The Outing

I'm tired of pretending I'm excited every time it's somebody's birthday.

All you did was not die for 12 months. That's all you've done, as far as I could tell.

It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.

You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me.

Over you? - Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?

Gotta kind of envy that. - You know, you've been developing quite the acid tongue lately.

If it's all-time, there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev.

I got news for you. Golda Meir could make them all run up a tree.

You know just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean, you should come out of the closet and be openly gay already.

You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.

I could just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-stepping past me. 'Come on, Jerry. Go along. Go along.'

Yeah, because I'm single, I'm thin, and I'm neat. - And you get along well with women. - I guess that leaves me in the clear.

Buck Naked? - Yeah. How did you know that? - You told me that already. Like two months ago.

How you gonna get out of that one? - I don't know. I guess I have to wait for her to die.

It always sounds so high and whiny.

Jerry, did you wash this pear? - Yeah, I washed it. - It looks like it hasn't been washed. - So wash it.

You hear the way he talks to me?

You should hear how my boyfriend talks to me.

Actually, we met in a gym locker room. - Yeah. - Actually, it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me.

And I kept slipping and burning my thighs. And then finally I slipped, and I fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.

Do your parents know? - Know what? - My parents? They don't know what's going on.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do you wanna have sex with me right now? Let's go. Come on! Let's go, baby! Come on!

Well, I don't wanna sit there naked all by myself.

Because you know me, I walk into a room, problem solved.

Happy birthday. 'Faruba!' - Today's not my birthday. - Well, I beg to differ. - Well, I think I know when my birthday is. - Yeah, well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong.

Maybe he's right. Maybe it is my birthday.

I could hear you on the other line. - What are you talking about? - I heard what you said: 'Sharon, are you there?'

Not that there's anything wrong with that. - Not at all.

Guys and Dolls? Isn't that a lavish Broadway musical?

It's Guys and Dolls, not Guys and Guys.

The Collected Works of Bette Midler.

I've been outed. I wasn't even in.

Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit like an old married couple.

I told you that pear was washed.

Oh, my God. Ma?

It was those culottes you made him wear when he was 5. - They weren't culottes. They were shorts. - They were culottes! You bought them in the girls' department.

It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud.

I fell right off the toilet.

Maybe you're making porno films. - Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.

Six-thirty, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.

I want you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out how you did and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service.

If you boys cannot control yourselves, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I'm out, baby! I'm out!

I'm gay. I'm a gay man. I'm very, very gay. Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.

You remind me of Lois Lane.

I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do? I trusted you!

My name's Buck Naked. I'm a porno actor.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat.

You know, Joe, I enjoy being gay with you, but it's about time you got in shape, tucked your shirt in and lost the wife.

Yeah. I got a feeling he's a little... [vacuum gesture]