The Watch

He's like a Svenjolly.

Any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing. They put a piece of green felt on the bottom. 'It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organizer, Dad.'

Well, to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone... ...that, 'I refuse to put any thought into this at all.'

Where are these people working that papers are blowing right off of desks?

Are the desks screwed to the back of a flatbed truck going down the highway?

Are they typing in the crow's-nest of a clipper ship?

Oh, you know these jewelers. They're enigmas. They're mysteries wrapped in a riddle.

She's very attractive. - She's okay. - Just okay? - She's nice. - She's better than nice. - She's all right. - She's beautiful. - She's not beautiful.

I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.

You could call me 'baldy,' dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me.

Can you do that? - Yeah, I'm your boyfriend. Yeah. - Okay. - Have we been intimate?

All right. All right. We do it... ...five times a week, okay? - Oh, baby.

It kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed.

You're not the type who should be playing with matches, seriously.

...and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered.

Try our mousse. It'll change your life expectancy.

You're a comedian. Couldn't you come up with something?

I'd be curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. Because if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete. We're back to wampum.

There is a George Bonanza to see you. - Costanza. Costanza. - George Costanza.

Look at this building. What is this? I don't know. It's a building. - The doors are on a diagonal. - So what? It's architecturally incorrect.

Look, stairs in an apartment. All my life I dreamed about... ...having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although one step is not all that sunken.

He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I wanted. Of course, I wouldn't. The guy is... Obviously, the guy has his problems.

What time is it? 8:30. I'll tell you what's on. You got... ...Major Dad, Blossom... Very funny program. - Blossom's on Monday. - Are you sure? Look who I'm talking to. The president of NBC.

All right, look. We're people, you and me. Businessmen, colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for the $13,000.

Ten thousand dollars. I'm going below what you wanted to pay.

All right. Good, $8000. Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede. It's so thick and rich. Do you ever rub it against the grain?

All right, 200. That's as high as I can go. I think you're being unreasonable.

Well, that's a little strange. - Why does that surprise you? - Well, it's a very popular drink. - This is an office. - That's true.

My face is on... ...Mount Rushmore. - Yes, of course. That's it. I guess I'm just used to seeing it on a much larger scale. Oh, yeah, right. I replaced Teddy Roosevelt. Oh, really? Trustbuster. Bust this.

Actually I'm a little disappointed. I kind of had my eye on Uncle Leo.

You know why fish are so thin? - Why? They eat fish.

I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her name's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

How come with the psychiatrist, every 'the hour' is only 50 minutes? What do they do with that 10 minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, 'Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase.'

George turned it down. - He turned it down? - Why did he do that? - Because of Ted Danson. - What does he have to do with it? - Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.

Let me see if I understand this. In other words, you held out for less money.

The basic idea of negotiation... ...as I understand it is to get your price to go up.

This is how they negotiate... ...in the Bizarro World.

He took it. I put $400 in the wallet. He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back. Otherwise, he wouldn't accept it.

The main difference between women's and men's wallets is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photo of every person they've ever met... ...every day in their whole life since the beginning of time.

Here's my cousin, 3 years old. She's in the Marines now. This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration.

You get stopped by a cop. No license, no registration. 'Here's 56 people that know me.' Cop goes, 'Just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along. Routine pal check.'