The Contest

You don't wanna visualize your parents having sex. It's somehow very uncomfortable. You know they had to have sex at least once to have you.

But you still kind of maintain the image in your head: 'Well, I don't know. I'm not positive. I can't prove it. I don't know if that actually happened.'

That's why if I found I was adopted, that would come as great news. 'I'm adopted? That's great.' I'd be happy to hear that.

Sex is great, but you don't wanna think your whole life began because somebody had a little too much wine with dinner.

Let me ask you a question. You're a hostage captured by terrorists... Do you think they would consider doing laundry? They have to. It's in the Geneva Convention.

My mother caught me.

Glamour?

First she screams, 'George, what are you doing? My God!'

I didn't know whether to keep her from falling or zip up.

What did you do? - I zipped up. - So she fell? - Yeah.

Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was.

She's in traction.

All she said on the way over in the car was, 'Why, George, why?' I said, 'Because it's there.'

Glamour?

I am never doing that again. - What? You mean in your mother's house or altogether? - Altogether.

You don't think I can? - No chance. - You think you could? - I could hold out longer than you.

Care to make it interesting?

You? You'll be out before we get the check.

It's apples and oranges. - Why? - Because you're a woman. - So what? It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man. We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.

That is such baloney. I shave my legs. - Not every day.

Obviously, we all know each other very well. I'm sure we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honour system.

You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist... - Yeah...? - Whatever.

Any progress there? What's the latest? - I got my troops amassed along the border. I'm waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Look at this. Come here. There's a naked woman across the street.

Let me ask you, in these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room? - I would imagine it's all naked. - Are the chambermaids naked too? - They're naked. The gardener's naked. Bellhops. It's one big nude-o-rama.

This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life.

Then, I got a call this morning. I was chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're going to Mars. - Have a good time.

I'm out.

Well, it was that woman across the street. You know, you better be careful, buddy. She'll get you next.

And then there were three.

I go out for a quart of milk. I come home and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park.

Don't give me 'Ma.' It's good I didn't hit the table. I could have cracked my head open.

Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you. You could be a big star.

So, George... what are you doing now? I hear you got some kind of television writing thing. - Yeah. Television. - Let me help you off with that. Here, just slip it over your head.

George, your cousin Shelly is talking to you!

He has got a great butt. - Yeah. Butt, butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.

You think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. I don't care about that.

Not just a good night. A great night.

Nothing like some good, solid sack-time. - She's not there. - She's doing her wash.

So you're still master of your domain. - Yes. Yes, I am. Master of my domain.

Do you hear what you're saying? Can you hear it? This is a beautiful woman walking around naked and you wanna tell her to stop? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!

When we were boys looking through our windows we'd think, 'Why can't a woman out there take her clothes off?' Now that wish has come true, and you wanna throw it away?

For my sake. God knows, I don't ask you for much. Please, Jerry. I'm begging you. Please! Come on! Please!

She's not there. - Oh, I can wait.

The nurse was giving her a sponge bath? - Every night at 6:30. The nurse was gorgeous. Then I got a look at the patient. I was going nuts.

But are you still master of your domain? - I am king of the county. - You? - Lord of the manor.

John F. Kennedy Jr. - What? - He was in my aerobics class.

He was working out in front of me. After the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment.

And he says to me, 'Quite a workout.' - 'Quite a workout'? - What did you say? - I said, 'Yeah.' - Good one.

But this is John F. Kennedy Jr. we're talking about. So he says, 'Where do you live?' I was close to your block, so I said your building.

Oh, God. The question is... are you still master of your domain? - I'm queen of the castle.

You got it, Ma. - A little later. - Could you go now, Georgie? I'm very hungry. I'm weak. - Wait a while. What's the difference?

But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over! - Ten minutes. Here. Have some Tic Tacs.

Get the hell out of here. I'm sorry you came. - 6:30. Time for your bath.

Hang on, Ma. Hang on.

He wanted to know your situation. - I have a situation? - I said you were single. - That was good. That was very good. - He said you were his type.

Okay. You're trying to hurt me? You're trying to injure me?

Nothing. I'm watching Tiny Toons here on Nickelodeon. I like kids' shows. They have a very innocent, wholesome quality.

Yes, yes, yes.

The woman across the block has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on... All through the day

All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee? - I don't keep real coffee here. I get my coffee on the outside.

Yeah, you fell asleep on the sofa, and I took them off your stinking feet! They looked so good, I had to have them!

This is ridiculous. - You believe this? We're fighting. I haven't been myself. I'm snapping at people. I'm yelling at strangers on the street.

You caved? - It's over? - You're out? - Oh, my God. The queen is dead.

What happened? - It was... John-John. - John-John. - John-John.

All right, Costanza... it's you and me. And then, there were two.

Contest? A contest? This is what you do with your friends? It was just a bet. It actually started with George and his mother.

I don't wanna hear another word! To think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind.

I don't wanna have anything to do with you or your perverted friends. Get away from me. You're horrible, horrible. All of you.

What? He's out there? - Oh, my God. I gotta go. - No, no, he just left. - What? - He was talking to Marla. - Marla? She was, like, crying. He was consoling her. She got into his car, and they just drove away.

He left with Marla, the virgin? - Yeah. - They drove away? - Yeah, drove away. - You know, I said hello to him. He's- - Oh, my God in heaven.

Is that...? Kramer? - He's waving.

Oh, John... that was wonderful.

Men wanna see women naked. Whatever it is you won't show us, that's what we're obsessed with seeing.

If women always wore hats in public, all the time, you'd see men buying Playhead magazine, you know, Skulls of the Big 10.

What about cultures, in National Geographic, where everybody is naked? What are men in these cultures trying to look at when the women walk by?

Woman takes off the necklace and the nose ring, that's it, show's over. The men are going, 'Boy, did you see that little indentation in her lip? I told you, man, this place is hot.'