The Old Man

life expectancy was 30. Which, in our terms, would mean you get your driver's license around 5, marry at 9, divorced at 15. In your late teens, you move down to Florida.

I guess that's how spring break got started. I don't know.

Well, it's amazing, he's 28, but he's still very alert. His mind is so sharp, you would think you're talking to a 2-year-old.

When I like them, they don't like me. When they like me, I don't like them.

Well, you've only got another 50 years or so to go and it'll all be over.

Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English. Yeah, how about a mute?

This is what my life has come to: Trying to meet a mute.

There's a void, Jerry. There's a void. A deep, yawning chasm.

What gives you pleasure? Listening to you. I listen to this for 15 minutes, I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.

That's what I do with him.

What, do you break it in with her then you try it out on me?

I think I'm pretty much like you. Only successful.

You think we'll make it to that age? We? No.

So, what's up, diggety-dog?

It's a con. These agencies are usually a front for some money-laundering scheme. Or they're bunco artists. Bilking people out of their life savings.

The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.

Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody? Sometimes.

Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. Never a letup. It's relentless.

Then the bar code reader breaks, and it's Publishers Clearing House day!

All right, all right, all right. Just take the records. They're in the bedroom. Take them. Take anything you want.

Those records are worth more than 5 dollars. He's gypping us. You're gypping us.

Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes has a cult following. Why, they follow him like a cult. Can't walk down the street in South America.

We'll be back, Jack. We'll be back... Jack.

The agency? What agency? The CIA?

She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My ass, she doesn't speak English. Plays that freaking voodoo music.

She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I might drop dead today, but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday.

Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you gonna kill me? I'm an old man, for crying out loud. You gonna kill an old man, you coward?

Well, if I wanted it, I wouldn't be throwing it away, would I, Einstein?

Well, take it. I sure as hell am not gonna give it to my family.

With you? I'd rather be dead.

I just remembered I got an appointment to get my tonsils out.

Oh, listen, before you go... would you mind changing my diaper?

You're really... kind of pushing the envelope there.

Imagine how much I'll be thinking about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinking about it till it drives me insane.

It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for God's sake.

Life's too short to waste on you.

But, Mr. Cantwell, you owe me for the soup.

It's my goiter, isn't it?

This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.

In fact, it's very distinctive. You know? I mean, you wanna know something? I wish I had one.

I keep thinking that goiter's gonna start talking to me.

Oh, by the way, this woman almost has a second head.

They really should mention that in the breakdown. Height. Weight. Goiter.

Well, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.

How do you get fired from a volunteer job?

I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter. My grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up.

That guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America.

The coot's sitting on a mountain of gold.

I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.

It's a miracle. You don't understand because you don't speak English.

He's biting me!

My teeth. My teeth! Where's his teeth? Where's his teeth? I saw something fly over here.

That's the garbage disposal.

Come on, we lost the old man.

Gandhi? The passion. The forbidden pleasure.

He used to dip his bald head in oil and he'd rub it all over my body.

Al Jolson. What the hell do I care about Al Jolson? I'd just as soon hear you sing 'Mammy.'

You are nothing but a piece of crap. I find you extremely ugly. You emit a foul and unpleasant odor. I loathe you.

Make us. Make us. Make us. Make us.

How do you lose a human being?

A real brouhaha.

Looked like a football.

Well, are you gonna see her again? We were getting along real good and then she made some tea. Put some milk in it without asking me. Now, that's a turnoff.

Except the car. The older they get, the bigger their car gets. I've never understood that.

I'm old. I've been waiting a long time. I'm backing it out. I'm coming back. Watch out. I'm coming.

I would think the less time you have in life, the faster you would wanna go.

I think old people should be allowed to drive their age. If you're 80, do 80. If you're 100, go 100. They can't see where they're going anyway, let them have fun out there.