The Parking Garage

Opening monologue about mall directories and suction-cup feet

That's one of those suction-cup guys. I heard about that guy. He's never lost.

One left. What a joke.

Why do I always have the feeling everybody's doing something better than me on Saturdays?

They're out on some big picnic, they're cooking burgers, making out on blankets.

They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air conditioner.

He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. Like he's running for president and going through the primaries.

We'd get phone calls from New Hampshire.

Fish. What do they do? - What do you do?

There's no other way. Everybody goes every way all the time.

You got the picnic and burger traffic.

Sometimes even a picnic's no picnic.

Why do they hide the bathrooms in these malls?

Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that gonna do for me? How does that help me, to see her?

Yeah, women love to get approached in parking garages. I'll go up and say, 'Hi, how you doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?'

You get within 15 feet, she'd have her finger on the Mace button.

That was a guy.

I remember Orange. I thought it was Orange. - I didn't pay attention.

There's elevators all over! Everything looks the same! We're like rats in some experiment.

It's black, right? - Well, it's dark brown.

In a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?

How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags? - I don't know. Maybe two hours.

Why don't you just go behind one of these cars. - Why? There's nobody around.

You hold it in like that, you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers.

Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a $600-million-a-year industry?

Maybe I should just go any time I get the urge, like you, wherever I am.

There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.

That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.

If I am not in front of my building at 6:15, when my parents get there, they're gonna put me on an aggravation instalment plan that will compound, with interest, for decades.

I once left my jacket on a bus when I was 14. I was flying to Chicago, last week, on a plane: 'Make sure you hang on to your jacket.'

What would it take for his parents to get a car phone? - Hypnosis by aliens.

I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.

Don't they consult with a urologist when they build one of these places?

Why don't you mind your own business. - Well, I think hitting a defenceless child is my business.

You're ugly. - What? - You're ugly. - You are. - You are. - That's what you think. - That's what I know.

From now on, no more calling out 'I found it' unless we're sitting in it.

His eyes look a little cloudy. - See? - Oh, those are your eyes.

We're not skinheads.

These fish are dying. In an hour they'll be belly-up! That's not me talking, that's science!

It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. How does my bladder know I'm in a department store?

Organic. So is Buddy Hackett.

I'm telling you, I've had this condition since I was 11 years old. I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life.

Die! Is it worth dying for? - That's up to you. - Oh, so you don't care if I die.

Because I could get 'uromysitisis' poisoning and die, that's why.

I've been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.

Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.

Guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science-fiction story.

What's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually. - Does that bother you? - Yeah, it bothers me. - Doesn't it bother you? - Not at all.

Now, that bothers me even more than dying bothers me. Because people like you live to be 120 because you're not bothered by it.

Well, I once saw this thing on TV with people who are terminally ill. Every one of them believed that the secret of life is just to live every moment.

Meanwhile, I'm here with you in a parking garage in Jersey.

Some guy left it over at my mother's house.

First of all, you don't even know, technically, that I went. I mean, I could have been pouring a bottle of water out there.

And, you know, when you think about it, it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity.

That's not a reason, 'You can't.' You just don't want to. - That's right. - But why? Why don't you want to? - I don't know.

Today my parents are celebrating their 50th... Well, I'm jumping ahead here. Their 47th wedding anniversary.

My father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past 14 years.

I mean, the guy had a fat fetish. The inspector never dated a woman under 250 pounds.

What did he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Or does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?

Red Chinese prison? - George!

You know when you're walking with someone and you assume that they know where the car is? And you're fine until you see them do this move. Once they do this:

When they look back from where they came from... No, you're in bad shape now. Nobody that knows where they're going does that.

Pilots on planes don't open the cockpit door and go:

My father was staying with one of China's great military leaders, General Chang, who, by the way, came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken.

Apparently, General Chang is a flamboyant man. Complete failure as a general, but a hell of a cook.

He doesn't have enough with the Mercedes, he has to have two spaces. I tell you, you know what I'd like to do? I'd like to spit on it.

This is some machine. Leave it to the Germans.

I was arrested for urinating. - Me too. - You what? - I have uromysitisis.

I can see not caring what happens to us. We're human. But what about the fish? The fish?

That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Go work on your pecs and your lats. We're all really impressed.

Don't worry, I'm packing heat.

Sure, I'll drive you around. - You will? - Sure. - Thank you. Thank you.

Well, I wouldn't wanna get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. - You're telling me. - Filthy pigs.

Get out! - But I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard. I didn't know you were with that group.

Boy, those Scientologists, they can be pretty sensitive. - I'll say.

Boy, I had a hell of a time finding that air conditioner. You know I looked everywhere? I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was? - Purple 23. - Right. Purple 23.

Sometimes it's good to write those things down.

See, the problem with the mall garage is that everything looks the same. They try to differentiate it. They put up different colours, different numbers, different letters.

What they need to do is name the levels like: 'Your mother's a whore.' You know what I mean? You would remember that. You'd go, 'I know, I'm parked at My father's an abusive alcoholic.' I know where I parked.'