The Red Dot

Every mall has a Hoffritz in it. That's got to be a scary place to work.

I need knives. I need more knives. Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife. A big, long, sharp knife. That's what I'm in the market for. I like them really sharp. Do you have one with hooks and gouges and blades that are kind of serrated?

What do you think, they put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?

Think they brought it in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table?

Who am I gonna tell, my mother? Like I have nothing better to talk about. / You don't.

He's been off the wagon two years. / 'Off the wagon'? / I think it's 'off the wagon.' / I think it's 'on the wagon.'

Keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you.

Today is your lucky day. / It would be my first one.

Cranberry juice? / And vodka.

Well, you know, book reports, that kind of stuff.

Who do you read? / I like Mike Lupica. / Mike Lupica? / He's a sportswriter for the Daily News. I find him very insightful.

Well... a lot of good ones. Lot of good ones. I don't even wanna mention anybody because I'm afraid I'm gonna leave somebody out.

I like Art Vandalay. / Art Vandalay? / He's an obscure writer. Beatnik, you know, from the village. / What's he written? / Venetian Blinds.

I got news for you. I'm funnier than you are.

I didn't know you meant hold it. I thought you meant hold it.

One drink like that, and he could fall right off the wagon. / Told you.

I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress.

Find me one person that doesn't like cashmere.

I see a cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview.

You can smell me without the drink.

Boy, that Hennigan goes down smooth... and afterwards, you don't even smell.

That's right, folks. I just had three shots of Hennigan's, and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's, the no-smell, no-tell Scotch.

I'm gonna tell you what I think. I know you don't care what I think, but I'm gonna tell you. I think that you are terrific. That's all.

Say you got a big job interview and you're nervous. Throw back a couple of shots of Hennigan's and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time.

Money. / Jerry, how could you let him spend so much? / I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.

I don't know. / What don't you know? / I don't know. / Well, do you see it, or don't you? / Say that again. / Do you see it, or don't you? / Do I see it or don't I? That's the question. / Now, what did you ask me again?

You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk?

I've always been attracted to cleaning women. / Cleaning women, chambermaids... / Yeah, chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too. / Why is that? / It's a woman in your room.

Convulsing? / I don't know. I'm trying to help you.

I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next thing I knew, she was mopping the floor with me.

Good thing the cleaning lady was there.

You mean to tell me, I put that drink six inches over to the right and this wouldn't have happened?

Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? / Okay. You just gave me the answer. / No, I didn't. / Yes, you did. Yes, you did. I saw your expression. / I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.

Frankly, I am shocked that you could ask such a question of me. If l... The only surprise was how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing.

Here I go out, in the spirit of the season and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas, and this is the thanks I get at Christmas.

I didn't tell her, you stupid idiot. She tricked you.

I had a 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy, I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it.

It was just a little red dot. A little red dot.

When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town. And he was wearing the softest, most beautiful sweater. I said, 'What do you call this beautiful fabric?' And he said: 'They call it cashmere.' I repeated the word. 'Cashmere, cashmere' and I asked him if I could have it and he said: 'No. Get away from me.' And he started to walk away. Oh, but I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the streets. And then he kicked me with the other foot and he threw some change at me. But I didn't want the change, Georgie. I wanted the cashmere.

What's this?

The only stench is coming from you.

In the old days, how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town? / I don't know. / On a wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way? / You can't drink on a wagon. It's too bumpy. / They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap?

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me when I started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon... You know, because I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you, people do that all the time.

What about the whole Christmas-spirit thing? Any flexibility there?

Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose? / No. / George? / Over here.

Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place? / I would say... when the nipple makes its first appearance.

It's Cape Fear. Hide. Hide under the desk. / Move over. / Get off of me. / I have no room. / My foot's sticking out. / Shut up. He's coming.

But, in a way, I think I inadvertently turned this guy into an alcoholic. I hate being around alcoholics. They're either saying how much they love you or how much they hate you. Those are the two statements that scare me most.

He's finally off the wagon. / You mean on the wagon. / Don't get smart.