The Puffy Shirt

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is right on track. There's no way that you could fake this even. 'Things are great. I met a terrific girl, I got a great job... and if everything goes according to plan... I'm gonna be moving back in with my parents soon.'

It's like getting busted on a parole violation and thrown back into the slammer. 'In the opinion of the board, you need further rehabilitation, I'm afraid.'

And you go back into that little room of yours, you feel so huge. It's like you could take your bed and just crush it in your hands. You can hold your parents between your fingers. 'Why was I so afraid of you people when I was growing up?'

My father wears his sneakers in the pool. Sneakers.

My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.

Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee. Never went, 'Ha.'

- A smirk? - Maybe.

No, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

Yeah, I'll move in with him. He doesn't let you use the toilet.

- Hey, I got a terrific joke for you. - I'm not interested.

No, no. It's really funny. - There's these two guy... - Tell it to the audience.

Bologna? Nobody eats bologna anymore. What are you talking about? Have a sandwich.

I don't feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building.

She's one of these low-talkers. You can't hear a word. You're always going, 'Excuse me? What was that?'

It's, like, a puffy shirt. Well, yeah, it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.

See, I think people wanna look like pirates. It's the right time for it. To be all puffy and devil-may-care, you know.

Jerry nodding and agreeing without hearing Leslie

Maybe you should take a civil-service test. - I'm not taking a civil-service test.

Would you believe when I was 18 I had a silver-dollar collection?

You want me to be a mailman?

You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a... phobia.

I do know that I have some kind of a talent, something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet.

I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today.

I don't like this waiter. Look at him. He sees us. Doesn't wanna come over.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. Look what you've done. You've spilled my bag.

It's just that I'm here with my parents and my mother wants me to take a civil-service test and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.

Your hands. - What about them? They're quite exquisite.

I don't get it. Me neither. - What is it? - I don't know. They're hands.

What, are you kidding? The knuckles are all out of proportion. You got hair there. Where do you get off comparing your hands to mine?

This is a one-in-a-million hand. That's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.

You could've damaged my hands! - What? It's just a toy.

You can look at them, but do not touch them.

Oh, those are nice. You know, I never noticed this before. They're smooth. Creamy. Delicate yet masculine.

Oven mitts?

It's all I could find.

Since I what? - Agreed to wear the puffy shirt.

This? - Yeah. I agreed to wear this? - Yeah, yeah.

I mean, look at it. It looks ridiculous.

This pirate trend she's come up with, Jerry... This is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate.

But I don't wanna be a pirate.

I always talk about your hands, how they're so soft and milky white.

Don't hand them to me with the point facing out!

All right, please. Please, I cannot have this constant bickering. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis.

I have an important photo session in the morning. My hands have got to be in tiptop shape.

Now, that's a great-looking shirt. Aye, captain. Yeah.

Why are you wearing this now? - Why am I wearing it now? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now. Because the low-talker asked me to, that's why.

You can't come out dressed like that. You're all puffed up. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo.

You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier.

I've never seen hands like these before. They're so soft and milky white.

Ray McKigney. He was it. The most exquisite hands you've ever seen. Oh, he had it all. What happened to him? Tragic story, I'm afraid.

He could've had any woman in the world... but none could match the beauty of his own hand. And that became his one true love.

He was not master of his domain.

The muscles became so strained with overuse that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position and he was left with nothing but a claw.

Towards the end, his hands became so frozen he was unable to manipulate utensils and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him.

You don't have to worry about me. I won a contest.

You look kind of like a pirate. Like a pirate.

You could be the pirate comedian.

I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you.

You bastard! - Did you hear that? - That I heard.

If you talked this loud to begin with, I wouldn't be in this costume.

They said I had the most beautiful hands they ever saw except for this McKigney guy. This girl gave me her number. I got it all. I'm busting. Jerry, I'm busting.

Nice shirt.

Have you completely lost your mind? You look like a complete idiot. I wouldn't wipe my...

Hot, hot. - I'm sorry. - McKigney had a few good years.

Some of those heckles were really uncalled for. 'Avast ye, matey'? What the hell does that mean? 'Twenty degrees off the starboard side. It's a Spanish galleon.' There's no comeback for that.

Puffy shirt. Puffy shirt.

Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?

You know, it's really not a bad-looking shirt.

Why can't I do that? Just once I would like to have the guts... you know, to make that judgment. Someone mumbles something, and you go, 'Your fault. I'm not sorry, because it's your fault.'