The Opera

Things are great. I met a terrific girl, I got a great job... and if everything goes according to plan... I'm gonna be moving back in with my parents soon.

It's like getting busted on a parole violation... and thrown back into the slammer. 'In the opinion of the board, you need further rehabilitation, I'm afraid.'

You can hold your parents between your fingers. 'Why was I so afraid of you people when I was growing up?'

My father wears his sneakers in the pool. Sneakers.

My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.

My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee. Never went, 'Ha.'

- A smirk? - Maybe.

Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

He doesn't let you use the toilet.

- Hey, I got a terrific joke for you. - I'm not interested.

No, no. It's really funny. There's these two guy... - Tell it to the audience.

Bologna? Nobody eats bologna anymore.

I think you're all a little touched in the head.

I don't feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building.

She's one of these low-talkers. You can't hear a word. You're always going, 'Excuse me? What was that?'

- What's that? - Excuse me?

- Yeah? Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

It's, like, a puffy shirt. Well, yeah, it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.

See, I think people wanna look like pirates. It's the right time for it. To be all puffy and devil-may-care, you know.

Maybe you should take a civil-service test. - I'm not taking a civil-service test.

Would you believe when I was 18 I had a silver-dollar collection?

You want me to be a mailman?

You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a... phobia.

I do know that I have some kind of a talent, something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet.

I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today.

It's just that I'm here with my parents... and my mother wants me to take a civil-service test... and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.

They're quite exquisite. Extraordinary. Have you ever done any hand modeling?

The knuckles are all out of proportion. You got hair there. Where do you get off comparing your hands to mine?

This is a one-in-a-million hand. That's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.

You could've damaged my hands! - What? It's just a toy.

You can look at them, but do not touch them.

They're smooth. Creamy. Delicate yet masculine.

Oven mitts?

It's all I could find.

You said that you would agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show.

I was just nodding. - There you go. - Where I go?

I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV. I mean, look at it. It looks ridiculous.

This pirate trend she's come up with, Jerry... This is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate.

But I don't wanna be a pirate.

I knew it. I knew it. I always knew you had beautiful hands. I used to tell people... Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands?

Who the hell did you ever mention his hands to?

I always talk about your hands, how they're so soft and milky white. - No, you never said milky white. - I said milky white!

Don't hand them to me with the point facing out! - I'm sorry. - You're sorry?

Stress is very damaging to the epidermis. I have an important photo session in the morning. My hands have got to be in tiptop shape.

Now, that's a great-looking shirt. - Aye, captain. Yeah.

Why are you wearing this now? - Why am I wearing it now? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now. Because the low-talker asked me to, that's why.

You can't come out dressed like that. You're all puffed up. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo.

You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier.

I've never seen hands like these before. They're so soft and milky white.

He was not master of his domain.

Towards the end, his hands became so frozen... he was unable to manipulate utensils... and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him.

You don't have to worry about me. I won a contest.

Speaking of clothing, that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on. - Yeah. - You're all kind of... Kind of puffed up.

Like a pirate. - Like a pirate.

Look, I'm sorry, it is just a very unusual shirt. - It could be a whole new look for you. You could put a patch over an eye. You could be the pirate comedian.

I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you. - You bastard!

- Did you hear that? - That I heard.

Nice shirt.

- You ready? - Yeah. - Hot, hot.

McKigney had a few good years.

'Twenty degrees off the starboard side. It's a Spanish galleon.' There's no comeback for that.

Puffy shirt. Puffy shirt.

Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?

You know, it's really not a bad-looking shirt.

Why do we always have to say, 'Excuse me'... when we can't hear what someone's saying? Why are we so guilty and so...? 'Excuse me. Pardon me. I'm sorry.'

Just once I would like to have the guts... you know, to make that judgment. Someone mumbles something, and you go, 'Your fault. I'm not sorry, because it's your fault.'