The Cheever Letters

I think people think of their office as a stationery store with Danish. You know what I mean? You wanna get your pastry... your envelopes, your supplies... your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

Why do people that work in offices have pictures of their family on their desk facing them? Do they forget that they're married? Do they go, '5:00. Time to hit the bars and pick up hookers. Hold it a second. I got a wife and three kids. I better get home. I completely forgot.'

You'll make quite an impression when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.

The guy's nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars... Then you dump them off onto Kramer. Who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars. It's very comical.

What's the worst he can do? So you burn a house down. Come on. Not even a house. It's like a cabin. We could build a cabin like that. Well, maybe not us, but two men could.

BICs? What, did you get BICs? What, you got a problem with the pen, now? I like a Rolling Writer. They're smooth.

Let me explain to you one of the key elements involved in the writing process. Because it may seem outwardly that the pen and the paper and the chair play a large role. But they're all somewhat incidental to the actual using of the brain.

Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay phone. There's a lot of people waiting to use it. I'll be off in a minute! Yeah, could you put me through to Elaine?

Hey, I got a rubber-pencil thing happening here.

I'm in my apartment. You come in. - It's beautiful. And what do I say?

Listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now. It's very hard being a stand-up comedian. Sometimes they don't laugh.

Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for some more.

What are you, crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin. - What's one thing got to do with another?

The grass has big brown patches in it. They don't rake the sand traps. Not to mention the calibre of people you have to play with.

I think we got a bite on it.

Doesn't George look like your sister Sara? - A slight resemblance.

Oh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot... You're toiling in virtual anonymity.

I'm sucking them down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.

I did not know that. Weird. Wild.

He's doing Johnny Carson, Daddy. - I didn't care much for his jokes.

Daddy never laughs. - Oh, well, so what? Laughter. What is that? I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going: 'Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!' What is that?

Wear some more lipstick.

She thought, I think, 'Yeah, it's a real treat talking to her on the phone.' But I was really being sincere.

My father built that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from impetigo at the time... She died there the following winter.

His last words to me were: 'Cherish the cabin.' Not, 'Take care of your sister.' She's a paraplegic. But, 'Cherish the cabin.'

Kind of like Superman's Fortress of Solitude. - What? - Superman. He built a Fortress of Solitude up at the North Pole... to, you know, sort of get away from it all.

Well, I'll take a hotel any day.

George? - Burned. - Burned? - There was a fire, and it- Burned. - The cabin burned? - Yeah, burned. Burned?

But, you know, Mr. Ross, if you look at the whole situation... what with it being your cigars and everything... it's really rather ironic. One might even say, in a sense, comical. Really. Think about it.

I was just trying to keep up. - That was a weird thing to say. - Why? It didn't mean anything. I was trying to join in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed.

Yet women have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that? - I don't know. They're working on a whole other level.

No, I don't know. How do I know the usual? - Typical things. - What's typical? Give me typical.

That's very dirty. That's absolutely filthy.

I'm gonna need some water here.

You mean, the panties your mother laid out for you.

'The panties your mother laid out for you'? What does that mean? - I don't know. It just popped out.

It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.

Yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing.

What do you got? - I got, you enter, you go, 'Hi.' And I go, 'Hello.'

How about this: I say, 'How's it going?' - 'How's it going?' Beautiful.

Well, it's a very private matter, but extremely urgent. - Are you an American? - Oh, yeah.

You realize, of course, these are illegal in your country. - Well, illegal, huh? I like that jacket.

You come in the house, you wipe your wheels.

From John Cheever! 'Dear Henry... last night with you was bliss. I fear my... orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't know how I shall ever get back to work. I love you madly, John. P.S. Loved the cabin.'

Yes. Yes, he was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I loved him deeply. In a way you could never understand.

Well, we really should be heading out. Jerry hates to miss the coming attractions. - Yeah, and because of the time. - Yeah. Time is what he's indicating there.

Hey, look, I'm gonna pay for that. - No, no. - No, I insist. I was the one that encouraged you to fire her. - Okay.

Maybe I'll visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties, and they're all laid out for me.

There's this whole talking-during-sex business. I mean, what are we doing here? The question is... does the talking really improve the sex? Or is the sex act now just there to spice up the conversation?

Eventually, I'm sure people will get too lazy even for phone sex. They'll start having phone machine sex. 'Yeah, I want you really bad. Just leave it on the tape.'

Then, I guess, the phone company will come out with sex-waiting. That'll be the new thing. 'Yeah, hold on, honey. I got another call. Oh, hi, baby. One second. Honey, I've gotta take this. Yeah, I've got sex-waiting on the other line and I've got to take this.'