The Implant

I don't belong to a health club. I have a limit on naked men I see in one day.

Zero. That's it.

What is this, the Kremlin?

Is this a big problem, people stealing exercise?

And what if they catch the person? What then? They run. It's aerobic. Makes it even worse.

Unless someone's stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour.

That's why it's called the StairMaster. You get up there and you stare.

You know, they're fake.

You know how you always brag how you can spot a lesbian? I'm not bragging. I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye.

Leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs.

Yes. Go in there. Do a little investigative journalism.

Can't go left.

I'm lefty. Can't go right.

No, we just play defense.

I'll shout.

In the whole world right now there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think on this planet that you're one of those three?

All right, maybe four.

Good sweat. Beads of sweat. Sweating bullets.

She's got a rack on her chest.

It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat.

You don't unhook anything to get to a nose...and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostrils.

Sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met...you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

You got five million Moslems after you. You wanna stay in pretty good shape.

I put them on a dental chair.

You're a funny guy. Never heard that before.

Her aunt dying is the best thing for you. It's like 10 dates in one shot.

You're getting sandwiches. You're the rock.

Oh, look who's here. Silicon Valley.

He would have made a great Nazi.

I touched them.

If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself.

I've touched mine.

All right. Anyway, I think they're real, and if they are, they are spectacular.

What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that?

If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver...you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable?

If that's Rushdie, they're real. If they're real, that's Rushdie.

Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being the boyfriend. This is where you have to be when you're the boyfriend.

Comfort schmomfort.

Bass, Jerry. Instead of salmon, he went with bass. He just substituted one fish for another.

Look, you idiot, first of all, it's 'Salman,' not 'salmon.'

Did you just double dip that chip?

It's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip.

Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way.

I like sitting to the left of people. Makes me feel like I'm driving.

Huge. Just coming out the top of her dress. They were choking her. I hear that's how she died.

Well, I think you'll find out soon enough.

I don't want your boys down there.

Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.

I think you're both mentally ill.

And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular.

A picture of me next to the coffin.

Give me the cheesecake, crank me up to nine...and put a scoop of ice cream on the side.