The Mango

How about the seedless watermelon? What an invention. Scientists are working on this. Other scientists devote their lives to fighting cancer, AIDS. These guys go, 'No, I'm focusing on melon.'

You ever try and pick a wet one up off the floor? It's almost impossible.

I'm devoting my life to that. So I guess if they can get rid of the seeds, the rind is going next.

What do we need that for? They're not gonna stop until they're making ready-to-eat fruit cups growing right out of the ground.

Let me ask you this. When she comes over, you cleaning up a lot? Yeah. Straightening up or cleaning? Cleaning. You do the tub? Yeah. On your knees, Ajax, hands, scrubbing, the whole deal? Yeah. Okay. I think you're in love.

Tub is love.

Below the equator?

Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes, you hope for the best.

I don't know. Last time I got the tap.

You got the tap? You're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap.

It's like, 'All right, that's enough. You're through.' The tap is tough. It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.

How do you know? I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers.

Well, you didn't know.

With me? You faked with me? You faked with me? No. You faked it? Yes. I faked it.

That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act? Not bad, huh?

What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? Fake, fake, fake, fake.

She faked.

The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury.

You know, I heard her screaming from my apartment. She woke me up a few times.

How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep, this woman.

I know how to press those buttons, buddy.

Have you ever, you know, faked it? Yeah, sometimes. Really, like when? If we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats.

You know, I faked it. What? Yeah. You faked it? Why would you do that? Well, you know, if it's enough already, and I just wanna get some sleep.

Bad peach? It's terrible! Did you get that at Joe's? Of course I got it at Joe's.

You're returning used fruit? Jerry, this peach is subpar. I want restitution.

Hey, you got a bad peach, that's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I sell the peaches. You got a problem, you talk to him.

But what am I gonna do for fruit?

Are you satisfied? I'm very satisfied. I'm sure if you weren't satisfied, you would say something, wouldn't you? I probably would. Sure. But then again, I'm an enigma.

Do you feel the way you feel after the risotto? Well, no. I feel full after the risotto.

God, I love her, Jerry. She's so authentic. You believe everything is actually happening to her. No acting there.

Give me another shot. What? Another shot. I want another shot. You mean...? Yes.

Oh, friendship. Friendship, schmiendship.

One shot. I could do it. I know I could do it. Half-hour. Give me a half-hour. Okay, 15 minutes. I guarantee you, 15 minutes, I can make it happen.

Well, it's not like after the risotto.

Oh, that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney.

No, I can't. Maybe you're faking.

I tried everything. I was talking to him. 'Please wake up. Do something.' They're mysterious little fellows, aren't they?

You know, it happens to everybody. Happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk with his hands in chains. But he had a problem with that.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.

The apples are mealy. The oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the papayas.

Hello, Elaine? Patty Lawrence had orgasms. What do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women. I bet they confirm an orgasm too.

This fruit isn't for you. What are you talking about? You think I don't know, huh? Mangoes, plantains, plums with the red on the inside? That's Kramer.

What? I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion. What is it? I think it moved. Oh, my God. I think it moved.

I'm back, baby! I'm back!

All right, let's go. I'll give you half an hour. What? Come on. Are you serious? Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

You don't think I bought all that. Bought what? No, you're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations.

Come on. With the, 'Oh, George. Oh, George!' Come on.

The female orgasm, it's kind of like the Batcave. Very few people know where it is. And if you're lucky enough to see it, you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find your way back after you leave.

Because to men, sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked: 'What did you see after the car went out of control?' 'I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end, my body was thrown clear.'