Arthur

Larry · Artie:His Carol Channing was terrific. It was. You know, Patriot Games should have been a musical.

Artie · Larry:I'll come over later and stick a red hot poker up your ass. We'll call it even. - Okay. You have my address, right? - And your poker size.

Artie · Larry:I swear I killed her in the war. - You used that line yesterday.

Artie:Unethical? Geez, Larry, don't start pulling at that thread. Our whole world will unravel.

Larry · Artie:You know the truly frightening thing? - What? - I'm really turned on right now.

Artie:Don't take this as a threat, but I killed a man like you in Korea... hand to hand.

Artie:Don't take this as a threat, but I killed a man like you in Korea... hand to hand.

Artie:If I can't, I'm gonna dress up like Nell Carter and kick his ass myself.

Artie:Sure. I saw Buddy Ebsen's head floating over my dresser. But he vanished. Slept like a dream.

Artie:I'm surprised you didn't smell Leno's cologne on the little rat bastard.

Larry · Artie:I gave him that whole manager/agent shit. And he bought it? Of course. He said it was his manager and agent? That's what he told me. You bought that horseshit?

Larry · Artie:I gave him that whole manager/agent shit. And he bought it? Of course. He said it was his manager and agent? That's what he told me. You bought that horseshit? Are you kidding?

Artie:He calls it 'the tarantula arm races.'

Artie:Two minutes ago, you were willing to take a puck to the nuts. Now you're crying over a couple of bugs.

Artie:Gigantic fuzzy insects crawling on your body, lions crapping in your lap. It's great television.

Artie:They're roller coasters. Call it what you like.

Artie:You know, talking to you is like talking to you.

Artie:Between you and me, I think I saw your balls at one point.

Artie:It's not easy being on this side of the cue cards.

Artie:It made the Ed Ames tomahawk throw look like a big piece of shit.

Artie:Not really. Hee Haw was on.

Artie:Don't mention the name Rupert Pupkin.

Artie:Schwing.

Artie:He made Herve Villechaize seem funny, but without making fun of him.

Artie:If I said something every time I saw something coming... we'd never get anything done.

Artie:Some of the things you do are not quite right.

Artie:Hank, you speak very slowly.

Larry · Artie · Barbara:You can't say? Oh, Artie, he can't say. - No, he can't say. - He can't say.

Dana · Artie · Larry:I'm not taking the deal with CBS. I apologize, sir. Thank you. Why? I'm taking the deal at NBC.

Larry · Artie:I didn't even know about the NBC thing. I saw it coming. I hate this business. I'm telling you, I saw it coming. And I'm telling you, I hate this fucking business.

Artie · Larry:I saw it coming. - I hate this business. I'm telling you, I saw it coming. And I'm telling you, I hate this fucking business.

Larry · Artie:Is she with lips or without lips? - I wanted to talk to you about that. One of her lips is thin, and the other one's still fat.

Artie:Horseshit! This isn't about those plants. This is about me. I am those plants, goddamn it.

Artie:It's Demerol, you ass, and tequila. It's a good mix.

Artie:If somebody farts in the Xerox room, I've heard about it.

Artie:I guarantee you there's nothing in there.

Artie:Drink it, or I'll knock you to the floor, step on your neck and piss in that good ear.

Artie:Never get sick. If there's one cardinal rule in show business, it's 'Never get sick.' It's when you're down, when you show the slightest weakness, that they slip that knife in your back.

Artie:I have to admire that little Iago... Jonathan Littman.

Artie:You want to sit there while Kathie Lee prattles on in your good ear about how Frank hates to change Cody's poopy diapers?

Artie:Hello, you worthless piece of shit!

Artie:"Cousins Will Fuck" is the first topic.

Artie:Yeah, but that knife was wielded by a relative stranger.

Artie:swelling it to such a grotesque size that the skull bursts like a ripe honeydew melon. I saw a case like this in Korea once. It was a horrible, painful way to die. Yeah, the screams still haunt me.

Artie:You just want people that fear... suck up to you!

Artie:The heavy one has such a pretty face.

Artie:This is like watching the Rodney King tape. Don't make me watch this anymore.

Artie:I have seen the hand on the hand done many times. I, myself, have done it with Gregory Peck. Trust me, I felt nothing.

Artie:You don't want to do that. He's had septic problems with that place.

Artie:She's singing 'Camptown Races' with a guy who carves soap. She's just being a good guest.

Artie:Steam coming out of my ass, Arty.

Shel · Artie:At the moment, the latest demand is a golf cart to drive around the studio. Poor deluded bastard.

Artie:My dog wouldn't eat that shit.

Artie:Do you think that stain on his pants is from the gumbo? I don't think so.

Artie:How do you place a value on a man who introduces Wynnona Judd as 'TheJudd'?

Artie:Fuck it, it's free cake. We can't miss this.

Artie:I was eating a sandwich in my office when suddenly I heard you guys.

Artie:Don't you know? No, my TV stops at channel 13... the way it's supposed to.

Shel · Artie:It's that golf cart I told you about last week. I smell urine here.

Artie · Larry:You did have that offer to go on after Nightline, didn't you? Fuck no.

Artie:The monologue was awful. A piece of shit, but you're hilarious when you're bombing.

Artie · Larry · Artie:Peas in a pod. / Lesbians? / No, just friends.

Artie · Larry · Artie:One of them can't get through a metal detector. / Which one? / Which one do you think?

Artie:We'll just give you a hot dog and a beer and you can sit there and watch it on a little TV like those guys do at a ball game.

Hank · Artie:All I could see was Mr. Heston's rug and a bit of the back of Larry's jacket. / That's a tragedy.

Larry · Artie:It's about Jerry and Sally. / Fucking. I know.

Artie:Behind your desk. That's new carpeting, that little prick.

Artie:It's taken us eight years to disconnect you the way you always wanted to be.

Larry · Artie · Larry · Larry · Artie · Artie:Do you ever notice that we get caught up in a certain kind of thought process? / What thought process? / Like the one we're involved in now. / We should try and put a stop to it. / Fine. / Stop it we shall do.

Artie:Stop it we shall do.

Artie:If he bangs her any harder, the air bags are going to inflate.

Artie:If he bangs her any harder, the air bags are going to inflate.

Artie · Larry:She's 53, fit as a fiddle. / I did not know that.

Artie · Larry:Dr. Ruth is just back from Africa. I'll book her tomorrow night. It's not a sexual problem, Artie.

Artie:If they cross two or more time zones, that's a rule of thumb. Probably gone for good.

Artie:They're just women. They're projecting their own neuroses on you. They're all sick. You don't think they wish they were you?

Artie:Six weeks is her longest relationship except when she went on tour with Oingo Boingo. I think that was eight weeks.

Artie · Jeannie:You should try to think of a performer as a small, helpless child. No, Artie. I have sex with him.

Artie:Maybe. That's up to you. But all I can tell you is that we've got half the anniversary show right here!

Artie:Delightful! This is the best show we've ever done!

Artie:This is the best show we've ever done!

Artie:The joke doesn't work unless he ends with the words 'adjustable beds.'

Artie:She's halfway to her ideal weight, whatever that's supposed to mean.

Larry · Artie:You've never been to the house before? Not that I recall. I have no mental picture.

Larry · Artie:Be there or be square. I can do both.

Artie:Just because Cheers was a hit, every asshole thinks he can mix a drink.

Artie:Drink it, you pussy.

Artie:Five marriages.

Artie:Now I'm going downstairs and I'm gonna take care of that... sack of human shit with a camera.

Artie:Every 30 days, they take their thumb out of their ass, scribble down numbers.

Artie:It's not the size of the number. It's the motion of the ocean.

Artie · Larry Sanders:If 20 random people decided... that you'd look better with a crew cut, would you get one? Yes.

Artie:The harder they cry, the funnier you are.

Artie:"Tastes great on steak"? What kind of a shit line is that?

Artie · Larry Sanders:The sooner you start liking yourself... you won't care what other people think. Great. Then I'm totally fucked.

Steve Himmel · Larry Sanders · Artie:Hey, what are you laughing at? Oh, nothing. Are you guys making fun of me? Oh, no, no. Fuck you! Show biz assholes!

Artie · Larry:- Chicks seem to dig his sound. - "Chicks seem to dig his sound"?

Artie:Horse-hocky. Everybody looks good in a cowboy hat.

Hank · Larry · Artie:that obnoxious turd who does that "Hey, Vern" character. - Oh, that's Ernest. - He's funny.

Larry · Artie:Artichoke hearts? Ever try 'em in a salad? - They really add zing. - Don't they?

Larry · Artie:- Approximately. - Approximately not many.

Artie:I fished a dead bird out of her spa on the Fourth of July. - She owed me a favor.

Artie:How would you like to be the guy who watches this all day long? Ten bucks says it's a cable channel by the end of the year.

Artie:This isn't a fuckin' lending library, lady.

Artie:You may have a problem there... that's just completely unrelated to the world of publicity.

Artie:this is the sort of thing that might have kept Dennis Miller on the air... for another week or two.

Artie:I'm gonna tell everyone out here the nickname you have for your penis.

Artie · Larry:The only way you're gonna get better ratings is if you marry Hank on the air. - God, you're a sick fuck.

Artie:Yeah, love the one where the man gets hit in the nuts with the Wiffle Ball

Paula · Artie:Geography quiz. But I'm working on a new guest now. Who's Leno got? Macauley Culkin. Why, you... I'm just kidding you.

Artie:That was a fluke

Artie:That was a fluke. The guy cares less about the show every night.

Artie:Of course. He's a fucking moron. What do you expect?

Artie:Yes, or some similar piece of shit. I don't know what

Artie:Now, LaToya, she could circle. There's a gal that could be circling for years

Artie:If he were a kidney, he'd been here an hour ago

Artie:Jesus! Are you laying in your own puke?

Larry · Artie:Who are they? It's a mystery. They don't need to be a mystery to me, Artie. I'm the host.

Artie:I'll tell you who got nominated. Letterman, Saturday Night Live, and I'll bet you Billy Crystal hosting the Academy Awards. Am I right? What's the other one? A Jackie Mason Hanukkah, Artie?

Larry · Artie:Walk it off? Cancel. Move on. Why don't I just put ice on it? It's a marriage, for god's sakes!

Larry · Artie:Until we get this show on track, I have no dick. No dick? Check.

Larry · Artie:Jesus, he's dipping into the toilet. I agree. Why didn't we get the Buttafuocos on? They turned us down. Good. They're not right for the show anyway. I agree. Fucking Koppel blurs the line. My god, no, it's not right.

Larry · Artie:If it's Hank, why isn't Hank here? Hank has one line, and it's his name. You think he can do that without a rehearsal?

Larry · Artie:Isn't 'cap in a can' funnier? Cap in a can. Ha! You're right! That's funnier. Cap in a can!

Artie:I'm pissing in my pants, conceptual flaw and all!

Artie:No, no. Lee Marvin lost everything but the dog.

Artie:It should with that hippie in the white house.

Artie:You can't buy those kind of fuck-ups, Larry.

Larry · Artie:You ever feel like somebody grabbed you, when they weren't there? No. That was weird.

Artie:That's a heart attack.

Artie:You better grow up, you son of a bitch. This is America. You don't get caught. You don't ever plead guilty.

Beverly · Artie:Red alert, Artie. Why? Larry is talking to Francine. Oh, Jesus! I'll call you back. Who let the crazy bitch in here? She's gonna fuck him up for weeks.

Artie:Larry, it's Artie. I know you went to dinner with Francine, but, Jesus, god, lad, I'm warning you, don't have sex with her. Larry?

Larry · Artie:I slept with Francine last night.

Artie:That woman smashed your People's Choice Award. Why take it out on the award? The fucking people gave you that award.

Artie:These Baldwin boys seem to be multiplying like fucking jackrabbits.

Larry · Artie:What's he play with? With his ass, I suppose.

Artie:Remember what happened with all those Carradines?

Artie:I saw them together at a rolling disco party a few years ago.

Artie:You see his face slobbering in her ear. You see legs all entangled. You hear the grunts.

Artie:No. Paula looks like a jerk.

Artie:That's a big mistake.

Artie:There must be 85 to 100 names.

Artie:You're making a mistake. A big, big mistake.

Larry · Artie:John lennon, Sharon tate-- These incidences could have been prevented by adequate security

Artie:The guy looked like linda hunt.

Larry · Artie:I just can't believe I spent the money to move the bathroom. That was a wise decision, kiddo. Who wants to walk that far in the middle of the night to take a shit?

Artie:If you only had the electrical fence, all you'd have to do now is unplug it and hose it down.

Artie:Oh, you always do this when you're renegotiating your contract.

Artie:Fucking little snot. He's too busy playing with his balls to shake my hand.

Artie:You're always supposed to shake a man's hand.

Artie:Not shooting one of those fucking infomercials, are you?

Hank · Artie:For one of those infomercials. No. Telethon? No, to go on the road.

Hank · Artie:A little soft shoe, you know like Sammy used to do, but with a twist. What's the twist? I'm doing it.

Artie:That's quite a twist, Hank.

Artie:I'm sure your driveway will do just fine.

Artie:You've sunk all your money in that silly restaurant, and now you're completely fucked. 100% fucked.

Artie:Hank, you don't open with a showstopper.

Artie:[French accent] Can you feed this young hellcat, too?

Artie:He's doing that big tap number from Lawrence of Arabia. It's a killer.

Artie:I learned how to shake a man's hand before I learned how to wipe my own ass!

Artie:Do you always fuck on the first date?

Artie:You know all Leno's got on Friday? Sandra Bernhard and Carrot Top.

Artie:I told him to go with a samba, not with a salsa, if he's gonna do the Latin thing.

Larry · Artie:Isn't it 'come down'? He's scatting.

Artie · Francine:You wash, I'll dry. Larry has a dishwasher. You rinse, I'll load.

Artie:Could be worse. You could be in Leno's band.

Artie:Hank has got a pair of cojones the size of Texas. You gotta give him that.

Artie:Little prick. Sickening.

Artie:Young people are a delight. They're the hope for a new tomorrow. And eventually they'll try to steal our jobs.

Artie:Ladies crapper? Third door on the right.

Artie:It's a lesson called, 'If Hank can do it, Anyone can.'

Artie:In an open space, You could cram this Up his ass. I don't think you need To take it out the box.

Artie:I said let's all go down And have some fucking cheese.

Artie:This is something You don't need to see. You're just in Your late teens. Let's go.

Artie:And I think today is What I consider to be A typical day at the Larry Sanders show. Shit...

Artie:There's a goddamn house that's sitting right here in the middle of the road! Don't ever move to Malibu, it's a fucking hellhole.

Artie · Paula:I'd like you to fill in for me... And don't tell Larry that I'm not there because you know how he gets when I'm not around.

Artie:Two years is two days in Darlene time.

Artie · Paula:Have a glass of wine... You don't have to drink it, Paula. Just walk in front of the audience with it.

Artie:Oh, christ!

Paula · Artie:It was an accident. I shouldn't drink. / Horse hockey.

Artie:Classic, my ass! People are tired Of seeing hosts Being pissed on. Joe franklin did that 30 years ago.

Artie:Well, let's get rid Of the fucking blue curtain. Jazz things up a little. Let's get a red curtain, Maybe with a stripe.

Artie:I suppose she prefers The cinema and the ballet.

Artie · Hank:I'm afraid our boy Is getting pussy-whipped. Artie, ix-nay On the ussy-whipped-pay. Quite right, Hank. Inexcusable. Forgive me, ladies.

Artie:If he's not At his house, Try yoko's place.

Artie:Leno couldn't flirt. It would Make people sick. Yech.

Artie · Hank:We'll be right in. Hank, would you do me A favor and say... [Whispering]

Hank · Artie:I am very concerned About Larry's lack Of interest in the show. Not now, Hank.

Artie:Excuse Hank. Hank sometimes Forgets his boundaries.

Artie:That monkey gave A lot of people pleasure With that Inappropriate act.

Artie:Movies, is it? Oh, movies.

Artie:Don't take this show For granted. You insult me And everyone Who works here.

Artie:Go ahead And see how you like Spending 14-hour days In a trailer Playing gin rummy With your hairdresser.

Artie:You and Hank Eating pie.

Artie:Hear that live audience Laugh? You won't get that Making movies.

Larry · Artie:She wasn't wearing underwear, was she? Ha ha! That shook you up, didn't it? You were very funny. Damn right, it shook me up. I stunk the rest of the show.

Artie · Larry:You want me to kick his parasitic ass into the street? What is your problem? Sorry. That's right. I forgot. You used to be a bouncer.

Larry · Stan · Artie:What did you need the money for? I don't know. Coke, hookers--something. At least it didn't go to waste.

Artie:Who are we trying to avoid?

Artie:Temp worker, my ass. He's a stone hustler.

Artie:You've just stepped in a huge pile of shit named Stan Paxton. You're tracking it all over my office.

Artie · Larry:It's your show, it's my office! No. It's your show, It's my office!

Artie:It's your show, it's my office!

Artie:He should give the crowd a fucking receipt.

Stan · Larry · Artie:Who do I blow around here to get my jokes on? [Both] Me.

Artie · Larry:Drinking during the monologue at my fucking monitor. You're kidding. Are you positive? I could smell it in his coffee-- some kind of cheap, domestic plain-wrapped vodka.

Artie:That's for weekends. I'll talk to stan. I got to piss. I've got to go alone. I've got to clear my head, all right? I'll just hang here by the door like some crapper gargoyle.

Artie · Larry:Maybe if you'd told him that back then, they maybe today Stan would be Hank. That's horrible thing to say. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

Artie:Fucking crime to-- you don't ruin a beautiful piece of meat.

Artie:Well, my guess it that tape did come out of his ass.

Jerry · Artie:That's all he did was five minutes. It's about five minutes too long.

Larry · Artie:Like who? Gallagher. We haven't had gallagher on, but there's a perfect example.

Larry · Artie:Is he, uh... No, he even bungled that. He missed.

Artie · Larry:They found him in his car. What do you mean, they found him? He was shot.

Artie · Larry:He shot off the top of his left ear. My god, my god, my god. Stan killed himself. He didn't kill himself. He just fucked up his left ear.

Artie · Larry · Hank:And he had a shotgun. He put a shotgun in his mouth and he pulled the trigger. Why would anybody do anything like that? Bullshit! It was his ear.

Hank · Artie:This is a horrible trick. He's talking to him, Hank. Maybe yes, maybe no.

Beverly · Larry · Artie:Don't you have to be working longer than three days to qualify for the health plan? I don't know. Artie! No health plan! [Door slams]

Artie:You must have Looked away.

Artie:You could Stand on the roof And watch Angie dickinson Sunbathe.

Larry · Artie:This is A mediterranean ficus. It's a very classy plant. Look perfect By your fireplace. Think so? Yes. No.

Artie:No bush.

Artie:In the crapper.

Artie:Shouting out the names Of some of this country's Finest men's publications Outside the ladies' crapper Is not low profile.

Artie:Just Larry and me In a decorating magazine? People might get The wrong idea. I would.

Artie:Standing Next to Hank, You'll come off Like carl sagan.

Artie:I've got a face That cracks mirrors. That's why I'm a producer.

Artie:Oh, I'm sorry, Hank. It's america's loss.

Artie:This is fucking Bad timing That darlene's Article came out The same day As yours.

Artie:As usual, I'd like to see more of that humor on the page.

Artie:Louis XIII is much more than cognac... After four sips, he fell asleep at the Christmas party. Exactly. That's what Larry likes to do.

Delivery guy · Artie:Including a $5.00 rush delivery, it's $32.12... There's been a mistake. I ordered Louis XIII.

Artie:It's like hot piss.

Artie:You have fucked at least three interns that I know about, one right out there behind the fucking desk.

Artie:You have to be a genius to get away with that kind of stuff. You're not getting away with it, jer.

Artie:Don't sweat it, kiddo. It's a good deal. You're getting fired. They have to pay you for a month.

Artie:Knock that shit off, you guys. Sorry, Artie. Listen, I picked that fucking goddamn tie out myself.

Hank · Artie:This is $1,100 a bottle. $75 a shot. And this is the last bottle in the western U.S. You're goddamn right it is.

Artie · Larry:Oh, fucking moron-- Leaving us to go on tour with Amy Grant. Jesus! / Artie, he found god. / Blah, blah, blah.

Hank · Artie:What are you grabbing my elbow? / Am I? / Yeah. You grabbed my elbow. Please. Thank you.

Artie · Hank:You're fired. Ha ha ha! / All right. You see, now, that's funny. Let's take a second and examine, why is that funny, exactly?

Dora · Artie:You're out of toilet paper. / You know what it is? In most of the relationships you've been involved in, you've been Larry Sanders-- the Larry Sanders.

Hank · Artie:Give me an 'L,' give me an 'A,' give me an 'R,' give me an 'R,' give me a 'Y.' What's that spell? Come on! What's that spell? / Larry. / God damn right, Larry.

Artie · Jake · Hank:Or to use your musical lingo, a couple of half notes. / [Both chuckle] / It's not a problem. I've got an easy schedule. / You see, Larry... 'Schedule.'

Artie:A double dollop of icing.

Artie:God, tonight's show was the cake, but you definitely are the icing.

Larry · Artie:Did any of Johnny's wives work? / Well, they were fully functional. Is that the question?

Artie:All of Johnny's wives had the same first name, so that confused things from the get-go.

Artie:I fired her ass. She was my secretary.

Hank · Artie:I wear this girdle for medical reasons, all right? I am performing with pain. / Christ.

Larry · Artie:Was she, uh... upset? / What do you think?

Artie:Artie: 'I almost had to run to the can myself' after praising the 'in the can' joke

Larry · Artie:'But we have him on every month, Artie.' 'Hank's on every night.' 'I've been meaning to talk to you about that.'

Artie:Artie reading the fall schedule: 'Ben vereen. Up and tapping, thank god. Susan dey. Pertful little skirtfull.'

Artie:'That's why the good lord invented videotape.'

Larry · Artie:'10:00 tomorrow!' 'That means 10:30?' 'Yeah. 10:30 sharp.'

Larry · Artie · Staff:'I can sum up with one word-- guests.' 'Guests. Thank you, Jesus.' 'What did you think the problem was?' '[All] Guests.'

Phil · Artie · Larry:'This is a booking problem, right?' '[Artie] Phil, shut the fuck up.' 'I'll handle it. Phil, shut the fuck up.'

Artie:'Performance art. That's a bunch of dog poop. What does he do? Get stark naked? Cover himself with chocolate syrup?'

Artie · Larry:I warned you with my eyes. I heard nothing. I saw nothing.

Artie · Tim Miller:'We think you're terrific, Timbo.' immediately followed by Tim asking not to be called Timbo

Artie · Network executive:'Listen to me, Melody, the man said "butt plug" three times! And you and I both know you can't--' 'You can say "butt plug"? Since when?'

Artie · Larry:'The network says that it is our decision and they find no problem with the piece.' 'What do you mean?' 'They're hanging us out to dry.'

Artie:You can say 'butt plug'? Since when?

Artie · Larry:'I'll count to 10, and if you agree with my choice, don't say anything.' 'I agree.' 'Then don't say anything.' 'I got excited. I had the answer.'

Phil · Artie:'I told my friends to watch Tim Miller last night.' 'Why, Phil?' 'They haven't seen anything that good since my college roommate's nervous breakdown.'

Staff · Artie:'Calling him the Jesse Helms of late-night television.' 'Well, hell. That's not so bad.'

Larry · Artie:Turn it off. You know, Tim's great. He's got a story to tell. He's telling how we screwed him.

Artie:Wall of love, my ass.

Larry · Artie · Beverly:Whoa. Ooh. [All chuckling]

Artie · Larry:Any woman would want To marry that. Me? Ah, you're right.

Artie · Larry:May I remind you Of my old friend tiny tim? As I recall, That was a freak show. A highly rated one.

Artie:Hank, three words-- Luke and laura.

Artie:Now, that is what I call great television.

Larry · Artie:You didn't Like Jeannie? Why didn't you say-- The girl was bad news. Why didn't you Say something?

Larry · Artie:We should book her On the show, Artie. As a regular. As anything. As a sidekick!

Artie:Keith, let's get rid of these red gels. We're not marrying two McDonald's French fries.

Artie:Honesty is The worst policy.

Artie · Hank:Gavin MacLeod is standing by. / I won't be married by the Love Boat captain.

Artie · Hank:Gavin macleod Is standing by. I won't be married by The love boat captain.

Artie:Wait till tomorrow, When you See those sweet, Sweet ratings. Yeah! Then you'll Get it.

Artie:We're an hour away From show 1,457, Not that We keep count.

Artie:You think we've Busted our balls Doing 1,400 shows So Larry can get laid? If mr. Sanders Wanted to fuck talent, He'd have been An agent.

Artie:Put the nursing home group In the upper left corner. That's the studio's Warmest place.

Artie · Elizabeth Ashley:I can't. I-- i-- I'm married, liz. Oh, how is The little woman? Huh? Your wife?

Artie · Elizabeth Ashley:What do you think Of a woman Who'd leave her home For three months To photograph zebras Humping? I think that Daddy's lonesome, too.

Artie · Elizabeth Ashley:We're leaning On Larry's suits. Do I look like I give a shit? Jump on back here, Little big man. Ever since you've Gone on slim-fast, I'm powerless.

Artie:No shit. Who's this key chain?

Darlene · Artie:If it wasn't for me, This dog would be dead now. Look at this little face. This face Would be dead. Yeah, well, that Would be a tragedy. What would his fleas do?

Artie:Look at his neck. He's a flea hotel.

Adam Loderman · Gene Siskel · Artie:It's bad being On the show With him, But then I get assaulted By his fucking dog! I don't have A dog. Did he bite you in the face? No, he got between my legs, I tripped, I hit My face on the table.

Artie:If you don't Shut the fuck up, I will kick you In the nuts so hard, Your dentist Will have to Work around them At your next cleaning. Ha! Just kidding.

Artie:So you'll jerk off With the other hand For a few weeks.

Warren Zevon · Artie:Every single show I do, I play it. It's driving me Fucking crazy. What about Your first album, french connection? the french inhaler?

Larry · Artie:He shut his hand In the door? Yes. How did that happen? He put a hand up on a hinge And closed the door. Well, no, it sounded like It was this door right here. It was his thumb In the door.

John Ritter · Adam Loderman · Artie:Adam, they Fucking bumped me. Adam! Hey, buddy. Don't you talk to me. We're just trying To give you more time. Artie. What?

Artie · Larry:I've never understood Why you read this shit. Because it's an article About the show. Well, I'm sure it's Excellent publicity.

Artie:They come on a show, it's not Exciting enough for them, They make up this shit.

Artie:Did I say Jerry van dyke? I mean joan van ark.

Artie:Larry's on vacation! He's not To be disturbed.

Artie:It's beginning to smell Like a goddamn locker room.

Artie · Phil:He's telling me About his troubles At the restaurant. But you're Not in there. He doesn't know that.

Artie:well, he's been in the men's room for an hour now... vomiting and weeping.

Artie:Instead of Saying 'hank's Look-around cafe,' It says 'Look-round cafe.'

Hank · Artie:Ah, that's ok. It is? Mm-hmm. You sure? 'Cause I could try To go out and buy an 'a.'

Artie:Welcome to the monkey house. Pass the penis, please. Am I right?

Artie:When people lie, They tend to cover their mouths. I learned that From jack webb when I was on dragnet, 1970.

Beverly · Artie:What are you listed under, Hank or Kingsley? Or hey, now?

Artie · Larry:You ever see A scorsese film? Yeah. You know, Like goodfellas? Yeah.

Larry · Artie:What if we shoot In new jersey? Even worse. They live there.

Artie:Hey, butt-bongo. Bravo!

Artie:You got a huge ass. It's a huge, huge ass. That's why we sent for That new lens from sony, So we could Cover that huge ass.

Artie:You're a miserable fucker. A real miserable fucker.

Artie:Oh, Larry, it's a magpie. They're scavengers, you know? They feed on road kill, dead meat. You know they carry rabies and lyme disease? You better not take a nap out on your porch. They'll peck your eyes out.

Artie:You're like one of those goddamn creatures out of Greek mythology... half man, half desk.

Artie:Or we could say you had a drug problem. You had to hide out in montana till you dried out. I tell you, that's the only surefire way I know of avoiding embarrassment.

Artie:They don't even give you those little towels, those little wet towels. I had to wipe my face with a pack of sweet'n low.

Larry · Artie:'Say now'? Say now. Well, he can't say 'hey, now.' That's the intellectual property of the Larry Sanders show.

Artie:They should be cut out of here like cancer.

Artie:If you say you're gonna sue somebody, the least you can do is follow through and sue them.

Artie:He's as clean as Louie Anderson's dinner plate.

Richard Germain · Artie:I didn't hear it ring. Oh, it didn't. It's a new system. You see, there's a little flashing light here you can't see from where you're standing.

Germain · Artie:Where's the gent's? Uh, right out the door, first crapper on the left.

Artie:Never mind that. What about the gay lovers thing?

Artie:¡vamanos! ¡andalay! ¡pronto!

Artie:Larry comes out and he tells the people that he was molested as a child. All right? Of course, I mean we have people who call your parents and we tell them we're just making it up.

Larry · Artie:His name guy? No. He's just a guy.

Larry · Artie:I did not sleep with that woman from montana. No? No. Just checking.

Hank · Artie:OK, I happened to say the word cum. So what? In front of Jessica tandy. Oh, that crybaby. She's heard all this shit before.

Artie:Move another inch toward Larry, and I'll take you down hard.

Artie:Is she the only one, or did you run across some muslim extremist who'd like to meet Larry?

Artie:Me and Tom snyder... shoving match right there in the thrifty parking lot. You're right. You're right, that didn't happen. Roseanne didn't marry her assistant, either. She gets to make up this stuff. Why the hell can't I?

Artie:Jesus, Larry, she knows all about little mickey.

Artie:There's nothing wrong with a handjob, Larry. In my day, I've had plenty of 'em in far worse places than a parking lot. I remember one time I was visiting St. Patrick's cathedral. It was a Thursday. There weren't many people in the pews in the back.

Artie:There's nothing wrong with a handjob, Larry. In my day, I've had plenty of 'em in far worse places than a parking lot. I remember one time I was visiting St. Patrick's cathedral. It was a Thursday.

Larry · Lloyd · Artie:I didn't say anything about Denny's. I think you did. No, I didn't, did I? Yeah, yeah. I heard Denny's.

Larry · Artie:Someone is stealing money from my atm account. You got a doctor's prescription mixed up in here. What is this? 'Rectumin.' That sounds familiar. What's that for? For what it sounds like. That is for nasal congestion.

Artie · Larry:Who has access to your atm account? My business manager. And his assistant. My agent. Gardener and housekeeper. So... technically, your account is a big slush fund for the entire pacific rim.

Beverly · Artie:He's going out tonight, right? Yeah. Dinner with Carrie Fisher. Remind him to wipe the rectumin from his elbow.

Artie · Beverly:I hope you're not badgering our Larry. He's a grown man, sweetie. If he doesn't want to talk to his daddy, he doesn't have to. Do you think I enjoy chasing him down, Artie?

Artie · Beverly:Darling, the job is to keep our little host happy... whatever that takes. Well, sometimes I think it takes too much. And do you think it would kill him if he could just say thank you just once? I thank you from the bottom of my heart for Larry's ma'am.

Artie · Larry:What do you want me to do, take him to dinner, get him hammered, couple of hookers? No, no. That would be overkill. Just be yourself.

Artie:Hey, Jerry! How the hell are ya? It's always a delight to greet my second favorite Mr. Sanders.

Artie:Beverly, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for handing Larry his undies. Larry thanks you, too. Don't you?

Artie:Well, if I spent 30 years selling office equipment, I'd be bitter about damn near everything.

Artie · Larry:He loved it. But he left. You're kidding. He had to catch an early plane to pittsburgh. He sends his love. Left right after the marilu henner segment.

Paula · Artie:Jason Alexander? Uh, only if we can't get Michael Richards or Jerry Seinfeld.

Paula · Artie:Mary Lou retton? Marilu henner. Oh, thank God. The last thing we need is Larry on those uneven bars again.

Paula · Artie:Oh, my gosh! Good one, Artie. Oh, I liked their first album, but the second one was a disappointment.

Artie:Damn it, if this stage caves in, you won't need bathrobes. You'll need bodybags.

Artie:Or is there just my suit floating in space?

Larry · Artie:He's putting my photo on the inner thigh. Oh, God damn it. Maybe you're right. Maybe it should be the outer thigh.

Artie · Larry:Iook at this. The name of the horse... Larry's valentine. Jockey... Hank Espinoza. The trainer's name is Bill. Bill, just like the guy who writes for us. Phil. No, it's Bill. See...

Artie:The name of the horse... Larry's valentine. Jockey... Hank Espinoza. The trainer's name is Bill.

Artie · Hank:Hot to trot. OK, I knew it. Breathe.

Larry · Artie:Should I go talk to him? / I wouldn't talk to him at all. / Then you go talk to him.

Artie:How could she not be available?

Artie:I gave her her first orgasm.

Hank · Artie:And he drinks. / So do I. That's why I like him.

Artie:You'll only have to strip at the end of the show.

Larry · Artie:That makes no sense. / Of course it does. Sweetheart, it's the network.

Artie:Rita to bring in the urbanites and the hairdressers

Artie:I mean actual hairdressers.

Artie:stevie called me up, and he was crying to me, 'why haven't you given Larry this job? Why don't you ask him to host?' Wee wee wee wee wee.

Artie:Why is everybody acting like a bunch of 4-year-olds at a fucking barney show?

Artie:Is that about a specific person or a pet?

Artie:Mr. Hal linden.

Artie:Rule number one... never quit. Always make them fire you. That way, you get your money.

Artie:The next time one of you shows up wearing black sneakers instead of black dress shoes, you'll need 'em because I'll chase your delicate little butt right out into the street.

Paula · Artie:Because he thinks if you can see the colors, it's easier to pick the flavor.

Artie:Thank god, because I've seen Larry vomit. It's not something you want to watch over and over again on Hard Copy.

Artie:You're right. Flop Howie and Louie, bump Saget from third to fourth, and make sure that Seinfeld knows that he's our first choice.

Artie:When he says no, make sure that Richard Lewis thinks that he's our first choice, and so on down the list.

Paula · Artie:Oh, your mind amazes me! I'm just now comfortable with it myself.

Artie:80% unemployment in the acting ranks, you can't find me one name?

Artie:Paula, are you aware I'm about to open the lid of a box far nastier than Pandora's?

Hank · Artie:I'm not supposed to eat in my show clothes. I know. It's just...I get hungry.

Hank · Artie:I can't move my legs. Whoop. Hip.

Hank · Darlene · Artie:I'm doing some creative visualization, and I'm seeing the audience screaming with laughter. I'm seeing the same thing, Darlene. Thank you for explaining the screaming.

Hank · Artie:It's just such a wonderful, tremendous vote of confidence. I want to thank you. Hank, believe me, I had no choice. I know. Thank you.

Artie · Larry · Beverly:Actually, we're off the list--Hank. [Retching] Larry? Artie, it's Beverly. Larry's vomiting again. Can we get back to you?

Hank · Artie:I'm just trying to pick out the right tie for the show. What about this one? You think that one? Oh, definitely. Ok. That's the one. You're the boss.

Hank · Artie:And, uh, you know, I ordered some pineapple. Have you seen my pineapple?

Hank · Artie:What if I suck? Never! Yeah, what if I suck? After all this time, I finally get my chance, and what if I just suck?

Artie:I been in this business, man and boy, almost 40 years. I know things, Hank. Let me tell you one of the things I know. You do not suck!

Beverly · Larry · Artie:He just got his first big laugh. Good for Hank. You don't understand. This is gonna go right to his head.

Artie:I have to be honest. I thought we were going to have to warn people to watch this show through a pin hole and a piece of cardboard.

Artie:I have to be honest. I thought we were going to have to warn people to watch this show through a pin hole and a piece of cardboard.

Hank · Artie:You sound a little surprised I did so well. Oh? I'm glad I'm not playing poker anytime soon.

Artie · Hank:'Kingsley proved himself completely maladroit in the host's chair.' Hank, 'adroit' means 'able.' 'Mal' means 'bad' or 'not.' Put 'em together. Maladroit--not able. capisce?

Larry · Artie:I'm sure Hank got on the phone with him. That crazy son of a bitch. I don't think Richard's that crazy. I think that's just an act. I meant Hank.

Artie:Last night he was a crying mess... Now he's the ass of the western world.

Artie:Oh, no, Hank. It really got away. It's down in Bolivia by now.

Artie:You should send 3 baskets to Lionel Richie, one for each time you called him Little Richard.

Artie:When you're vulnerable and humble, people like you. When you act like an asshole, people tend to think of you as an asshole.

Artie:1--when you're sick that close to air, we'll cancel. 2--Hank's place is on the couch where he does his best work. And 3--always let Beverly go into that yogurt shop alone.

Artie:I'll admit, I may have mishandled this affair, but everything turned out for the best.

Artie:I'll cancel the ranch. And the rest of us can sit in a sensory deprivation tank and see who takes a shit first.

Artie:A thousand bucks says this means big trouble.

Artie · Larry:Make it an even 2,000. I've never been so turned on in my life. Oh, me neither. This is the easiest 2,500 I've ever made.

Artie:Oh, me neither. This is the easiest 2,500 I've ever made.

Larry · Artie:It ain't dipped in gold. Like I'm supposed to know what that means.

Artie:You'll be getting the bill from the browning dealer for this sweetheart. 5 grand. I'll pay the extra grand.

Artie:Well, I thought we agreed that our evening of bliss was an event best not repeated.

Artie:Heat always passes From a hotter body To a cooler body And never The other way around.

Artie · Larry Sanders:No, she's More famous than you. What? She's more famous Than you are. She's what? More famous.

Artie:If you're in A show business relationship, And the woman's More famous than you are, She's the one with the dick.

Artie:If you're in A show business relationship, And the woman's More famous than you are, She's the one with the dick.

Artie · Beverly:Boy, does he Crave attention. Yeah. He's taking it Badly, though.

Larry Sanders · Artie:She's not more famous Than I am, is she? No!

Artie:Tom freeley... Tom freeley wouldn't know a joke if it drove at him and tried to park in the crack of his ass.

Artie:If she had a fondness for malt liquor, your niece could be my father-in-law.

Artie · Beverly · Phil:A little late with Larry's melon, huh, beverly? Oh, well, I had to go and get a new one first, Arthur. I mean, I had it already cut up into little chunks the way he always likes it. Then he came in today, said he wanted it bald. I'd do it, except I'm already dating someone.

Artie:If you're talking about balding Larry's melon, forget it, Phil. I didn't laugh the first time.

Artie:Well, it means, Phil, that you're a snide little prick. Not that we don't love that about you, but what we're looking for in a head writer is more experience, someone who is more of a people person.

Artie:That's true. In the last 2 minutes alone, you offered to fuck Larry's melon and you accused Paula of promising to orally service a distinguished guest. Let's face it, son, you're a born diplomat.

Artie:Unless they found out who killed Bob eubanks' tree.

Artie · Phil:He gave it a great deal of thought. He feels it's the right way to go. Unbelievable. Thanks, Mike.

Artie:Just stay away from your usual attire, that's all. Hell, you look like you're a member of peanuts gang. Linus with goatee.

Artie · Phil:Are you insane? What? What are you thinking you're doing in here? I came prepared. You said that these meetings are very important. Yes, they are. All the more reason to shut the fuck up.

Artie · Phil:Larry drives through the canyons every day at 4:00 to unwind before the show. Then why did he agree to these meetings? When he agreed to meet with you, this is what he meant

Artie · Phil:Car phones don't work in the canyons. Bingo. Got it?

Artie · Phil:Do you need an actual piano or can you use one of those casio keyboards? I need an ornate grand piano. Good. You aim for the grand. When you get the casio, be thrilled.

Phil · Artie:Arthur, do you remember the bosnian sheepdog joke? Mike wrote that. It got a huge applause break. I'm sure he'll always cherish that moment.

Phil · Artie:You want Paula fired? Yes, and I want to watch while you do it.

Artie · Phil:Lot more fun being the snotty little dork, wasn't it? Congratulations, son. You're the head writer. But I don't want the job. That's too damn bad.

Artie · Phil:You're making 6500 bucks a week, sweetie. Doesn't that soften the blows a bit? 6500... no, no, no. I'm only making 37,500. Oh, damn it! There's been a horrible mistake. Jesus, I have to fix that right away.

Larry · Artie:Listen, I'm also having a problem with kelly the prop girl. I'd like to replace her. Oh, sure. What the hell.

Artie:I just love your clown movie. I'm just a sucker for drunk clowns.

Artie:don't get near my fucking plants. They're my babies.

Artie · Larry:I raised it from a mere nut. / Oh, yeah? Those come from nuts, huh? / From a... a small nut. / Unlike your date palms. They come from dates.

Artie:Jesus Christ, Hank! Oh, my baby!

Artie · Larry:I called the fucker in your office here. And I told him he was pussy-whipped and he better get... / OK, fine, fine, fine. As long as you handled it. I handled it. I don't really need to know.

Artie · Larry:I called the fucker in your office here. And I told him he was pussy-whipped and he better get... / OK, fine, fine, fine. As long as you handled it. I handled it. I don't really need to know.

Artie:Charity begins at home, except in Hollywood where it begins at 7 pm every night in every fucking hotel ballroom in town.

Larry · Artie:I should take a look at his thumb. Did they do a nice job? Fan-fucking-tastic.

Artie:You know, that happens to creative geniuses, to all except my good friend professor Irwin corey.

Artie:There goes Mr. Reiner. I can see roberino disappearing into the clouds right now.

Artie:One hand washes the other. Scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. You know, tit for tat. Done with your metaphors? Mas o menos, hombre.

Artie · Writer:Is it last january already? No. It sounds like it from that joke.

Larry · Artie:And people wonder why I'm a cynical asshole. No, they don't.

Larry · Artie:A few good men... want a good courtroom movie? Caine mutiny. Yeah, bogey with the steel balls.

Artie:Let me tell you something. That's what ruined my second marriage. I told the truth. I found it to be disastrous.

Artie · Phil:You can't handle the truth. This. It isn't funny. This is hilarious. Ha ha. See?

Artie:Of course, I anticipated your inability to keep your mouth shut. So I arranged a backup.

Hank · Larry · Artie:My marriage is one big joke to you, isn't it? / That is not the case. / Come here, Hank. Come on, sweetheart. Listen, I know you're going through a tough time now, you know? Believe me, I've been there. / Well, I'm not there. I don't know where there is.

Artie:It's not a therapist, darling. It's my divorce lawyer. He's done a lot of bulk work for me.

Artie:If you're looking for a place to live when she gets the house, it's no problem, buddy. Here's a brochure for the Oakwood Apartments. It's fully furnished, dishes in the kitchen, 2 pools, whole 9 yards. And the complex is just loaded with fellow divorce victims. So whenever you get the urge to piss all over your ex, everybody joins in. You'll have a ball.

Larry · Artie:Hank seems in good spirits. / Who's he dancing with? / Himself. / Oh.

Artie:But you'll live through it like I did. And you're-- you're pissed...angry...but alive, god damn it, alive. Whoo!

Artie:You're not an original member of the O'Jays, are you, by any chance?

Artie:I actually believe that you could replace all of our network executives with chimps and, other than the, uh, hygiene factor going up, why, no one would know the difference.

Artie:Great show, great guests tomorrow, you go home, have a glass of wine, whack off. I'll see you tomorrow.

Artie:Dr. Don! I didn't recognize you with my pants on!

Artie:If you stand up too fast, you'll get hit in the head by the boom.

Artie:His heart's in the right place, but he keeps his brain in a box at home.

Artie:I gave him some candy and a balloon and sent him on his merry way.

Artie:Manson had a family.

Artie:Fine. I'll write it up. Have it upstairs by the end of the day.

Artie:Fine. I'll write it up. Have it upstairs by the end of the day.

Artie:The network respects you too much to play that kind of game.

Artie:I've been makin' waves since the midwife tugged me out of my mother's underside.

Artie:we'll kick 'em in the ass.

Artie:Who the fuck do you think I am, Mr. Chips?

Artie:I get a bad tooth, he goes to Maui.

Artie:Get off my ass. I'm hungry.

Artie:I already had my... lunch. I had a ham and bourbon sammich.

Artie:I hope you like it short and uneven.

Artie:No. I'm the goat. They're gonna fire me, see? They say that I can't handle you, so they're gonna bring in their own man.

Artie:When you have meetings with her lawyer, always wear the same suit. That way they think it's the only one you own. They don't rape you so much on the fucking alimony.

Artie:After my first wife gave me the gate, I went on a binge of sex, drugs, and 180-proof Everclear that lasted for three years.

Artie:After my fourth divorce, I was able to squeeze the same amount of debauchery into a long weekend.

Artie:Shock, denial, fear, booze, boners, acceptance.

Network Executive · Artie:A friend of mine said that he saw Mr. Kingsley sitting in a hotel bar with a prostitute. Your friend is mistaken.

Artie:He sees a bald man with a hooker. Automatically, it's Hank Kingsley. I wasn't aware Carl Reiner's out of town.

Hank · Artie:Raul Julia was here? Raoul the waiter.

Artie:This is a Beretta 9mm Centurion. You just pick that baby up. It'll do the job for you.

Artie:Listen, I'm gonna give housekeeping 20 bucks. I mean, you won't feel a fucking thing, but they're the ones who are gonna have to suffer.

Artie:You can always blow your head off. Safety's off. Ready to go. The divorce gun.

Artie:How close did Hank come to shooting himself? Oh, that fucking baby. He started crying the second I pulled it out.

Artie · Donna:I have to give you a check for the coffee table and the lamp. / No, sir. I intend to make you work for what you owe.

Artie:It's great to find some places never change... except for John, the chef. He's dead.

Artie · Larry:We split it. / Yeah, well, good. Fascinating. / So we're screwing each other silly. Is that what you want to know about?

Artie:Ever since I pissed in Larry Tisch's pool on labor day, I've been persona non grata at black rock.

Artie:I'm also a good cook, and I mix a stiff drink. Every last one of my wives said they would have divorced me years before, but they just couldn't face life without my herbs and spices.

Artie:I'm lying for love.

Larry · Artie:You didn't just say tough titty, did you? / Tough titty!

Artie · Larry:Tough titty! / You didn't just say tough titty, did you? / Tough titty!

Artie:I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a lonely old geezer wondering whether your melon got chopped up or whether I told you that your ass isn't fat.

Artie:Then maybe you and your fat ass can go fuck yourselves.

Larry · Artie:I think you're my Lisa, and I think I'm yours. / Oh, jeez! What the fuck!

Artie:We got an hour and 23 minutes till showtime, which explains the bad timing of your jokes.

Artie:I told props that I needed a flammable animal.

Artie:Larry, right on time as usual.

Artie:What a delightful bride of Christ you make, Roseanne.

Artie:These are placebos. Part of that modified rationing program I told you about.

Artie:He told me root canal. OK, so I'm not an expert in periodontics. Are you?

Artie:Fox will make a TV movie about you before the end of the year.

Artie:Martin Mull. Threatens Larry. Mike Myers. Threatens Larry. Tony Danza. Threatens Larry. Pat Sajak.

Artie:What's rule number 2, filling his prescriptions as soon as possible?

Artie · Hank:Oh, so... so 'talentless fuck' would have been more appropriate. You skinny little shit.

Artie:A bad case of Pat Sajakitis. We're all giddy with it, my boy.

Artie:When did Sajak get so fucking funny?

Artie · Larry:No. I have absolutely no idea. I see. So your show's still in the top 10, huh? Well, yeah. Until they run that Frasier guy against us.

Artie:Jamie Lee Curtis has never been on the show, Larry.

Artie:When you were smoking weed, you were kinda funny. But when you started taking these percs and bourbon, it's like you're working behind 8 feet of ice!

Artie:Well, aren't you a goddamn smart fellow because it was at planet fucking Hollywood. I mean who wants to eat buffalo wings sitting next to demi Moore's torn panties from disclosure?

Artie:She puts the supe in super model.

Artie:Well, let's call Dr. Reisman for a last-minute booking idea.

Artie:Then he can produce the show, and you can come to my office, lie on my couch, and cry about your mammy.

Artie:Soon you'll have Larry recovering a false memory of an uncle who tried to touch his pecker.

Artie:Perhaps you could arrange a conference call between you, Dr. Reisman, and the 12 roseannes.

Artie:This television show is where you are in total command, where no one gets the best of you, where you are the king.

Artie:Damn it! Why couldn't she have done that on tonight's show? We would have had worldwide publicity.

Artie:Hey, look out, me boy, I found me lucky poker hat.

Artie:Wayne's world money!

Artie:Artie wearing the Dana Carvey tape as a hat

Larry · Artie:You're getting very wide. I'm shoving it up.

Artie:Chinless little cocksuckers.

Artie:Well, you... you lilt.

Artie:Don't speak to Larry unless he speaks to you.

Artie:Maybe this will be your first chance to fuck your assistant.

Artie:Barbara streisand. Aw. Aw, shit.

Artie:I'd take that little Dana carvey and I'd dry-shave him with a flicker.

Larry · Artie:Well, I got a boner. Whoa, we're all in trouble.

Artie:You know, you used that excuse 10 weeks ago, memory serves. That means you're not due to start your cycle until the 22nd or 23rd.

Artie:You were a bit puffy.

Artie:Oh, you're good. You're not the first woman who's told me that.

Artie:Do you like history, Phil? What does that mean? Because if Larry doesn't want to wear the hat, that's what it becomes, dig?

Artie:What? Makes me laugh. What makes you laugh, the sketch? No. The word 'slicker' makes me chuckle.

Artie · Phil:Say it again. Slicker. Use it in a sentence. I like my slicker. Ha ha.

Artie:Profanity, beverly. I love it.

Artie:We call them 'mentally challenged' now, beverly.

Artie:Don't twist your skivvies in a knot, sugar.

Artie · Beverly:Having fun showing her around? Artie, the woman is my mother.

Artie:Is there blood? Everywhere.

Artie:What, can't find your way upstream to spawn?

Artie:Oh, God, no!

Artie · Hank:Really? No.

Artie · Ryan:Make you feel better to hit me? Go ahead. Shut up. You know you want to. I'm not hitting anymore.

Artie:She's probably screwing hans brinker. She's making his skates into earrings as we speak.

Artie:That's not my problem now, is it, sweetie?

Artie:I'm not sending you one thin gilder.

Artie:go to rotterdam, then you go to amsterdam, then you go down the road to my city. That's right. It's a little place called I don't give a damn.

Artie:Yeah, I recognize that toluca lake accent.

Artie:No, dipshit. I mean recently, before toluca lake.

Artie · Nicolae:You just told me that you watch the show a lot. Yes, but is no Larry.

Nicolae · Artie:Hank. Hank is very good. Ha! You know Hank? Hey now!

Artie:You know why we get along, nic? 'Cause we're brothers. We're the unsung heroes. I clean up shit all day, you clean up shit all night.

Artie:When you die, you'll go to heaven, you say hello to God, and when God says hello to you, this is what you'll smell on his breath.

Artie:You're lucky, nic, 'cause the shit I clean up talks back.

Artie:I'm gonna resist the urge to, uh, express my anger by using profanity, and I hope you appreciate that, you... scum-sucking asshole!

Artie:I wish you great success with the show. And personally, I have no ill will toward you... but hope your balls fall off.

Artie:but does it crack? Does it? No!

Artie · Nicolae · Artie:Because all the pressure in this building, all the stress goes right into that, but does it crack? Does it? / No! / Aw, say, you bet your ass. Damn right it doesn't.

Artie:'Cause all people remember is the night the chimp grabbed Larry's balls.

Artie:That's the way it adds up... just a monkey and some balls.

Artie · Nicolae:Here. Iooky here. I want you to take this. Go on, take it. / No. / Fuck your pride. Keep the clip, too. / Too very many.

Artie:he gave me this the year he took his show to Florida.

Artie:You're still the fucking janitor, aren't you?

Nicolae · Artie · Nicolae · Nicolae:I hope your balls falling off! / Ah, fuck you. You're fired. / I union. Union this! / I no need brother like you.

Artie:Prick.

Artie:Supremely bumpable.

Artie:His old man abandoned him when he was 2.

Artie:If those are his parents, he probably brought them in to put more fucking pressure on you.

Artie:He'll bellow like a bull moose.

Hank · Artie:She's really flirting with me. Yeah. No shit.

Artie:I suggest the infomercial bit. It's been done to death.

Artie:But this has Jack to do with him. It's got to do with you grabbing a little glory in the spotlight.

Artie:It's got to do with you grabbing a little glory in the spotlight.

Artie:Put him on the Sean Young list.

Artie:Jesus, Larry, was it good? You're kidding, now, aren't you?

Artie:No, I'm asking the guy with one eye in row 6. I don't think he knows either.

Artie:Don't get drunk.

Artie:The wayans family is in there. A lot of fun going on. Hey, big house party.

Artie:Sweetheart, baby, trying to ruin us all? Our jobs depend on Larry being just that much better than the other guy.

Artie:There they are, the sunshine boys.

Artie · Jeannie:I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you're never coming back again, are you? No.

Artie:Everyone screws up the yogurt. I used to screw it up back when it was ice cream, and my car smelled like rotten milk, but that's show biz.

Artie:Why, because cully hasn't learned how to kiss ass yet like everybody else around here?

Artie:Not after you stabbed the great one with a fork!

Artie:Don't you dare call Larry a sock!

Artie · Phil:I trust they're Still crispy in the milk. Actually, they're Kind of soggy.

Artie:That tape you copied Is crawling around town Like a fucking ebola virus.

Artie:if Hank Gets that dick of his Caught in a wringer, Everyone near him Is gonna get splattered.

Paula · Artie:Melissa gilbert. Oh, for Christ's sake. How are you gonna generate some heat around Melissa gilbert? Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa gilbert! Wa-hoo!

Paula · Artie:Michael chiklis. Who in hell is Michael chiklis? The commish. No, that was my imitation of America. Who the hell is Michael chiklis?

Artie · Paula:So we don't have him? We don't have him, but I thought since you were friends with him, you could ask him.

Susan · Artie:Melissa gilbert. Yahoo.

Artie:Or, as I call him, the knish.

Artie · Susan:Yes, but I wish he was alive and here and on the show tonight. Yeah. So do I. I'd settle for freddie prinze at this point.

Larry · Artie:I can't imagine why Brian wouldn't come in here and tell us that Hank's coming in. It doesn't sound like him, does it? I know. Wow.

Artie:From what?

Larry · Artie:A huge fucking baby. We're talkin' about, uh, Hank, right?

Artie:Pussy alert! Pussy alert! Susan's here. She's coming on the hot asphalt.

Artie:maybe book David viscott. Viscott! 2 t's.

Artie:A few seconds ago, I saw Meg Ryan's head floating above my credenza.

Beverly · Artie:Well, he said this one is from portugal, so it'll cost you 6,000 extra. / Heh. Iordy, I did some grand humping in portugal. I got a mysterious itch in lisbon.

Artie:I'll go over there and bounce that little fucker out the window. / What? Ha ha. Just kidding. / You know, but I do know a couple of guys who can be helpful... one quick phone call.

Hank · Artie:It's a trellis. It's a trellis. / And this trellis... this is a gorgeous trellis. It's just... just gorgeous. And we stood there. We admired it for quite a while. Then I burned it down.

Larry · Artie:is he making this up as he goes along? He's telling an American story. I thought he was gonna do his hit. I think he's doing his bong hit.

Larry · Artie:So my agent's fucking my booker? Yes. Oh, good to know.

Larry · Artie:Oh, man, this is hilarious, don't you think? Artie? Don't you think this is hilarious? It's terrific. I'm enjoying it.

Artie · Larry:José jimenez was the first hispanic in space. Kids looked up to him. Well, he didn't actually go into space. That was just an act. Well, I believed it.

Paula · Artie:she, uh, got a really bad cold and she can't make it. I see, a cold. Yeah, it's pretty serious.

Paula · Artie:She was skiing in Aspen and she, uh, got a really bad cold / and she can't make it. / I see, a cold. / Yeah, it's pretty serious.

Artie:The weather's so unpredictable this time of year when there's no snow.

Artie:The Butler did it.

Brett · Artie:How do you come up with that stuff? Oh, my gifts are many and best not discussed.

Artie:Oh, Bretty, you'll dream tonight.

Artie:Just tell yourself that everything they write about you is true. That way it won't bother you.

Artie:I've always loved women with a touch of sappho.

Artie:We have k.d. lang on the show all the time. Although, the last time, Hank kept calling her 'sir.' That asshole.

Artie:Just because you done it once doesn't make you a dyke.

Artie:I found a lump on one of my testicles... I made Elke Sommer cry in the middle of a dance rehearsal.

Artie:Because he was thinking about my left nut.

Artie:That's the show I fucked up because of my titty.

Artie · Unknown:Where in goddamn hell is the fire?! You scared the shit out of me! It's just the incense.

Larry · Artie:Oh, some dyke thing, I guess. Well, it appears I owe you $100.

Artie:May I tell you how much I love your tostito commercials?

Hank · Larry · Artie:He was a paper boy. Right. That didn't last very long, did it? Well, you know, it was on fox.

Artie:I don't want to hear about your fucking fan club. Now get out of here. I'm misting.

Hank · Artie:I hope I look that good when I'm 100. Looks like he's rotting from the inside.

Hank · Artie:How come I'm never invited to those? Because, Hank, the circle is just so big, and you and I ain't in it.

Larry · Artie:The key to producing is getting out of the way of the creative process. Oh, let me write that down. 'Get in the way of...' out. Get out of the way.

Larry · Artie:'Ello. 'ello, old chap. 'ello. That is funny! London it is!

Artie · Larry:I don't know. He fell down the stairs and broke his hip, and he's on his way back to arkansas. Well, what was he doing on the stairs, Artie? Falling, apparently.

Artie:There's a moat... a canal that goes around the castle to protect it. In this case, the castle is our show, and the moat is between the staff and the talent.

Artie:when the drawbridge goes up every night at 11:30, there's only one man in the castle... that's king Larry.

Larry · Artie:Jesus, can't you just say you don't like the idea without giving me all that other crap? I hate the fucking idea, OK? Because they'd be crossing the talent moat.

Artie:You know, there's a reason they sell day-old bread at half price.

Larry · Artie:The monologue seem a little weak to you tonight? That's because instead of writing, Phil spent all day reading uta hagen's respect for acting.

Larry · Artie:Would you stop worrying? We crossed the talent creek, and I don't think there's been a problem. It's the talent moat, and it goes around the castle...

Larry · Artie:Usually, he's sitting in that prop room sniffing those magic markers. Yes. Now he's running around half-naked. What an improvement.

Artie:OK, look, we've veered off course, now we've come about. The wind is in our sails.

Artie:Evidently, Bob barker has no remaining sense of smell.

Artie:No. It's very difficult to find someone who can make a salami telescope that looks functional and that doesn't stink.

Artie:Tasmanian two tufted canary has a lovely bel canto. ♪br-r-r-r-r ♪ ♪r-r-roo-roo ♪

Hank · Artie:It's all connections. That's how your... your son got the job. Good-looking boy.

Artie:I'm having a stroke.

Artie:Well, I see that talent runs like a cancer through the Kingsley household.

Artie:otherwise elly may will be cutting up your fruit and telling you how loverly the show was last night.

Artie:Listen, not only is it ugly, it's a fire hazard. If Larry turned this on, he'd go up in flames.

Artie:Oh, hell, cut the crap. That's not your sister. I saw you dry-humping under the bleachers.

Artie:Fucked by the black man again?

Artie:Fucked by the black man again?

Artie:I'd do it, Hank, but I made plans to put all my cash in a bag and toss it over a cliff

Artie:We should just hire a fucking woodpecker for a sidekick

Artie:Phil, scurry back to your hutch and cogitate a little more, my boy

Artie:If we do this desk piece, the audience will rush the stage and burn down the desk

Artie:Don't tell us! Tell the career suicide hotline! Bye-bye!

Artie:Comes the waterworks. I'm outta here.

Artie:You are very close to sexual harassment.

Artie · Phil:Oh, damn it, Phil, how many times do I have to tell you, the shrimp are for guests?

Artie:Fat-free snackwells in the kitchenette. Get away from those shrimp, damn it, you bottomless pit.

Hank · Artie:Don't expect anything from me during the kd lang segment tonight. I don't. I never do.

Hank · Artie:She did nothing, so I told her to go fuck herself. Well, so far, there's no surprise there.

Larry · Artie:And that, by the way, is a milestone we never reached with any of our wives.

Artie:What about the monkey grabbing your nuts? That's a classy one.

Artie:So I'm to assume Mandy patinkin is only on tonight so you can get good seats for the next sondheim fuck fest at the Hollywood bowl?

Larry · Artie:I'm getting seats right behind home plate. Get a foul tip.

Larry · Artie:You're expecting a lull? Lull? Who said lull? I said Phil. Phil!

Artie:Lorenzo is the stupidest driver in history. He's supposed to pick up rosie o'Donnell. He picks up Chris o'Donnell and takes him to the rose bowl.

Rosie · Artie:Oh, yeah? Well, you could try. Still more. I'll kill myself and all others like me. Perfect.

Artie:Noah... noah, you're acting like a fucking 2-year-old.

Artie:Oh, Jesus, he's doing the potty dance. Get a clamp.

Fred · Artie:Johnny wanted me to tell you how much he enjoys your show. Don't you need to drain your lizard?

Hank · Artie:I thought the guest host was a big surprise. Did you know sandra was going to host the show? No. Surprise. She's hosted the show 11 times already. Well, surprise. She's going to do it again.

Artie:Yeah, Hank. Maybe you could show her your video where you're supporting one woman's rights while another woman is blowing you.

Artie:She's a nurse on ER.

Artie:Let me guess. Are you pissed because you didn't get to host again?

Artie:I'll have Paula give you the phone number of my buddy oliver stone.

Artie:Well, that depends on what day of the week it is. I believe on Monday it's Manhattan clam chowder.

Artie:I think it's learned how to read.

Artie:I hope you don't ask Everyone you meet Which way My peter teeters.

Larry · Artie:Do you know what I'm talking about? Huh?

Artie · Jon Stewart:The incomparable Charles nelson reilly. Again?

Artie:Oh, Larry, Your girlfriend's On the phone. You better hurry. He's in a good mood Today.

Artie:You know, you talk To people on television, Next thing, They think that you're Their new best friend.

Artie:Concern and support makes Larry think something's wrong, so let's just act like nothing's happened.

Artie · Phil:Those are the last 2 words I want to hear out of your mouth.

Artie:What did I just tell you?

Artie:Well, you, uh... you sit next to someone for 8 years, and you, uh... you think you know them, but, uh, you don't.

Artie:Another indication it's Phil.

Artie:Larry, she just had a baby.

Artie:This is more along the lines of a preemptive strike.

Artie:Why don't you just lie down there, I'll get you a cold cloth, you poor bastard.

Artie:They run this town. They run it a hell of a lot better than the Asians.

Artie:Morality's just gonna get in the way.

Artie:And I don't want you to fuck that up.

Artie:Larry's a talk show host.

Artie:Well, Phil, I can't believe you're a comedy writer, but we have to take them both on faith.

Artie:Please don't have sex with Hank before the show. It makes his blood sugar drop.

Artie:When I was 12, I got baptized, and I didn't shut up about it until a year later when I got laid.

Artie:I talk to the man upstairs on my own time and not in the middle of 'Larry's Funny Photos.'

Artie:They just get a little-- [mimics shock] Little butt hummer.

Artie:Uncle Miltie never wore a yarmulke on his show and neither did Jack Benny.

Artie:Be careful, she's a hot box here.

Artie:Maybe he's referring to the orange juice you endorse.

Artie:That's what the Olsen twins say.

Artie:I thought it was Phil.

Larry · Artie:No, you didn't. You already booked reservations at my favorite restaurant. You're surprising me with a cake-- Chocolate hazelnut.

Artie:That lady is a lightning rod of sexual controversy. I smell ratings.

Artie:Well, listen, I believe I know more about homosexuality than you two. After all, I'm the one with the gay assistant.

Artie:And that's--that's why I know she's a doughnut humper. Bumper. That's why I know she's a doughnut bumper.

Larry · Artie:What if she's not a lesbian? Did you guys ever think of that? Oh, man. I--she's a lesbian, I can tell. I've had sex with a lesbian.

Artie:You gotta have sex with 2 lesbians. That's the whole point.

Artie:Oh, good welding school. / A lot of arrogant welders there.

Artie:Good job, Phil.

Larry · Artie:Did I do something wrong? Yes.

Artie:Oh, yes. Yes, I watch everything on this magic box.

Artie:One of the great moments in television. Talk show, here we come.

Artie:You oughta keep that away from your crotch, or you'll end up on the dickless wonder list.

Artie:You oughta keep that away from your crotch, or you'll end up on the dickless wonder list.

Artie:Maybe you should take your pants off and blow yourself.

Artie · Beverly:What, is that, like, a gay thing? / No, this is a gay thing.

Artie:We don't have fucking time for this. 4, 5, 6... okay. Just fucking bump him.

Artie:Oh, get a dick, will you?

Artie:Boy, how did you survive? This looks like hunter Thompson's pad in the sixties.

Artie:Only you could make these goddamn sprinklers go off on some of the finest cigars in the world!

Artie:Why did you give young pipsqueak yonder a fine cojiba?

Artie:If you're gonna sit around all day with your thumb up your ass, sooner or later that will impact the show.

Artie:Mary Lou, that's the reason people in Hollywood have kids.

Artie:Well, we had a lot of hot sex, but we never left the house.

Artie:She's like a siren calling for me to smash my nuts upon the rocks.

Artie:Tomorrow let's switch to beer.

Artie:You know who's really good in this one? David Schwimmer. He's hilarious in this one.

Artie:Oh, boy, he's just like Marcel Marceau.

Artie:Not on TV.

Artie:If Dressed to Kill were on right now, you'd be humping the set crying out 'Mama mia!'

Artie:We were on vacation, for Christ's sake. You know, it started out good, but then she wanted to talk about my peccadilloes. My mood swings, my temper, my stubbornness. My obsession with Glenlivet.

Artie · Larry:What time's your flight? 9:30. I'll be back on Monday. I swear. Thanks, buddy.

Hank · Artie:I don't know anyone who has an American car anymore. What do you mean? I drive an American car.

Artie:It's a hell of a lot better than these rice burners and strudel wagons the rest of these assholes in Hollywood drive.

Artie:Well, what about little Miguelito from Peru? You know, the kid that you adopted through Sally Struthers? All his letters pile up like goddamned junk mail.

Artie:Showfolk belong with showfolk, Hank. If you're not careful, you're gonna mess this kid up and his mom.

Artie:Mama Lucia. Fabuloosa caboosa. Great ass, too.

Artie:Listen, you gotta be very careful when you accuse a friend of stealing money because many years ago, I was in New York with Lenny Bruce, and, uh, he accused me of taking 50 bucks from him, and it turned very ugly and I popped him.

Larry · Artie:You know, you've told me this story before, and, uh, you took the money. That may be, but I'm just trying to warn you.

Artie:That bird was supposed to shit on Larry's hand.

Artie:Come on. Reba McEntire doesn't need to do 2 songs. Some guy left her, and she's broke. Big fucking deal. We got it the first time.

Larry · Artie:Something seems... Reba... she was anxious to get on the road. There was a big turquoise and silver fair in Santa Fe tomorrow.

Larry · Artie:Something seems... Reba... she was anxious to get on the road. There was a big turquoise and silver fair in Santa Fe tomorrow.

Artie:You know, I've seen kids with Michael Jackson less nervous.

Artie:Just remember, this show is not about you getting laid. It's about Larry getting laid.

Artie:You betcha. You're fucking fascinating.

Artie:Writing a book is something you save for just right before you die when all you got to do is watch the Sunset.

Artie:Well, now, how the Christ would I know?

Artie:The time you slipped and chipped your tooth on the urinal?

Artie:I suggest you lock the door.

Artie:'I said to Jack lord, 'do you have hemorrhoids? ' He said, 'no.'I said... 'at last, I've met a perfect asshole.'"

Artie:Just grab him, tackle him, whatever, and then hit the fire alarm, OK?

Artie:The freshwater eel has your name on it.

Artie:When I find Phil, I will introduce his ass to my good friend Mr. Florsheim.

Artie:Yeah, the pussy cult. Whenever I'm getting pussy, I'm not funny.

Artie:Well, you're never funny.

Hank · Artie:The music stopped! The music stopped! What music?

Artie:But if they get a prize when they have it, why would anybody throw it away?

Artie:You know Larry only does the jerk-off jokes that he writes.

Artie:You're wearing my favorite cologne... 'hilarity by Larry Sanders'

Artie:I said it's fine. ...and, by the way, I'm a dead man for telling you...

Artie · Paula:and in 6 months, I replaced him. You don't have to worry about that. Ha! That's exactly what I said to Bob Sterling.

Artie:pain equals funny.

Phil · Artie:You've never thanked me before. Well, the jokes were never that good before.

Artie:Artie walking out during the lighting discussion

Artie:Damn it, it was excellent. Except for your tie.

Artie:You shouldn't wear stripes, Sonny. They strobe and make your face look puffy.

Artie · Larry:I also got 5 porno channels. I'll have a beer.

Artie:but what I didn't tell you is he was an absolute asshole.

Artie:That's what I was when Larry first saw me.

Artie · Larry:She said you're a really sweet guy. Oh, she's sweet, too.

Artie:I thought I smelled a publicity man on the premises.

Artie:I remember the night they did Totie Fields. I think I heard every one-legged joke there ever was that night.

Artie:Get off the stage, ya fucking moron! I've taken shits more interesting than you are! You're nothin' but Larry Sanders' personal fuck-bitch!

Artie:Good comeback.

Artie:Very simply, he's the guy we had to take to get Jerry fucking Seinfeld.

Artie:The bastard cancelled an hour ago.

Larry · Artie:The key lime pie is delicious. This is the worst fucking night of my life. And that was chocolate cake.

Artie:You'll either behave yourself, or I'm gonna snap your neck like a butter bean.

Artie · Larry · Artie:No, I mean He stopped drinking Because he fell Into lake michigan and drowned. Oh, god. Which of The 12 steps is that? The last one.

Artie:That would be Her brain, Hank, An organ that you may not Be familiar with.

Artie:Larry and I are very, Very close. Larry. You understand? That's a comfort That comes From years and years Of working together.

Alex · Artie:I was giving him My masseuse's phone number 'Cause he's having some Trouble with his neck. How sweet.

Artie:Slap on Your shelled bra, Little mermaid. You're back in business.

Artie:Network rums: jon stewart To replace Sanders.

Artie:Don't speak or you're fish Will get very cold.

Artie:You don't have to run. What if you just walk Through the audience? You walk. It doesn't Have to look like A fucking telethon.

Larry · Artie:It's like A shooting gallery. Well, i'll just run home And bring back My 7 mil. Remington mag.

Artie:You're all fucking crazy.

Artie · Larry:How goes The head doctor? / What's not to like? I got a lollipop, And he shaved me Before the exam.

Artie:First of all, There should be A law on the book That prevents Network people From using The word 'creative' In their job titles. They see it On their stationery And they start Believing it.

Artie · Larry:What canyon Comes off melrose? / Bullshit canyon, That's what.

Artie:That's the trouble With hollywood, Larry. Everyone's got two pricks And three assholes. It's a genitalia Horn of plenty.

Larry · Artie:Why does the handwriting Of most of my fan mail Match the handwriting Of the unabomber? / 'Dear sir, your show Is technically crippling. What's left of humanity? Love, ted k.' / This must be for Hank.

Artie:Let's all join The fucking circus.

Artie:This desk is the most Lasting relationship That Larry's ever had. He's married To this desk. It's there for him Every night, And it allows him To come in from the rear.

Kenny · Artie:The guy From men at work? / [Sighs] You're killing us. / That's 3 guys. Where's the sex?

Artie:We'll have our bookers Scour sunset after midnight, And the first celeb We find getting blown By a hooker, Consider him booked. Or her.

Artie:I thought we sprayed For roaches last week.

Artie:We're on the top floor. Someone on The fucking roof?

Artie:I remember you Tooting up behind a tree, Using your cell phone.

Artie · Kenny:What the fuck Was that? / Shit, I swear I had No idea about this. / Shit! Fuck! Fuck!

Artie:When I said Put your foot down, I think you Misunderstood me.

Artie:If you want to sit there and stare like a moron and breathe though your mouth, you can go sit in jenny jones' audience.

Artie:You better climb back on board and towel off, because we're gonna finish the show in a blaze of glory.

Artie · Brian:Just like when you hit on Michael landon's wife. He was dead. That woman was sitting shivah.

Artie · Brian:You put your tongue in her mouth. I lost my balance. I was falling over, and I stuck my tongue out to break my fall.

Artie:Pure comedy Gold. Melt it, mint it, and ship it to fort knox.

Artie:Pussy-whipped. Flying right back to St. Louis.

Artie:You hear that sound, phil? I believe that's The needle breaking On the bullshit-o-meter.

Unknown character · Artie:Did you say 'frigging'? I'm trying to cut down On my cuss words. Mother call? Yeah. Yeah. She says hello.

Artie:Of 'my shoe in your rectumitis.'

Artie:Oh, man, this is a bic. I'm talking about A rare black pen.

Artie:[Artie crying after learning about the lost pen]

Artie:Take your dick Out of your ear, You little troll.

Artie:Christ is king.

Artie:From the guy That gives out $10,000 pens? Who does that?

Artie:I thought I smelled hype in the air.

Artie:How 'bout in the living room on the couch? You know, 'Larry in the living room on the couch.'

Artie:The pecker hasn't even shown up yet.

Kenny · Artie:Well, we think they might be a little too... urban. Urban? Well, I can call my good friend lenny kravitz. He's only half-urban.

Artie:Well, I don't wanna piss out your comedy campfire here, but we have a minor problem.

Artie · Jon Stewart:Jon, have you ever started dating a woman, treated her very gently, took her to fine restaurants, opened doors for her, charmed her parents? And you gave her some hugs, but you didn't even attempt to kiss her for a long time? Then, one day, in your car, in broad daylight, suddenly, she jumps on you and starts giving you a blow job. Right. The network wants you to bump Wu-tang clan.

Artie:they want you to build up a broad base of fan support before you start scaring the shit out of the midwest.

Artie:the home-schooled heartthrobs known as hanson, the 1995 country music's best new artist 'achy breaky' Billy Ray cyrus, and the reunited, reinvigorated, rehabilitated, three dog night.

Artie:Until 10 seconds ago, I was blissfully unaware that such a hitler sketch existed.

Artie:You leave me out there with my pants around my ankles, vaseline on my ass, I don't know what the fuck happened.

Artie · Jon Stewart:So is Jesus, and we all know where he ended up. Yeah, on the wb.

Artie:I believe tonight will be a best of Larry.

Artie:lady luck just gave me a blow job.

Larry · Artie:What the fuck was that about? / Larry, she's pregnant.

Larry · Artie:Well, why didn't, um... she tell me? / Well, we thought she should, but she didn't, 'cause, you know, she didn't want to hurt your feelings. You know how close you two are.

Larry · Artie:I think I put that guy in his place. / Who, Michael? / Yeah. / Well, I'm glad you feel good about it, because it turns out that it's la salle.

Artie:We should send bolton some flowers.

Artie:He said, 'is there a man in your life with a 'd' and an 'a' and a 'd?' I said, 'yeah, that's my dad.'

Artie:On most nights, you'd be batting 1,000.

Artie:Is there also an 'h,' and an 'r,' char?

Artie · Hank:Good for you. You gotta set an example. No. I mean, he killed himself.

Larry Sanders · Artie:I thought his wife was dead. Sid. No. I guess he liked to tell people that.

Artie:Anyway we're off the air in 2 fucking weeks.

Wendy · Artie:You mean Larry? Oh, ha! You see? You're gonna kill 'em.

Artie:In this business, shows come and go. And friendships, well... they come and go, too, but as long as you kill, everybody's happy.

Larry · Artie:She's a good guest, right? / Absolutely. / Really? / Absolutely. / Please, don't ask me again. / She's a good guest, right?

Artie:Well, there's no dead spots, that's for sure.

Hank · Artie:Oh, yeah, I hear he's gay! / Fuck you.

Artie:It's thicker than Heidi fleiss' phone book.

Artie:Well, I suggest you try to get to the good jokes without going through Brian's ass.

Phil · Artie · Beverly:That's my joke. / He's a fucking asshole. / Absolutely.

Artie · Phil · Artie:You know who runs this town? / The jews. / No. The gay jews.

Artie · Larry:Hitting new levels of self-loathing, Larry. / Cheers, motherfucker.

Artie:Looks like they settled out of court.

Artie · Larry:Oh, by the way, Drew Barrymore's lawyer just called me. / What's that about?

Artie · Larry:Oh, by the way, Drew Barrymore's lawyer just called me. / What's that about?

Larry · Artie:Think she'll cry? Well, I didn't go so far as to make the request, but that call can be made

Artie:You don't have to worry about the homoerotic underpinnings. He's a country music singer

Artie · Larry:Well, that's iffy because we never let him plug Ace Ventura. Come on, everyone thought he was too broad

Norman · Artie:Hey, I think that's Warren Beatty in the parking lot. He must still be putting the finishing touches on Bulworth. That's already out. Well, the man is never satisfied

Artie · Larry · Norman:We believe that David's in love with Larry... He's married. So was Rock Hudson, ok? Oh, it wasn't real. It was arranged by the studios

Artie:He slipped on some ice making his new movie. The whole thing was all on ice or something. I don't know

Artie:Larry's a thing of the past. The guy's the 8-track. He's a fucking horse and buggy, that guy. This is Darwinism

Larry · Jon · Artie:Did Stevie Grant tell you that he was signing me beforehand? No. No, he didn't. I didn't know that. Well-- Well, well, hello, Jon

Artie:Faces from the past. They always show up for a wrapped gift

Beverly · Artie:Got another job. Oh, great. Tell me. It sucks.

Artie:Artie's new job description: asking 'fucking eggheads' about the Monroe Doctrine

Phil · Artie:Phil considering Hank's $300/week job with no benefits

Artie:Artie's observation about the desk position: 'If you had done it that way, we'd probably still be on the air'

Artie:Oh, that's just a consulting gig, you know. That doesn't count.

Artie:Rosie wants to come back nice this time, so she wants to have me come around one day a week to scare the shit out of her staff.