The Sniffing Accountant

To me, government is basically parents for adults. Especially the IRS. The IRS is like Ward and June Cleaver and we're all Wally and the Beaver.

And your accountant is Eddie Haskell showing you all these neat tricks to get away with stuff.

Then you don't want some wise guy in a suit going: 'You have a very lovely office here, sir.'

Because jail is the government's way of sending you to your room.

And when you meet Whitey and Lumpy in the joint... there's really gonna be something wrong with the Beaver.

Well, I'm sure you'll find something.

Ask your mother. You live with her now, don't you?

And he said, 'Gabardine?' And I said, 'Yeah.' That was it.

Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on.

I think that's what the back of closets are for.

Well, it's still green.

Barry's sniffing behavior and everyone's reaction to it

Don't forget to wash your hands before supper.

This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want.

He doesn't know anything about bras.

They're made from Lycra spandex. - Get out of here. Lycra spandex?

You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds.

I know the D is the biggest. I base my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.

Here. You think you know everything.

Cups in front, loops in back.

You got ketchup on it.

Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?

They live in the bathroom.

You're perfect. You're a perfect man.

Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point.

Well, I mean, if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.

Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.

I didn't know that I was required to capture the mood of each caller.

Like, the way I'm talking now, I'd put exclamation points on the ends all of these sentences! On this one! And on that one!

Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!

I never heard of a relationship being affected by punctuation.

George is right. Didn't take you long.

All right, here. You call him right now, okay? See if he's sniffing right now.

He went to South America.

Yeah, and they come back with things taped to their large intestine.

So because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?

Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

What kind of snow blower did you get us mixed up with?

We set up a sting. You know, like Abscam. Like Abscam, Jerry.

You gonna put on phony beards and dress up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room?

Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel.

I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.

Who made you leader?

One more peep out of you, you're out of the operation.

I might need you to get me a soda.

I'll have a brewski, Charlie. - The name's Mitch.

Yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things.

Well, I suck them down like Coca-Cola.

Well, here's to feeling good all the time, huh?

You should try this new dental floss, Glide. It's fantastic. - I use Dentotape.

You know, you're an idiot. - Why, because I use Dentotape? - Right. Anyone who uses Dentotape is an idiot.

I'm hip. - Hip to what? - To the whole scene. - What scene? - The bathroom scene.

Listen, don't take this personally, but when I come back, I'm sitting over there.

No, no, I don't like it. - What do you mean, you don't like it? - How could you not like it? - I like the thick tape.

Hey. What kind of nut are you?

And from the first time I laid eyes on a brassiere, I was enthralled.

I picked it up. I studied it. I thought: 'I like this.' I didn't know in what way or on what level, but I knew I wanted to be around brassieres.

Well, they're more than just underwear to me, Mr. Farkus.

Two cups in the front, two loops in the back, how do they do it?

If you don't mind, sir, I'll be here at 8.

Farkus, who is this perverted little weasel?

Well, I felt that the writing lacked a certain emotion and intensity.

It was a damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!

Well, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters into a machine and nothing comes out.

Dear Barry, consider this letter the termination of our relationship, effective immediately. Exclamation point.

What's the matter, you got a cold? - No, man.

Mohair. That figures. I'm allergic to mohair.

Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet.

What do you mean, you felt her material? What? With your fingers, like this? So what? What's so bad about that? Who goes around feeling people's material?

What can be gained by feeling a person's material? It's insanity.

Bankruptcy. As in, 'I've taken your money and spent it on drugs.'

Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?

It makes sense. Why would an athlete or musician take drugs? They have an interesting job. But an accountant? If ever a job required hallucinogenic support, this is the job.

'But, Your Honor, I'm an accountant.' Bang. 'Case closed. Bailiff, give this man his peyote and tequila back for the drive home. Sorry to bother you, sir. Terribly sorry.'