The Spiders Episode

Hank:No, no, no, I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Hank:And now, because we've tried it with just the desk... and it really isn't the same... Larry Sanders!

Larry:My dog ran by and burst into flames... and rolled to put himself out 'cause he read the pamphlets... they pass out to dogs.

Larry:because who wants to be in a cast for six weeks? And then, you know, everybody wants to sign it. It's embarrassing.

Larry:The next option is a bad haircut.

but was still so embarrassed he also bought... an $8,000 toothpaste tube... and $5,000 pack of razor blades.

Larry:This is actually the same outfit you wear to drive in L.A.

Artie:He calls it 'the tarantula arm races.'

Artie:Two minutes ago, you were willing to take a puck to the nuts. Now you're crying over a couple of bugs.

Artie:Gigantic fuzzy insects crawling on your body, lions crapping in your lap. It's great television.

Hank:build like this big Santa Fe style Spanish adobe house there. Then you'll be jealous because you can't live there, right?

Jancey:The night is young. Ow!

Hank:They're just the deadliest spider known to man.

Hank:Watch your step. I mean careerwise.

Jancey:having a comedy club in my own home.

Larry:Are you saying that 'cause you watered down the drinks?

Jancey:Geez, I hope one of those spiders bites you tomorrow night.

Jancey:So, can we start a family if I have the baby at the Greek Theater? Huh?

Larry:But in the shape of a spider, honey.

Beverly:Intimacy.

Larry:Were they Ludes? Soapers? Were they reds?

Carol:Ooh, pubic hair on my coconut. That's it. Sexual harassment. Where is my lawyer?

Larry:They look like big, hairy potatoes with legs in 'em.

Artie:They're roller coasters. Call it what you like.

Writer:I think he's trying out a new Lebanese thing.

Artie:You know, talking to you is like talking to you.

Hank:Yes, it is. The fastest light in the West. Fire 'em up, partner.

Hank:Stunts are Larry's territory. Hank Kingsley shalt not trespass.

Hank:Not that I've made a stink about it, because I am not... a squeaky wheel, you know that.

Hank:The hat?

Artie:Between you and me, I think I saw your balls at one point.

Larry:Did you really see my balls?

Larry:That's my cup from the hockey segment.

Hank:My God... you're a good man.

Larry:Hank, please.

Could you take your top off? I'm begging you. Could you?

Hank:You know, make it more my style.

Spider Expert:I carry a spider anti-venom kit on my person at all times. I didn't bring it with me today.

Artie:It's not easy being on this side of the cue cards.

Carol:Your check is on the way.

Larry:You actually have to get earmuffs at a specialty shop?

Carol:maybe you could talk to costumes about getting you a longer loincloth. I saw your balls.

Larry:You're wrong right there. They're clearly found in plastic boxes.

Larry:I've never complained about anyone opening up a lid of anything.

Larry:Wrong. Come on, don't you folks wanna see Hank put that on his...

Carol:If you guys are too chicken, I'll do it.

Larry:And you were 'mistakener.'

Larry:Don't you drop me!

Larry:It wasn't a sketch. It was a massive spastic fuck-up.

Artie:It made the Ed Ames tomahawk throw look like a big piece of shit.

Hank:Oh, no, the spider guy said it's a mild allergic reaction. It should run its course in about a week's time... and it's hardly noticeable.