like a faucet right now. The water's just pouring out. I can't turn it off!

Steve:I'm not dragging manure around! That's disgusting!

George:Are you kidding? That's genius! Kramer would do it in a heartbeat.

Steve:Kramer would do anything. He's an idiot.

George:An idiot? He's a visionary!

Kramer:You know, I was watching this nature documentary about kangaroos, and I realized the male kangaroo, he's gotta be jealous of the female kangaroo.

Jerry:Why would he be jealous?

Kramer:Well, look at it! She's got the pouch! He's got nothing! He's just hopping around like an idiot while she's carrying the joey around like she's some kind of marsupial Madonna.

Elaine:That wasn't me! That was Jerry!

Noel:No, I'd recognize Jerry's laugh anywhere.

Elaine:Well, maybe it was Kramer.

Noel:I know Kramer's laugh.

Elaine:It was definitely not me.

George:It's a PEZ dispenser.

Noel:What?! You mean to tell me this whole time—

Jerry:We switched it out. It was George's idea.

Noel:You switched it?! That's not funny, that's cruel! And George, you knew about this?

George:Well, yeah, but—

Noel:But nothing! You both lied to me! I trusted you!

George:These are my hands! I need these hands!

Noel:Not anymore.

Jerry:So there I was, my mother's forcing me to go to this intervention, right? And I'm sitting there, and someone pulls out a PEZ dispenser.

Jerry:A PEZ dispenser! Suddenly I'm eight years old again, my father's yelling at me because I lost the little candy thing, and my mother's trying to console me with fruit punch flavor.

Jerry:And now everyone at the intervention thinks I need help because I'm crying over a toy candy dispenser. That's the real problem!

Jerry:Why did you have to load the PEZ dispenser right then?

George:I don't know, I was nervous!

Jerry:You caused an accident because of candy?

George:It's not candy, it's a collectible!

Jerry:Well, your collectible just totaled my car.

George:At least the PEZ survived.

Jerry:Are you kidding me? That's what you're worried about?

George:It's a 1954 Mickey Mouse head dispenser. Do you know what that's worth?

Jerry:Just take the PEZ dispenser.

Richie:Really?

Jerry:Yeah, here.

Jerry:So he's clean now, which is great. But now he's got this thing where he needs a PEZ dispenser in his hand at all times. I said, 'You traded heroin for PEZ? That's not recovery, that's just a lateral move to a less cool addiction.'

Jerry:You know, we're sitting in the car, and Susan is crying. She's really upset. And I'm just... I'm watching George, and he's got the PEZ dispenser out. He's going through them like they're going out of style.

George:What's a four-letter word for 'vain'? Starts with an 'E'.

Jerry:George, Susan is having an emotional crisis here.

George:I know, I know. But what is it? It's driving me crazy.

Jerry:You know, the jawbreaker is the worst candy ever made. It's not candy, it's a challenge. It's like the candy makers got together and said, 'You know what would be fun? Let's make something that takes forty-five minutes to eat and turns your tongue blue.'

Jerry:And then they probably laughed like mad scientists. 'Yes, yes, watch them struggle! Watch them try to talk with a swollen jaw!'

Jerry:You're basically paying money to have your jaw broken. It's a masochistic consumer transaction. 'Here, take my five dollars, break my teeth.' These aren't candy, they're cement balls.

Jerry:I like the pain. There's something about the pain that I enjoy. It's like I'm punishing myself for something. But I don't know what. Maybe it's the sugar rush followed by the inevitable crash. Or maybe it's just that I'm a masochist who found his perfect candy.