Hank Kingsley

Hank:And now, because only he brings out the natural luster of the wood... Larry Sanders!

Hank · Larry:- I liked it very much. - Well, you're mistaken.

Hank · Larry:You could see her thigh between that short skirt and the boots? - I still see it.

Hank · Larry:Permission to speak freely? - Permission granted.

Hank:That one Green Giant spot has really been a monkey on my back.

Larry · Hank:I was tying my shoes this morning... I walked into the door, bumped my head. - Whatever. - No, that's what really happened. - All right, a woman hit me.

Hank:America. Everything she stands for.

Hank · Larry:This Garden Weasel does the work of ten men and a boy. - How many boys, Hank? - One small boy.

Hank:And now, because it's an F.A.A. Regulation... your flight attendant, Karen Jackson.

Beverly · Hank:Do you want me to make Spade fall in love with me, then hurt him? He can.

Hank · Larry:My pal Ray Combs hosts Family Feud, he's getting her on his show for me. Is that right? Yeah. Great. Her and her family? No, just her.

Hank:Sometimes when they have a family with just four people... they slap on a fifth person and make them a cousin or whatever. They do that? Hush-hush.

Larry · Hank:Can't you hear my voice that I'm saying no to you? Please? I'm saying no. We're such good friends, and you can't hear that I'm saying no to you?

Hank:You're a married woman, but don't tempt me.

Hank:When they respect you too much, there's... there's a distance.

Hank · Larry:Knock, knock. Who's there? What do you mean? You said, 'Knock, knock.' No, I was just... I was just saying that.

Hank:How do you think Merv felt?

Hank:No, no, no, I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Hank:And now, because we've tried it with just the desk... and it really isn't the same... Larry Sanders!

Hank:build like this big Santa Fe style Spanish adobe house there. Then you'll be jealous because you can't live there, right?

Hank:They're just the deadliest spider known to man.

Hank:Watch your step. I mean careerwise.

Hank:Yes, it is. The fastest light in the West. Fire 'em up, partner.

Hank:Stunts are Larry's territory. Hank Kingsley shalt not trespass.

Hank:Not that I've made a stink about it, because I am not... a squeaky wheel, you know that.

Hank:The hat?

Hank:My God... you're a good man.

Hank:You know, make it more my style.

Hank:Oh, no, the spider guy said it's a mild allergic reaction. It should run its course in about a week's time... and it's hardly noticeable.

Hank:And now, because he's already been paid, so we might as well use him... Larry Sanders!

Hank:Hank the Rapper

Hank:What the fuck does Dana Carvey know about doing this show?

Hank:He does funny voices. That's what he does. "I'm going to give you a pump up."

Hank:I outgrew that horseshit in high school

Hank:That's very interesting, Marty, but can you do this with your card?

Hank:My next guest is a good friend and a great talent. Come on, put your hands together and give a big welcome for Phil... the writer.

Hank:Oh, yeah. We sent a videotape, but nonetheless...

Hank:before that I was a cruise director... so, all told, that gives me 12 years experience getting people to interact.

Hank:listening.

Hank:Does that help you at all? Or should I just go fuck myself?

Hank:you just give me a glance, I'm gonna jump right in... because that's how I carry half the show.

Dana · Hank:I'm in trouble. - I got you. Hey, now.

Hank:That snotty little shit. He's not even gonna do the glance. I'll bet he's like that twit, Leno.

Hank:I'm gonna leave him standing there with his tallywhacker right in his hand.

Hank:You know, come on, anyone can do a monologue. Byron Allen does a monologue.

Hank · Dana:Heard the good news. Congratulations. - Thanks, yeah. - That is great. I was gonna tell you in the hallway earlier, but I didn't get a chance.

Hank:Horseshit. Not once in six years did he ever invite me up on the stage. Horseshit.

Hank:¿Cómo se dice "horseshit"?

Hank:my show is being taken over by a guy who looks and sounds like Vanessa Redgrave

Hank:Oh, my God, we've been canceled.

Hank:Is Artie dead? Go ahead. Go ahead. I can take it.

Hank:That's an insult. I'm not acting dumb. I don't know what memo.

Hank:Did Artie die?

Hank:Phone the agent. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

Hank:He fired me from that QE2 Fourth of July special.

Hank:Call me an ambulance.

Hank:Do you think I skew to an older demographic?

Hank:All I know is always use the small fork first.

Hank:I'm a Capricorn.

Hank:I can tell you that that has never stopped him before.

Hank:Oprah's actually a small, white Jewish man. But don't tell anybody.

Hank:That's your philtrum. I know, 'cause it's very hard to cover up.

Hank:Usually you take the keys by the third try.

Hank · Larry:Kenny Stabler? He played football. Basketball. I didn't have any spare footballs around when he was on the show... so it's the closest kind of ball I could find.

Hank:If someone invented a camera that could take, you know, snapshots of our feelings... I would take a picture of this moment and keep it in the wallet of my heart forever.

Barbara · Hank:That number you gave me was to some dry cleaner's in Torrance. Yeah, the area code got changed. Bullshit. I am not your whore.

Hank:People see you in enough of those lawn furniture spots... they tend to fantasize about you.

Hank:She was half theJudds. Now there's just one of them, so she's a... she is a Judd. She is a singleJudd!

Hank · Larry:What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the fuck is so comical about that? It was a back tooth, Hank. I don't know how you did it.

Hank · Larry:That was the speaker phone. Nice try.

Hank · Larry:When you let one go, boy. Hello. That was the speaker phone. Nice try.

Hank:I'm tired of being your personal village idiot.

Hank:Hey, you untalented, overpriced sidekick... you're just another piece of meat to us... so why don't you take what we gave you last year and be happy with that... you worthless piece of shit?

Hank:There's no Cavett. You hear me? Zip on Cavett. I'm bluffing.

Hank:I had to pay for it myself, so don't tell anybody, okay?

Hank · Larry:You got a very different way of showing your love, don't you? I've seen men be burned in dark interiors.

Hank · Larry:Everybody but you, of course. / Shut up.

Hank · Artie:All I could see was Mr. Heston's rug and a bit of the back of Larry's jacket. / That's a tragedy.

Hank:It's October... and we all know what that means.

Hank:If Princess Di were here... I'd tell her, 'Hang in there.'

Hank:I'd kill for a Dreamsicle right now.

Hank:Maybe it's me, but I think Sharon Gless should be on TV every night.

Hank:I sure do miss the Cowsills. That miniskirted mom sure was sexy.

Hank:I am telling you, nothing beats that missionary position.

Hank:I am telling you, nothing beats that missionary position.

Hank:Or does that say 'applesauce'?

Hank:Chicago gets my attention 'cause I like that city and it has a very distinctive-sounding name. I did Second City in Chicago, too, so I have fond memories. I did Second City mostly in Toronto, but I also... Chicago reminds me of Toronto.

Hank:I did Second City in Chicago, too, so I have fond memories. I did Second City mostly in Toronto, but I also...

Larry · Hank:Isn't this a good crowd? - A beautiful crowd. - Isn't this a good crowd? - A beautiful crowd.

Hank:Yeah, well, you said it twice there.

Hank:Sure, he ignores you, but nothing in life is free.

Hank:One time they were doing it, he slipped up and called her 'Emmy.'

Hank:Six weeks is her longest relationship... except when she went on tour with Oingo Boingo. I think that was eight weeks.

Hank:Hey now! Well, I accept. I am... I'm very honored... and I would never miss a Larry Sanders event.

Hank:You tell her it's a big Larry Sanders shindig... a real time-of-your-life blowout. You tell her everybody's gonna be there.

Darlene · Hank:I wasn't invited. Hey. Hank'll make it right.

Hank:I wrote some party jokes for you to use throughout the night.

Hank · Larry:The thing is, see, our coats? Yeah? They're in the bedroom... and, well, the bedroom door is locked.

Hank:I never put my keys in the bedroom, in case someone gets in a sleepy mood.

Hank:And now, because I am daffy about this guy and I don't care who knows it...

Hank · Larry:cuckoo about the guy. You should get some help.

Hank:Does this hat make my ass look fat, by the way?

Hank · Larry · Artie:that obnoxious turd who does that "Hey, Vern" character. - Oh, that's Ernest. - He's funny.

Hank:Would you call beating a man half to death... because he ran out of nondairy creamer abusive? Of course, after you beat a man like that, you know what the next step is. Larry had to make him his bitch.

Hank · Darlene:Not buy. Not buy. Forget the food. All we need are the wrappers. Why don't I just go outside and climb into the Dumpster?

Hank:I would never ask you to do that. I'm mean... Hey. You've got your dignity, babe. Remember that.

Hank:So let's put these Chicken In A Minute wrappers... from the food that we enjoyed earlier... in the trash, right where it belongs.

Hank:That's Cindy Remington, a junior at USC majoring in telecommunications... and I believe she loves horses.

Hank:Indeed I am

Hank:Hey now

Hank:Hey now

Hank:Hey now

Hank:I'd like to fuck her

Hank · Darlene:Well, that's the biggest one in the country. No, that's the national one.

Hank:Hey now

Hank:I never put them together till later in life. So in that sense, it's part of my personality

Hank:You do this, that isn't the same affectation? That isn't the same as my 'hey now'?

Hank:Uh, hey now, that was real funny

Hank:Hey now!

Hank:Why don't you shove it up your ass? Or do you already do that commercial?

Hank:Philipe Xavier Kingsley

Hank:He can never stop... licking himself.

Hank:And I'm thinking, maybe I ought to get a dog costume

Larry · Hank:You saved my ass. And I did it without saying 'hey now.'

Hank:And I did it without saying 'hey now.'

Hank:You could go with me on those other jobs. They would love to have you there.

Hank:That's okay. I've turned into a moron

Larry · Hank:I've turned into an asshole last couple of years. That's okay. I've turned into a moron.

Hank:That sign says 'Applesauce.' No, no, no. I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Hank:I thought you were talking about the Emmy nominations. Oh, screw her! She was always trying to drive a wedge between Larry and me.

Hank:We'd hit the bar at the Bel Air hotel, work a little skirt.

Larry · Hank:What kind of bit? Two guys with patches on. Take it off.

Hank:Uh, she's almost housebroken.

Larry · Hank:It says, 'Have fun in Vegas.' I'm not going to Vegas. Yes, you are.

Hank:I've seen men try to lose themselves in their work like this before-- Redd Foxx and Dick Shawn and Regis Philbin. Capisce?

Hank · Larry:But the best cure for stress is... Blow jobs. Bingo.

Larry · Hank:Bob Stevens. Who's Bob Stevens? Bob Stevens is an ordinary, everyday guy.

Larry · Hank:Bob, I guess you're pretty sold on this product. Aren't you, Bob? Bob? Hank? Yeah.

Hank:I first met Larry in the spring of 1985. My cruise liner was moored off the coast of portugal. Amen.

Hank · Larry:Before you know it, your head turns sideways, you're coughing. I'm just gonna go fuck myself.

Hank · Larry:Stress kills, you know? And-- and we all know, the best relief in the world for stress is-- Don't say it, Hank. Blowjobs.

Hank:This is 8 ball in the corner pocket. This is game over. All we need are our cue sticks, it sounds like to me. Hey, now. You bring the chalk.

Larry · Hank:You know, I've been known to have wild palms myself. [Hank] Hey, now. Don't worry, they're not hairy.

Hank:This show is the most highly advanced video dating service in the world.

Hank:Jeannie pulled up lame, and that crazy filly Francine should have been shot in the infield.

Hank · Larry:I mean, she's A pain in the ass. Isn't she? Yeah. Actresses. I mean, they're all Pains in the ass, You know. Aren't they?

Hank:And bree has actually had some community college.

Hank:Well, actually, it's not a club, it's a hotel. But we could have a night there.

Hank:Hey, hey, isn't that Susan Anton? ... No, that's exactly her look. Susan.

Larry · Hank:Who's that? It's a woman. Yecch.

Hank:My place in malibu, Just you and me-- No chiquitas, A few glasses of port, Some fine cubanos, Maybe, I don't know, A couple of porno tapes.

Larry · Hank:How about a ball game? You wanna do that? Hey, I'm there! Good. Ok, ok, good. Uh, baseball? Yeah. You, me, Artie.

Larry · Francine · Hank:This is my first wife Francine. You probably Don't recall 'Cause it's been Quite a while. Hi, Hank. I'm sorry, Francine. You didn't Recognize me, That's ok.

Hank:Big mistake. Big, big mistake.

Hank:When you eat at Hank's, you and your food... are going... on an adventure.

Hank:So I'd like you to take your opinion and shove it right up your ass. Regards, Hank Kingsley. Fax that back to him.

Hank:Get Chuck Woolery on the phone.

Hank:Those guys don't know jack shit.

Larry · Hank:Hank, you hang out with ed. Yes. [Laughter]

Hank:He is on crack. [Laughter] But, um... Kids... Just say no.

Hank:No more jokes, Larry.

Larry · Hank:Good job. Good job to you. Good job, Larry. Good job yourself. Good job.

Hank:You guys look like the two-captain-kirk episode from 'star trek.' Right, 'incident on rigel 7.'

Hank · Larry:'Don't endanger the ship, spock. Kill us both.' You're a gifted man.

Hank:You know, maybe one night I could do it on the ship. Not this--

Hank · Look-alike:He's sniffing my jacket, Artie. Just to see what cologne Larry wears.

Hank · Larry:A few minutes. I waited for the right time. Yeah, good choice.

Larry · Hank:A fucking puppet show? What are you do-- Say hello to peace of mind.

Hank · Larry:This is the original handgun fired by jack lord on hawaii five-o. He gave it to me on my birthday. You must be a big fan. No. I've never seen it, but don't tell jack.

Hank:Me, neither. Apparently, you just point and squeeze. That's what they tell me. That's what who tells you? Don't ask.

Hank · Larry:He had no idea who you were? None. My god, I'm sorry.

Hank · Artie:For one of those infomercials. No. Telethon? No, to go on the road.

Hank · Artie:A little soft shoe, you know like Sammy used to do, but with a twist. What's the twist? I'm doing it.

Hank:You need a hard surface, and my place has that wall-to-wall shag.

Hank:Front row center at the El Toro Civic Arena exactly 4 weeks from tonight.

Hank:"Spinning Wheel," but, you know, with a Latin flavor.

Hank:Your tickets will be at 'will call' under Mr. Stevie Grant, super-agent, plus one.

Stevie · Hank:Let's play it by ear, honcho. Ok...Big guy. [Shoes tap]

Larry · Hank:Is it my imagination or are you clicking? Yeah. These are the, uh, tap shoes. Why? For dancing, silly.

Hank:Call Darlene and tell her I need that 5-pound bag of sand onstage. ASAP.

Doc · Hank:Just like Ed McMahon, you have an act. Well, I wear many hats, you know. Now, that's quite an act.

Hank · Beverly:Ok, ok, ok. Now, what's funny about that? Tell Melanie 5:30 instead of 6:00.

Stevie · Hank:Who's Francine? Yeah. See? Tommy, I think-- See, right there, you know?

Hank:I think I'm just gonna sing the 'bwaa.' I mean, you know, make it like a joke. That's funny, huh?

Hank:Do any of you guys have a bassoon in your car or-- A bassoon? Yeah.

Hank:See you Friday, Stevie!

Hank:That sign says, 'Applesauce.' No, no. I'm kidding. It says applause.

Hank:Hey, now.

Hank:everything but the refrigerator door. which you want to stay away from anyway if you're trying to slim down.

Hank:look at that body. look at Hank's. hey, now.

Hank:It's longer than it looks.

Hank:Excellent choice.

Hank:I think we've sold some down there. I'll check.

Hank · Larry:Did she warm up Properly? Did she warm up?

Students · Hank:Don't mind us, Hank. Pretend we're not here. Alone, Goddamn it!

Hank:I knew it. And she is a judas!

Hank:So you get your own show, And I get to have dick.

Hank:And I have to pay For the fact That you're back With that cunt.

Hank:I think it's that new Hay fever medication. I-- i-- I think it has Opium in it.

Hank:Please, have pity. I'm-- I'm drowning.

Hank:Sweet Jesus. It's a house of cards.

Hank:is this, uh... Off the record?

Hank:A guy showed me A thing on paper. It looked good, And he said I just had to Put my name on it, And, uh... I can't find him. I'm so fucked.

Hank:Don't tell Larry How fast I buckled.

Hank · Larry:You remember The guest hypnotist? I think he put some Sort of hex on me. Yeah, that combined with The hay fever medication Would drive--

Hank:I got Something brewing With the, uh, Beretor Electronics people. Cellular phones, Baby.

Hank:This is it, gentlemen. This is fucking it. The seeds of disrespect for Hank Kingsley that have been sown so liberally around here have finally come to bloom.

Hank · Vito:Doesn't the left one look longer? Absolutely. Can we, uh—Can we? Bring it up about a quarter—

Larry · Hank:What the hell is this, Hank? It is unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah. This is what my mom used to say to me. What are the odds of that?

Hank:So it wasn't you, Lar?

Hank:Sure, long enough To say penis, vagina.

Hank:I gotta run, uh, 'cause I have some toast in the toasterette. [Chuckles] Not the toasterette, the kitchenette.

Hank:Absent, detained, not-o here-o.

Hank:Hey, stow that shit, sailor.

Hank · Paula:That's the spirit-- gallows humor. [Paula] It's not a joke.

Paula · Hank:Larry hates your magic tricks. / This isn't magic. This is an illusion.

Larry · Hank:No way... Take off my shoe and look inside.

Larry · Hank · Larry:That's amazing. How'd you do that? / Magic. / Fuck!

Steven · Hank:You do a great job... as a sidekick. / What a nice compliment.

Larry · Larry · Hank · Hank:He was wonderful in City Slickers. / Wonderful. / No, he was not in City Slickers. / You're thinking of someone else.

Larry · Hank:You're what? 28? / 26.

Artie · Hank:I'm afraid our boy Is getting pussy-whipped. Artie, ix-nay On the ussy-whipped-pay. Quite right, Hank. Inexcusable. Forgive me, ladies.

Hank:I don't think those were His real fingers.

Hank:People probably Won't remember Who Oprah winfrey is. Michael jackson Is timeless, you know?

Hank:Like those moments During the commercial When he asks if anything's Hanging from his nose?

Hank:Remember, you can't spell Smart ass without a-s-s.

Hank:The cone of silence Is coming down.

Hank:You're going to see A re-energized Hank Kingsley-- On, with a capital 'o' And a capital 'n.'

Hank · Larry:Recently I was dating a solid gold dancer, and she was... everything to me. / I didn't know solid gold was still on. / It isn't. She was a solid gold dancer in 1979. I'm sorry. It was '80.

Larry · Hank:I didn't know solid gold Was still on. It isn't. She was A solid gold dancer in 1979. I'm sorry. It was '80. Well, still The peak years.

Hank:Sometimes, When kenny g is on, I get a little sleepy.

Artie · Hank:We'll be right in. Hank, would you do me A favor and say... [Whispering]

Hank · Artie:I am very concerned About Larry's lack Of interest in the show. Not now, Hank.

Hank · Larry:Hey, now. Well, now, that sounded like you had Tourette's syndrome. You're right, it was a little too forced, huh?

Hank:I still listen to the I'm Larry, he's Stan album ever couple of months. Really? Well, no. Actually, I lied. My record player broke during the riots.

Hank · Larry:Hey, the old partner meets the new partner. The ex-partner.

Hank · Stan:Larry is going to be an honorary silent partner. You think you can handle it?

Stan · Hank:One what? Uh, table.

Stan · Hank:Hank, that'd be like me asking you to say 'hey, now.' Ok. Hey, now.

Artie · Larry · Hank:And he had a shotgun. He put a shotgun in his mouth and he pulled the trigger. Why would anybody do anything like that? Bullshit! It was his ear.

Hank · Artie:This is a horrible trick. He's talking to him, Hank. Maybe yes, maybe no.

Hank:In my bedroom In a box next to my bed, I have every tape Of every playboy after dark Ever made.

Hank:That would be a hoot to Be invited to one of those.

Hank:After many years Of trying, Hank Kingsley is going To appear in playboy.

Hank · Darlene:Actually, it's not The interview. It's a feature about women Who work in television. But, Hank, You're a man. Right, But you're a woman.

Hank:I-i didn't ask, But I would assume, yeah.

Darlene · Hank:Your dad's Passed away, right? We think so. We're not sure. He left when I was 7.

Hank:We're not talking about hustler or penthouse Or swank or juggs Or screw!

Hank:I'll look like Harvey korman.

Hank:That magazine Was built on ideas Like 'the sidekick's Sidekick,' And it is not A circa 1975 idea. It is money In the bank, frank!

Hank:There was a small grease fire At the site last night. No, no. It's only Going to push us back About, oh, 10 months.

Hank:Those fuckers. Fuckers!

Hank:For a 55-year-old guy, you look a little heavy. Ouch.

Larry · Hank:You sounded almost sincere. Well, you can't fake feelings like that.

Hank:I just fell in love with this beauty, so I treated myself because I deserve it.

Hank:He said, 'Clint, do you know Hank?' And do you know what that simple gesture did? It just made my day.

Hank · Artie:This is $1,100 a bottle. $75 a shot. And this is the last bottle in the western U.S. You're goddamn right it is.

Hank · Larry:Yeah, Artie and I both pitched in on the cognac. No, uh-- So you both pitched in?

Hank · Larry:Uh, yeah, Larry, I hope I made it clear that the cognac is from both Arthur and myself. So you both pitched in? No, uh--

Francine · Hank:Oh, my god. Who threw up? What is that? That's my gift to Larry.

Hank:That sign says 'Applesauce.' No, no, I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Hank:Is anyone buying that accent? I mean, it's Yakov Smirnoff time.

Hank · Artie:What are you grabbing my elbow? / Am I? / Yeah. You grabbed my elbow. Please. Thank you.

Artie · Hank:You're fired. Ha ha ha! / All right. You see, now, that's funny. Let's take a second and examine, why is that funny, exactly?

Hank · Artie:Give me an 'L,' give me an 'A,' give me an 'R,' give me an 'R,' give me a 'Y.' What's that spell? Come on! What's that spell? / Larry. / God damn right, Larry.

Artie · Jake · Hank:Or to use your musical lingo, a couple of half notes. / [Both chuckle] / It's not a problem. I've got an easy schedule. / You see, Larry... 'Schedule.'

Larry · Hank:Commander-in-grief? / Commander-in-grief, because he's giving us so many problems.

Jake · Hank:Birds? / The ladies. / The ladies. I see. Squealing after the number, hmm? / Thanks for switching on the squeal sign.

Hank · Jake:Step on my turf again, and you're going down. You dig? / Chill out. / Yeah, well, I'll chill out when you fucking get out.

Hank:[British accent] Oh, am I? / Yes, you are. / Am I-- am I really? / [American accent] I'm warning you.

Hank · Jake:He's not doing that. He's ordering dinner from the McDonald's on Alameda. / [Sparse laughter] [Drum roll, fanfare] [More laughter]

Jake · Hank:It's, uh, Jake, actually, Hank, in case you forgot. / Jake. Jack Woodward-- we're very fortunate to have him here. We outbid some of the finest high-school marching bands to get him tonight.

Hank:Interesting when those drugs just kick in like that, isn't it?

Hank · Jake:Especially since those charges against having sex with minors has been dropped. It has been dropped, hasn't it? / [Silence]

Hank:Signs over here! That say 'applesauce.' No, they don't. They say 'applause.'

Hank · Artie:I wear this girdle for medical reasons, all right? I am performing with pain. / Christ.

Hank:And you're not, dickface. You are a joke. A joke!

Hank:Take your tea and your crumpets and, uh, queen mum and shove them up your jolly old rectum.

Hank:This equipment belongs to the Larry Sanders show, featuring me, 'hey, now' Hank Kingsley!

Hank:Hank's dramatic prediction: 'Mark my words, children. Somebody is going down. They started with Jerry. They'll do it again.'

Phil · Hank:'We didn't introduce R.E.M. as "rem" last week.' 'Oh, my brave, brave Phil. Always with the jokes and yet so very desperate.'

Hank:'He'll take antidepressants, and everything will be normal.'

Hank · Larry:'Hey, a haircut, huh?' 'No. He's just checking it.' 'That's a great haircut.' 'He's just started.'

Hank · Larry:Could you repeat that last part? Which part? About the people... Was I unclear about-- Clear to me. Perfectly clear.

Larry · Mike · Hank:'Mike, you're new here.' 'I'll let that slide, but--' 'Hank, put your hand down.'

Hank:'Robert Conrad.' 'No. No. Owes me a favor. Pick up the phone. Hello, Bobby.'

Hank:'Raymond Burr, with whom I once had the honor of playing golf.' 'Hello, Perry.'

Larry · Hank:'I apologize for our audience. Let's try and stay open.' '[Hank] Right. Stay open.'

Hank:'I'm not mentioned in either article.' Hank's hurt feelings about being left out of controversy

Hank:You can't hurt me. I'm invincible. I got the shield Of love around me.

Hank:She happens to be Regional sales manager For the sandwich king.

Hank:Larry, we rarely Discuss our feelings, But I love you As much as that girl.

Hank · Francine:I hope margaret and i Can be as happy As you and Francine. That is the most Cynical pile of bullshit That I have ever heard In my entire life.

Larry · Hank:Danny devito? Nicholson. Oh, yeah. I can see that.

Hank · Larry:My god. How could you Possibly know that? You should know by now I can see into your soul.

Hank · Larry:Please, no hookers. All right.

Larry · Hank:We'll work our Way up to wild. All right. [Both] nuts.

Hank:You, sir, Are a sidekick's dream.

Ed McMahon · Hank:Never let 'em See you sweat. You can take that To the bank!

Hank:I don't have Any fucking money. It's all in the restaurant.

Hank:Hey! No one Gets to be happy Except the great Larry Sanders.

Hank:Go fuck yourself.

Artie · Hank:Gavin MacLeod is standing by. / I won't be married by the Love Boat captain.

Artie · Hank:Gavin macleod Is standing by. I won't be married by The love boat captain.

Hank:Watch out, You big buffalo. He doesn't like To be kissed.

Hank · Larry:Are you In your thoughts? No. I'm just Going over The cue cards.

Elizabeth Ashley · Hank:I mean, listen, I think you are a sugar pop, You are just cute as a button, But I need something Up here to grab ahold of. Right. Maybe we could Weld a handle Or something Up there.

Larry · Hank:I thought It was ritter. Uh, no, john ritter Will be batting clean-up. By then the bases Will be loaded.

Gene Siskel · Hank:You're kidding. No. No. You're not kidding. Hank, stephen rea's Character... The woman he falls In love with. That dark-skinned cutie? Mm-hmm. She turns out To be a man. I don't think so.

Gene Siskel · Hank:Hank, there's A shot in the film-- The camera pans Down the body, Right below the waist-- Yes? There's a penis. I don't think so.

Hank:How was she hung?

Hank:Now that sign Says 'applesauce.' No, no. I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Hank:I've been burning the, Uh, bulb at both ends

Hank:That's not the question. What are you gonna Do this weekend?

Hank:You're A guest host, Guest being the, uh, Operative word here.

Hank:They're reddish-brown, And they-- It completely, um-- It clashes with-- Clashes with The banquette.

Hank:You put him in the genuine Article, and he locks

Hank:No friday night, No next night! No friday night, No next night!

Hank:All my celebrity friends-- And they're just sitting In all these booths, And I get to say To them, 'hey. Hey! This one's on me,' To some of them.

Burt Reynolds · Hank:3 times, I heard. I've been divorced 4 times. 4 times? Yeah. Who gives a shit?

Hank:You do.

Burt Reynolds · Hank:Like, uh, smokey and the bandit. That was a-- That was a great idea. And, uh, cannonball run. That was a-- That was a great idea. [Snobby voice] Ooh. Bravo.

Hank:Oh, boy, Another ego trip. Yeah. Give a guy A couple of car chases, And all of a sudden He thinks he's An incredible wit.

Hank:My restaurant, At this moment, Has a very specific odor That is not conducive To the art Of fine dining...

Hank:I don't think Anybody's gonna... Come to The grand opening. [Sobbing]

Hank:Even my own wife Is not coming Because there's, You know, 'Sorry, honey, there's A death in the family,'

Hank:You drink water, Arthur. You drink Through your ass!

Hank:This fucking Electrical engineer! You know! This-- This-- this guy, He-- he comes in, He fills in at The last minute, And i-- I'm supposed to-- I'm supposed to think That this guy Knows fuck-all About anything!

Hank:Oh, shit, If I had a gun! If I had a gun, Artie!

Hank · Artie:Ah, that's ok. It is? Mm-hmm. You sure? 'Cause I could try To go out and buy an 'a.'

Hank:Won't last forever.

Hank:And it's called, uh-- Uh... [Whispering] [Scattered laughter]

Hank:I'm gonna take A long fuckin' walk. [Microphone thuds]

Larry · Hank:Yeah. It's 9:30 a.M. We looked for you All night, Hank. No!

Hank:Make it go back. Make it go back. Turn back the world.

Hank:That sign says, 'applesauce.' No. No. No, I'm kidding. It says, 'applause.'

Hank:and now, because he desperately needs your approval, Larry Sanders!

Hank:It was during The mid-eighties, And I was carrying Some excess weight. And I had a persistent Skin rash, And it was hard for me To get dates.

Hank:And by pesos I don't mean to imply that someone of hispanic descent is likely to win. Again.

Hank:You really pulled the rug out from under me, Larry boy.

Hank:You had it on 'passenger window lock.'

Hank:Is this what you call low profile? Two grown men sitting in a car full of smoke? Looks like a goddamn cheech and chong movie.

Hank:They give me respect.

Hank:Thank the lord, Hank Kingsley's back!

Hank:Hey, I get some on a nightly basis. I'm still excited about mimi rogers.

Larry · Hank:Oh, that would explain the lobster. How's that? Maine. Lobster. I got it. You're working on a bit. I'll play along. Maine lobsters...

Hank · Larry:I once had a woman, and, uh... do we have time for this? I don't think we need to get into the details of this. She followed me across 7 states.

Hank:Her name was Cindy halloran. Cindy halloran from pensacola, thank you very much.

Hank:People are going to think I called her Cindy fuckpot or something. From the philadelphia fuckpots.

Hank · Artie:OK, I happened to say the word cum. So what? In front of Jessica tandy. Oh, that crybaby. She's heard all this shit before.

Hank:Boy, do I have a big surprise for you, Mr. Larry Sanders.

Hank:Young lady, am I to understand you are blackmailing Mr. Sanders?

Larry · Hank:Wonderful, Hank. Are you insane? Yes, I think I'm insane.

Hank:Otherwise, you end up with, what we call in our business a crap column.

Hank:I was, uh, personally abused as a child. No, not sexually. Physically. I was beaten, and I was kicked. You know, that sort of thing. Well, who do you think did it? The other kids, that's who.

Hank:I'm on the one-phay.

Hank:Red wine gives me hives.

Hank:I got a special thing for, uh, asian ladies.

Hank:I got a special thing for, uh, asian ladies.

Hank:Call security. Call security now.

Hank:And now because he needs you more than you need him, larryyyyyy... Sanders!

Larry · Hank:Add to tonight's show a rudder and a sail, and it would have won America's cup. What is wrong with you? I thought it was more like the indy 500.

Hank:No, there was 3 points from outside! Swish! Nothing but net.

Hank · Larry:You realize this is only the second time that you've paid us the honor of a visit. That doesn't seem possible. Is that right? It is, isn't it? Yeah. And I have the photo to prove it... july 12, 1991. I remember.

Hank:I wouldn't know what to do if she left me. I couldn't brush my, uh... my teeth without her... literally.

Larry · Hank:You're having money problems, huh? No. Just some of the numbers don't add up right. I don't need the details. Gimme the figure. 50,000. Damn it.

Hank · Larry:You know... I'd like to do this, but I'm having... it's a little hard for me to swing right now. I'll tell you why. I'm having some plumbing problems down in the, uh... the look around cafe... and, um... just kidding. I don't need any money.

Hank · Jason Alexander:I just kept calling you... Kramer out there. I'm... I'm sorry. No, that's all right. It's an easy mistake. It's just that I love the show so much, and I just keep getting you and your character mixed up. Yeah... ha ha ha. Well, th... that's weird, 'cause I... I play George on the show. Michael Richards plays Kramer.

Larry's Father · Hank:You're his sidekick? Yes, sir. Second banana. You know, I like to think of myself as second in command. Here you go. Like Ed mcmahon. Exactly like Ed mcmahon. That's a pretty sweet deal. Take home a big paycheck just for holding down a couch and selling crap.

Hank:You know, for just a split second there, you reminded me of the old man himself. Henry Joseph Kingsley.

Hank:Your father's a big pain in the ass.

Hank · Paula:Are we ordering lunch? No, Hank. We're not. Oh, because I heard someone mention potatoes, and I... I can have those on my new diet.

Hank:Please do, because I only have the one shake in the morning.

Hank:I'm like a dog that way. I just have a very bad feeling.

Paula · Hank:Because twice today, he said that I was doing a really good job. Oh... I didn't know he said it twice.

Hank:I never had the bad feeling worse than I do right now.

Hank:Now I look like one of those pussies who got under the desk.

Artie · Hank:Hot to trot. OK, I knew it. Breathe.

Hank:Al 'harelip' hartman?

Hank · Artie:And he drinks. / So do I. That's why I like him.

Hank:It's another pleat in your cape.

Hank:You don't wanna be introduced as... superman. Do you?

Hank:Save your Ivy-league double-talk for your chums down at the parliamentary debating society.

Hank:I don't think so.

Hank:Coconut. 2 'k' sounds followed by a nut.

Hank:Mmm, tastes a little like coconut.

Hank · Artie:I'm not supposed to eat in my show clothes. I know. It's just...I get hungry.

Hank:My psychic told me a man in my life was going to be given a great opportunity. I thought she meant my father was going to get a job, but--but this, this is good, too.

Hank · Artie:I can't move my legs. Whoop. Hip.

Hank · Darlene · Artie:I'm doing some creative visualization, and I'm seeing the audience screaming with laughter. I'm seeing the same thing, Darlene. Thank you for explaining the screaming.

Hank:And, uh, I want to eat some fruit. I don't know why... A pineapple.

Hank:Artie, my pal, Shadoe Stevens, he's 2 blocks away. Why don't we call him, have him do the warm-up and the intro? Shadoe is 2 blocks away. Did I say that already?

Hank · Artie:It's just such a wonderful, tremendous vote of confidence. I want to thank you. Hank, believe me, I had no choice. I know. Thank you.

Hank · Sid:My, god. Larry's sick? Yeah. Food poisoning. Didn't anybody tell you? No!

Hank:I guess Artie did, but I was so nervous, and the shock and the excitement, uh...

Hank · Sid:'Even though Larry couldn't be here tonight, I know he's comfortable. I have an american car. The trunk is quite spacious.' Flip it. No, that's it, Hank. What? That's the joke.

Hank:'Even though Larry couldn't be here tonight, I know he's comfortable. I have an american car, and I put him in the trunk, and I kidnapped him.'

Shadoe Stevens · Hank:Kings...Kingsley! Kings-leyyyy! Kind of a flaired-out riff. No. B-flat. Kings-ley! Kings-leyyyyy!

Hank · Artie:I'm just trying to pick out the right tie for the show. What about this one? You think that one? Oh, definitely. Ok. That's the one. You're the boss.

Hank · Artie:And, uh, you know, I ordered some pineapple. Have you seen my pineapple?

Hank:Don't make me do this. Ok? I just can't do this. I'm not... I'm not up to this. Don't make me.

Hank · Artie:What if I suck? Never! Yeah, what if I suck? After all this time, I finally get my chance, and what if I just suck?

Hank · Paula:What are you drinking? Red zinger and gin.

Hank:Now, before we goes... Before we goes on...

Hank:Even though Larry wouldn't be... couldn't be here tonight, I know he's comfortable. I have an american car, and the trunk is quite spacious.

Hank:Tennis star Jennifer Capriati is in the drug rehab. I mean, is this really a surprise? I seem to remember people all the time saying she preferred playing on grass.

Hank:You know, my father always told me to tell the truth, so if it isn't obvious, I'm really terrified. So you're probably not going to see a really great show tonight.

George Wendt · Hank:Hank, cards are a crutch. They're a crutch. There goes-- Thank you and good night. Hank, you don't need the cards.

Hank:Now I know why Larry is so puffed up.

Hank · Artie:You sound a little surprised I did so well. Oh? I'm glad I'm not playing poker anytime soon.

Paula · Hank:No. No, I book talent. I don't get coffee. Then could you book David Copperfield on the show, and when he gets here, have him pull a cup of coffee out of his ass?

Hank · Beverly:Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but the procedure is the guest host gets to use Larry's office, right? Yes. The guest host, which you are not.

Beverly · Hank:Because if I do, you know he'll give me the go-ahead to kick your balls right out through the top of your head! Oh, language!

Hank:Hey. Hey, I saved your asses last night. This is the--the fucking gratitude I get?

Artie · Hank:'Kingsley proved himself completely maladroit in the host's chair.' Hank, 'adroit' means 'able.' 'Mal' means 'bad' or 'not.' Put 'em together. Maladroit--not able. capisce?

Hank · Richard Lewis:Well, it's funny because last week, Larry and Arthur were talking, and one of them said that they thought the whole neurotic Jewish person thing that you do is, uh-- What'd he say? Predictably, uh, banal.

Hank:The whole neurotic Jewish person thing that you do is, uh-- What'd he say? Predictably, uh, banal.

Writer · Hank:'I think socks had something to do with that decision.' It's not funny. I beg your pardon? What word do you have trouble with? You understand 'not'? That's comfortable for you? And 'funny.' You've heard of that?

Darlene · Hank:What? What?! You've changed, Hank. There's a darkness around you. Good, fine. There's a darkness.

Hank:I prayed. I mean, I actually got down on my knees, and I prayed that Larry would stay sick so I could host the show tonight. I mean, I wished this man unwell.

Hank:See, that's interesting because I told our head writer that that was, you know, a little off, but he's such a hopeless retard that...

Hank:You see, it's not Larry who is sick. It's me. Yes, it's me. I am very sick. I am a sicko. I'm so fucking sick. But I'm finally where I belong.

Hank:I'm sure socks had something to do with that decision. See, that's interesting because I told our head writer that that was, you know, a little off, but he's such a hopeless retard that...

Audience member · Hank:You suck! Take a seat.

Hank:Couple of rats got caught in the mechanism.

Hank:Well, I'm not into interracial dating, 'cause it just, uh...Never works. I mean, sex is good, but in the morning, the cultural differences start to rear their ugly heads.

Hank:Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Hank:How about the time Tipper Gore complained about my breath? Because I think Larry was a little pissed about that. But my god. I-- I had an infection.

Hank:Oh, my God. Well, you got me. And I want to apologize. I just... um, it's about the, uh, handicap parking plates, is that right?

Hank:I mean, I suspected some marijuana. You know, sure, you know, what we used to call wacky tobacky. Well, I still call it that... wacky weed.

Hank:You know, I mean, pot smoking, I don't mind. The kids, you know, to get the munchies... hot wing sales go right through the roof. It's when these kids get on God-knows-what, you know, they eat like little birds.

Hank:I mean, what... what... what if one of these poor kids, you know, gets on, uh, you know, some bad stuff? No one likes to eat at a restaurant where someone has died as a rule.

Hank · Bobby:Hey, now. / It's the same as its always been. / No, no, I don't think so... hey, now!

Hank:the wife's been on my ass a little bit about the snacks. I put the crackers out in the garage, and something got into that box and built a nest

Regis · Hank:What would say? / I'd say that's great! That's great! Well, who's the lucky cable channel? / No! No cable, no, no. Network.

Hank:Get outta here, Regis Philbin

Hank:Wow. Well, that is, uh... that is, um... that's an honor. I'm, um... I'm honored and I'm deeply... I'm honored.

Hank:My wife Margaret. She gets mad when I'm... I'm late. She doesn't get mad, she gets, uh, upset... concerned!

Hank:Call Margaret! Tell her I'm 2 to 4 minutes late!

Hank · Sid:Jesus Christ. Ho! ♪ it is Sidney, it is Sidney ♪

Hank · Sid:You are... you are my mother? / All right, I'm your mother.

Hank:Live with Hank and Kathie Lee

Hank:Just a mild concussion. Don't worry yourself. Please?

Hank · Larry:Well, I'd like to know what we're talking about before I do that. / Don't worry about it. Take a chair. Just a man-to-man chat.

Hank:You got some action, huh? You finally bagged that chick at NBC, right?

Hank:that is a severe astigmatism, OK?

Hank:I quit.

Hank:You do not apply the term 'pussy whipped' to Hank Kingsley. No? No. He has never been, nor never will be whipped by anything let alone a pussy.

Assistant · Hank:Margaret called. She says it's urgent. / See that? Yeah, I'm really pussy whipped. She call from home or the car? / Home. / Yeah, like I give a shit.

Hank:Ask me about my lady again.

Sid · Hank:where you locked her in the trunk of a Camaro, as she puts it, 'for laughs.' / No. What? Oh, no, no, no, no. That's Cathy Lee Crosby.

Hank:Oh! Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Shit!

Hank:You are cold, baby.

Regis · Hank:Fall, '97. / What'd you say? / Fall, '97.

Hank · Regis:Does Joyce ever give you career advice? / No, no. Never.

Hank:I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm a fucking mess. My marriage... my marriage is, uh... my life... my life is a fuckin' mess...

Larry · Hank:This is fine. / What do you mean it's fine? You mean I can stay? / Yeah. Stay? Really? / Yeah. See you tomorrow? / See you tomorrow.

Hank:I think it's courageous for one man to send flowers to another man. I'm gonna put these right on the air conditioner.

Hank · Larry:Well, you just ask Paula to book him 2 more times. What would that do? Well, nothing, but by then you'd have flowers and a miata.

Hank:I don't care if my face swells up like a pumpkin. There's no way we're gonna miss that game tonight.

Hank · Larry:Oh, it's not about the game. I just wanted to have some special time... ohh, what's the matter, sugar, huh?

Jon · Hank:Aw, you forgot Mr. Hunk. No, I was gonna get to that, but to me, that comes after movie star.

Hank · Jon:she, uh... she prefers women. Oh, that's bullshit. No, she's, uh... she's a lesbian, Jon.

Hank:She's like a terrier after a rat.

Hank:Like you've never been with a woman? Like you've never been with a man?

Larry · Hank:Not like this. Emma samms. We agreed we weren't gonna discuss that. You turned on her alarm system.

Hank:5 years. Come on, guys. Where's the cure?

Hank · Larry:That says 'applesauce.' No, it says 'applause.'

Hank:When he sits around the house... A winnebago without drapes.

Hank · Beverly:And tell them I have some nerve deafness. Hank, that's so sad. I really don't have nerve deafness. I know. That's what's so sad.

Hank:The world makes me sad. What the... what? Sad.

Hank:Let's say, for the sake of my argument, that they get that.

Hank:How many people... famous people... went number 2 tonight? You don't have to tell me. I'm just kidding.

Larry · Hank · Beverly:They offered you 10 grand? Yeah. Beverly.

Hank:Because you can't spell 'Hilarious' without 'lar,' Larry...Sanders!

Hank · Larry:Haiti? Uh, where's that? / Well...That is right next to the Dominican Republic. / Oh, right, right. I knew that. That's a great shop, you know.

Hank · Larry:I bought a safari jacket there once. / I believe you're thinking of the Banana Republic. / Oh! Yeah. That's right.

Hank · Larry:You didn't think Margaret and I would last a year, did you? Be honest. / Not true. Not true. / I remember what you said. 'Hank, it won't last a year.' / Well, that sounds like me.

Hank:No, nonsense, this is how I've always dreamt of it. Hank, Larry, my wife. Please.

Hank:A pekingese, but they don't swim. I think they just sink like a bowling ball, don't they?

Hank:You guys have a lot of yuk-em-ups in there, huh? You have some good laughs?

Hank · Larry · Artie:My marriage is one big joke to you, isn't it? / That is not the case. / Come here, Hank. Come on, sweetheart. Listen, I know you're going through a tough time now, you know? Believe me, I've been there. / Well, I'm not there. I don't know where there is.

Hank · Margaret:A man's sexual peak is at 18. You know, scientists have proven this, but, hey, I think I hang in there pretty good for a 38-year-old guy, you know. / Hank, that is not the problem. / I know it isn't! And, besides, you are 48.

Hank · Larry · Margaret:What--what's a 2-minute warning? / A 2-minute warning is when either party just separates for 2 minutes before either one says or does something that they're just gonna regret later, ok? 2 minutes. / Hmm, and which one of your bimbo ex-girlfriends taught you that?

Hank · Larry:Are you fucking my wife? / What? / Just answer the question. You--you're fucking Margaret, aren't you? / No, I'm fucking Larry.

Hank · Larry:See, at first I just chalked it up to female problems. / Mm-hmm. She having trouble with her-- The, uh-- / Oh, no. No, not that. I mean, on the other hand, how would I know? I haven't been down there in months. She could have grown a dick over the summer. I wouldn't have a clue.

Hank · Larry:Yes, yes, we're in show business, but I know in my heart of hearts you would never fuck my wife. / Not without your go-ahead. / Exactly.

Margaret · Hank:Your entire life revolves around Larry. Your mood depends on what Larry said or what Larry did. / I think this is that crazy therapist. / No. If Larry was mean to you, then you're miserable, but if Larry was nice, then you're the happiest man on earth.

Margaret · Hank:Remember when you forgot my birthday? Have you ever forgotten Larry's birthday? / Well, now, there's a reason for that, because Larry's birthday is just easy to remember. It's December 19th. It just rolls right out, you know, whereas, uh, your birthday is--

Hank:I got it! I got it! I'm coming!

Margaret · Hank:You should have married Larry. / Aw, don't do this. / Good-bye. Don't do this.

Larry · Hank:Well, uh, how about your wife? / Oh, well, you know, we had a good year, but that's over.

Hank:Well, you know, Larry, there's a deep place inside us all, a very deep place. The trick is you gotta know how to get there. And that place is...your desk, top right-hand drawer, yellow pills. Take a few of those, a shot of bourbon...you'll go immediately to this place.

Hank:Oh, God! Aiyeee!

Hank:If I was 10 years on that boat, I'd find the lord, too.

Hank:Gavin mccloud doesn't know one fucking ring from another.

Hank:that nice lady is gonna be, uh, tripping over a little thing called a subpoena.

Hank:That is what Chinese man say when he go to dentist. He say, 'uh-oh. Uh-oh, my tooth hurting.'

Hank:Let us blow Mr. Neil Callaham's mind.

Hank:Callaham.

Hank:No, the first one kind of took the wind out of my sails.

Hank:You know, we had Patricia Arquette on the show the other night. And she died the death of a dog.

Hank:I thought we could shoot a few games. You know, I got my own cue and balls.

Sarah Jessica Parker · Hank:Besides, Hank, you're old enough to be my father. Ouch. How old is your father?

Hank · Sarah Jessica Parker:Hey, hey, no pressure. If tomorrow's better, hey, I'm fly with that. You're fly.

Hank · Stage Manager:I got a bottle of champagne at home with your name on it. And what name would that be? Brut.

Hank · Stage Manager:Oh, I like them small and compact. Then why don't you go fuck a Toyota?

Hank:Wow, and a sense of humor.

Hank:Wow, and a sense of humor. No one loves me. No one really cares.

Hank · Assistant:Tight little body. Your breasts. Hank. Hank! Come on.

Hank · Prostitute:Well, how much just to jack me off? 150 cash up front.

Hank:Rrrr. Mmm. Woof! I'm all right. Aiiee. Arf, arf.

Hank:I'm in show business, so I'm a little bit of a whore, too.

Prostitute · Hank:You calling me a whore? I'm not calling you a whore. No, no. I'm just saying that, you know, you're different from the other wh... from the other girls.

Prostitute · Hank:One time I did this guy named... uh, what's his name? Andy Richter. Get out.

Hank · Sid:You only care about me because you're my agent. I pay you 10% to care about me. 7½%, you cheap bastard.

Raoul · Hank:Great show last night. You were really funny, as always. Hold on. What's your name? Raoul.

Hank:And that is the effect, apparently, that I'm having on the American fucking viewing public!

Hank · Artie:Raul Julia was here? Raoul the waiter.

Hank · Larry:Where is Artie?! Would you keep it down? You have to speak up, Larry! I can't hear ya!

Hank:August, I think!

Hank:They'll cut you like a ripe tomato, OK?

Hank:Well, if Larry's not going to rehearse, I don't think I should be forced to rehearse.

Hank:'Talentless fat fuck,' right? I catch onto things quickly. Yes. Very hurtful. Not entirely accurate. I've lost upwards of 14 pounds.

Artie · Hank:Oh, so... so 'talentless fuck' would have been more appropriate. You skinny little shit.

Hank · Larry:Oh. You were just so doped out on drugs, you just... you didn't know what you were saying. Hank, that's water under the bridge. I remember, though, exactly what I was saying.

Hank:Hank arriving late to a meeting about keeping the show fresh with 'hey now... oh, started on time'

Hank:Hank's property values complaint about living on Rockingham

Hank:Hello, mayor. Hank Kingsley. Listen, a little problem. Easy fix.

Phil · Hank:You could say that, uh, you live on rockingham, just a knife's throw from o.j.'s house. Uh, no. I don't think I could do that one. That... that... that implies o.j. Is guilty.

Hank:Oh, I'm sure if you looked at all my underwear you'd find some blood there, too.

Hank:Yeah, well, I'm... I'm going to go out and murder someone without my shoes on. Come on, come on.

Hank:He's always been nice to me.

Hank:Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you got a good spot from years of hard work. Turns out all you have to do is dive into a shallow pond.

Hank · Phil:You little prick! What? You did it! You egged my car! What are you talking about?

Hank:Excuse me. I hate to be a bother, but is there some religious reason you're not answering my phone?

Hank:What darlene does is not a job, you see? It's a calling, and I will wait for her return.

Hank:Fuck you.

Hank:I'm tracing this call right now! Pound sand up your ass.

Hank:From the cirque du soleil. The sad clown, right?

Hank · Brian:Oh, our nation's capital. Canada. I know! Canada.

Brian · Hank:Hard-on cream? No, I forgot it.

Hank:I could never talk this way around darlene. She'd just get all insulted.

Hank · Brian:I'll be in my office whacking off. Okay. Uh, I'll hold all your calls.

Brian · Hank:You know, the toughest people are the ones who can cry. I'm tough.

Hank · Brian:Are you gay? Yeah, but that was two years ago, and I got over it.

Hank:There was not one indication on that resume that he was gay. Not... not... not one.

Hank · Brian:Yes, I asked for lanolin. I asked for lanolin. Darlene was with me for six years. She never did this. / Hank, you asked for aloe vera.

Hank:I wore a red ribbon to the emmys. I have been to several elton John concerts.

Hank:I am, but where else am I going to find a personal assistant who'll tell me when Larry is hurt?

Hank:Doug llewelyn's a faggot. Sorry.

Hank:someone has been touching my karaoke machine.

Artie · Hank:Really? No.

Hank:I walk in the morning, the red light is on, and this baby is just warm to the touch

Hank:I know how your people enjoy the karaoke.

Hank:I miss darlene. And not just because of, you know, the, uh, the sweaters.

Hank:There's those letters I hate. There they are. I hate those fucking letters.

Hank:And now, because he's a big, phony bastard, Larry Sanders!

Hank:Everything is Dan-Dan-dandy.

Hank:Rob Lowe.

Hank:All right. More pussy for Larry.

Hank:I'm sorry. That's not me. You know that's not me. That's just the grief talking.

Hank:The chef? Come on.

Hank:Again? What is he, homeless? Get a job.

Hank:So if I talk about it another day, it's not gonna be topical.

Hank:He was a great man. That's all you need to know.

Hank:you're gonna bump my dead father?

Hank · Artie:She's really flirting with me. Yeah. No shit.

Hank:Liver failure. Ha ha ha ha.

Hank:This fucker's going long. Doesn't he know my father died?

Hank:I really actually didn't know this man. So I don't, um... I don't wanna do this.

Hank:I really actually didn't know this man. So I don't, um... I don't wanna do this. So back to you. I'm sorry.

Hank:You know these supermodels have no stored fat. When they gotta eat, they gotta eat.

Hank:It's so typical. You know, I warm 'em up and just... Larry scores.

Jeannie · Hank:He looked right through me. Oh, I know. I know. It's a cold stare.

Hank:I also do cagney, you know.

Jeannie · Hank:His family completely screwed him up. [...] did they spank him? Yes. Constantly.

Hank:You dirty rat. You killed my brother, see? And now I'm gonna kill you, see?

Hank:I ate everything in the mini bar while you were asleep. I'll send you a check.

Hank:Mr. Washington, you know, these wooden teeth will last a lifetime, as long as you don't put a, uh, Beaver in your mouth.

Hank:There's too many lines, or are the words just too big?

Hank:Well, before or after I fucked her?

Hank:I know it wasn't during 'cause you would have been nauseous.

Hank:This is a beautiful plate, but not as beautiful as the plate in your head.

Hank:So, well, Jeannie tells me you wet your little bed till you were 8?

Hank:The sun sets at night so it can be at home to watch your monologue.

Hank:If you're within an 8-foot radius, whoop it up.

Hank:Don't lip off to the head rooster, you're set.

Cully · Hank:Hey, slim pants, yogurt? No, thanks, fat pants.

Larry · Hank:Well, maybe he went to 'this can't be yogurt.' Where's that? It's right near 'what is this, yogurt?' You know, I don't care if he goes to 'hey, that's my asshole.' I just want some yogurt.

Hank:now that sign says Applesauce. [Audience laughing] No, no, no. I'm kidding. It says, 'applause.'

Hank:Why do I have to be The little puppet?

Hank · Irene:I'm just juiced. Juiced! Ha ha! That's cute!

Hank · Sid:I read, uh, the bridges of... Madison County

Hank:Well, I'm just Fucking two women!

Hank:I'm drunk. Actually my life is shit.

Hank:You know, you can't Just, uh, bang a jukebox And go, 'ayyy!' You know, your problems Disappear, fonzie.

Hank:Sex is Not a dirty thing. Sex is not a crime. It's a loving act Between 2 or more Consenting adults. To quote our president.

Hank:I cut one A few minutes ago. It must be all the way To seinfeld by now.

Hank:I'm gonna wait for him After the show In the parking lot, And I'm gonna Fucking kill him. Now listen to me. You're gonna Help me do it. I'm lyle. You're eric. We're gonna grab A couple of shotguns, And we're gonna Take out daddy.

Hank:I'm lyle. You're eric. We're gonna grab A couple of shotguns, And we're gonna Take out daddy.

Hank:You bald piece of shit. You fat little whore!

Hank:And all my actions Will improve The general perception Of southern Citrus fruits, juices, And related products, And I will avoid any actions Or appearance of actions Detrimental to the same.

Hank:all my actions Will improve The general perception Of southern Citrus fruits, juices, And related products

Hank:Yee-haw! The taste of dixie In a purty little carton.

Larry · Hank:Good, I wish it was me. Who'd you have to fuck To get this?

Hank:And now, because there's nowhere left to run, Larry Sanders!

Hank · Beverly:what the fuck are you talking about? I don't want to ask her.

Hank · Beverly:You know, goddamn him and that talking car. No, no, no. That's David Hasselhoff. Macgyver's the... Richard Dean Anderson.

Hank:Oh. What does that mean? Is he a Drama queen?

Hank:Fucking bitch! She's going after the lookaround cafe.

Hank · Larry:Oh, fuck the beach house. It's a rental. Well, you told everyone you owned the beach house. I do in the summer.

Hank:I guess you guys in publicity are having a real good laugh. Married on TV, and a year later, cancelled.

Hank:Any chance we could use that to make her look like a cunt?

Hank · Jeff Goldblum:Hey. Goldbl... is it 'blum' or 'bloom'? It's, uh, 'bloom,' oh. Well, welcome to the show.

Hank:Well, you should know there was a shooting and a beating and a killing and a stabbing there.

Hank:I was almost killed on the way here. I'm on the 101, and all of a sudden the entire cast of miss Saigon comes out of nowhere and tries to sideswipe me.

Hank:These asians... I mean, they must have a deal with the dmv. They... they keep getting the licenses.

Larry · Hank:Oh, it's an aids thing, right? / Oh, you know about it? / No, but it's always an aids thing.

Hank · Larry:Well, how does a dollar a mile sound? / 20 whole dollars. Can a cure be far behind?

Larry · Hank:Happy to. How's 20 bucks a mile? / Oh, that's great. That's $400. / What is the cause, aids? Yeah, make it 25.

Larry · Hank:Is it me, or does this suck? / I mean, I hate this sketch. / Yeah. So do I.

Hank:It's been over 3 hours, and the man hasn't moved a muscle. Something tells me we won't be doing a show tonight.

Hank:Between my fucking ex-wife and the... and the ponies, I'm lucky if I can swing postage.

Hank:You're gonna be wiping your ass with $100 bills.

Hank:We got him back for you. We nailed him. The two us, Artie and me. That little cocksucker Frank is down. It was beautiful.

Hank · Artie:It's a trellis. It's a trellis. / And this trellis... this is a gorgeous trellis. It's just... just gorgeous. And we stood there. We admired it for quite a while. Then I burned it down.

Hank:Ha! Not now there ain't.

Hank:You know, when that asian woman came out of the house screaming, I just thought she was the housekeeper.

Hank · Beverly:What is it with the Chinese guy? He's on once a week and he's not funny. I know. Why don't you tell Larry? I'm not gonna tell him.

Hank:I sent Brian to the bank with my atm card, but I don't know what happened to him. He probably got sucked into some kind of parade.

Hank:It cured my cold.

Hank:My advice? Pepper spray, and don't be afraid to use it.

Larry · Hank · Phil:OK, Hank, give him the money. What money? Hey, there it is. What are you... all you had to do was ask. Prick.

Hank · Larry · Jennifer Aniston:Larry's the king, man. King Kong! / Ha ha ha ha! What does that mean? / Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep? / Anywhere he wants to. / I don't get it.

Hank:I just took the most incredible dump. I mean, I haven't had one like that since-- I believe-- Reagan was in the White House.

Hank:Bad things coming in threes. First my divorce, then the pool filter catching on fire, and now this.

Hank:I think Brett Butler's in there.

Hank:Oh, damn. The day can turn to shit so quickly.

Hank:A man is lying on his deathbed not 5 miles from here, and these bloodsuckers, these leeches... A little respect for the soon-to-be dead, please.

Hank:He's dead. Or-- or near-dead.

Hank:You're not all getting on the elevator at once, are you? You kids, you're so crazy!

Brian · Hank:It was a hiatal hernia. It's a rip in the esophagus... Fucking doctors! I mean, come on!

Hank:If you say a person's not going to make it through the day, then he shouldn't make it. It's just so inconsiderate to just put us through this worry.

Hank:[Hank cries]

Hank:I almost lost a-- I almost lost Sid today... Sid, take care of your esophagus.

Hank · Larry · Artie:He was a paper boy. Right. That didn't last very long, did it? Well, you know, it was on fox.

Hank · Artie:I hope I look that good when I'm 100. Looks like he's rotting from the inside.

Hank · Artie:How come I'm never invited to those? Because, Hank, the circle is just so big, and you and I ain't in it.

Hank · Beverly:Well, use the fan club dues. Well, there's no money in that account. You used most of it up on that trip to acapulco.

Hank:OK, repeat after me: I used that money to pay for the Hank Kingsley fan club newsletter.

Larry · Hank:It's 90210, Hank. Please? We just hate Brenda.

Hank:Oh, my God.

Larry · Hank:Do you think they should wear swimsuits, Hank? Yes, I do, because I think we should have a... a choice.

Hank:Oh, I blew a guy on the way over here. How's that?

Larry · Hank:There is no... there is no land. Where are you going? That's not land. There's only water. Hi, neighbor. Can I borrow some sugar? You can't borrow some sugar. There's no sugar. There's only water.

Hank · Paula:You want me to turn gay, don't you? Oh... yes, please. Make all of San Francisco's dreams come true.

Hank · Artie:It's all connections. That's how your... your son got the job. Good-looking boy.

Hank:It's an elizabeth Taylor night light, and she just whipped it up in 15 seconds. ...And, by the way, this is actual hair.

Hank · Larry:What cologne are you wearing? Sand dabs. I don't like to eat them. I just rub them on.

Hank:Wouldn't I like to give her the old pork sausage? Hello, Jimmy Dean. Enh. Enh.

Hank:Larry? I wanna thank you for 8 wonderful years. This is my gift to you. And I love you.

Hank:If anybody should be fucking her, it should be me. I'm closer to her age than Larry.

Hank:We've been together 8 years... being sentimental. You know. I just... but in a professional, platonic way.

Hank:He jumped the rail, and he dumped the jockey, and he ran across the infield... he got into the parking lot and out onto Colorado Boulevard.

Hank:I don't know how, but he got into the parking lot and out onto colorado Boulevard.

Hank:We should be expecting 2, maybe 3 lawsuits.

Hank · Artie:Don't expect anything from me during the kd lang segment tonight. I don't. I never do.

Hank · Artie:She did nothing, so I told her to go fuck herself. Well, so far, there's no surprise there.

Hank:It kind of turns you on, though, doesn't it?

Larry · Hank:Does it seem like 8 to you, Hank? Yes.

Larry · Hank:[Awkward silence and laughter from audience]

Hank · Artie:I thought the guest host was a big surprise. Did you know sandra was going to host the show? No. Surprise. She's hosted the show 11 times already. Well, surprise. She's going to do it again.

Hank:I swear to God, I forgot what the last thing was.

Hank · Brian:We love our guests. I love my job.

Hank:Women, thank God, are now equal with men, and... although, I gotta tell you, I think men are just a little stronger... but in all other areas, equal. Especially at the crunch. You know... sex time.

Hank:I was just busily pleasing myself, but now I realize, thanks to you, people like you, it's a 2-way street, and I want to thank you.

Hank:Great ass.

Hank:I tell you there's a conspiracy, and you tell me to put on makeup, but then she walks in, tells you, and you're all ears. It's always about you, isn't it?

Sandra · Hank:Hank, want to get in here and do a quick exam? No. Just kidding.

Hank · Brian:My god, if this car gets me Just one third the pussy That man got, I die a happy man. Don't put yourself down. I bet you get half.

Hank:That's why they sold Alaska to us for-- For nothing.

Hank · Brian:¡hola, jefe! ¡gracias, senoritas and caballeros! 2 more shows, And it's a week Of fun in the sun. These language tapes Are really Paying off for you.

Hank:I spent last night Out at hollywood park, Begging for jump-starts From race-track scum. This morning I had a delightful hour On the side of the 405, Rehanging the muffler With my goddamn necktie.

Hank:But I spent twice Your annual salary On this car. It blows out smoke That smells like A dead horse. When I touch the cd player And the steering wheel At the same time I get a shock. And the engine stalls out If I cut a fart.

Hank:What you're smelling Is pure driving power.

Hank:Of course there's Something wrong. Get a fucking mop And meet me in the garage.

Hank:Tally ho, fuck face!

Staff Member · Hank:Your car's on fire. God damn it! God damn it! When were you Gonna tell me?!

Unknown · Hank:What are you doing? I'm mocking him Because he's an asshole.

Hank · Elvis Costello:Man, I should've Learned my lesson When I bought That moped from sting. There's your problem. You don't buy Anything from sting.

Hank:"applesauce." No, no. I'm kidding. It says "applause."

Hank:Good morning, master Sanders.

Hank:I was a swimsuit model in the I can't believe it's a guy catalogue.

Hank:I know, I know. I dodged a bullet.

Hank:hurt me as much as it hurt you. Really? Well, even though my... my name wasn't mentioned.

Hank:Don't do a TV movie with your daughter. No. Don't, uh... sell jewelry. No. Don't go on E!

Hank:that may work in your little gay paradise, but this is my life, OK?

Hank:Everyone is a joy.

Hank · Larry:Well, I thought he said that your face was puffy. Yeah, he said that, too.

Hank:At least you have the guts to get out there in front of millions of people and be needy.

Hank:"Dear Larry... Tom shales is my favorite writer. Sincerely, Hank 'blow me' Kingsley."

Hank:I did that show. Bill maher hit on me.

Hank:So, um... I forwarded your fax to that asshole this morning.

Hank:He said this chair is just like having sex.

Hank:But from today on, it would mean so much to me if each of you referred to me as Hank Lepstein.

Hank:He's a sweet guy. He's a genius guy. Not so pretty, but awfully sweet.

Hank:You know, the drinking and the gambling and the cheap sex, and I mean-- oh, what a waste of time.

Hank · Phil:You're not even Jewish. I am Jewish. No, you're not. I am Jewish!

Hank:At least I'm smart enough not to worship a god that sits in the middle of a Chinese restaurant with a sign that says, 'Rub my belly for luck.'

Hank:A rabbi fits more nicely into a show business environment.

Hank:This would be a real good place to hide the matzo on Passover.

Hank:Catholic priests can't do that, which is why I believe so many of them have prostate problems.

Hank:Yom Kippur and the 4th of July.

Hank:You have soft skin. I mean-- I mean, for a rabbi.

Hank:A friend loveth at all times, but, um, a brother is born for adversity.

Hank:Sally Field wore her hat on The Flying Nun and look at that. That was a big show.

Hank:I am on God's team, and this is God's cap.

Hank:And besides, I am-- I am looking at the postseason.

Hank:We live in a racist society. Even behind the camera, apparently.

Hank:You're an uncle Tom.

Hank:You'll get this yarmulke when you pry it off my cold dead head.

Hank:Like the-- Like the Hebrews at Masada.

Hank:Yeah, that sounds like a woman.

Hank:Yeah, that sounds like a woman.

Hank:Right on, sister.

Hank:What the hell are orange Jews?

Hank:It was eva gabor... It was her first orgasm, and she just couldn't thank me enough.

Hank:Zsa Zsa was at the wheel. Oh, mama! And I was-- as you might say-- I was working under the hood.

Larry · Hank:It's a wallet. It's got a fish on it. Oh, that's a nice one. You like it? Yeah. Ok. You--it's yours. Really? 'Cause I need a new wallet.

Larry · Hank:No, no, that's 3 o'clock. 12 o'clock! No, this is 12 o'clock. No, you're 3. I'm 12 o'clock.

Larry · Hank:Oh, for god sakes. How come every time you see 2 women together, you automatically think they're gay? We're together. Does that mean we're gay?! No, but the night's still young.

Hank:Very, very, very, funny. I not only peed me pants, I shat them.

Hank:Kevin and Larry sitting in a tree, K-L-S-S-L-N-G

Unknown · Hank · Hank:what's wrong with your face, sweetie? You look like a pumpkin. / Oh, Jesus. Can't a man wear a little bronzer? / I'm sure if Kevin wore bronzer everyone would just love it.

Hank:Oh, they're not sure, but they think I might have swallowed a small chicken bone at lunch and it just sort of came up on me.

Hank · Unknown · Hank:Oh, they're not sure, but they think I might have swallowed a small chicken bone at lunch and it just sort of came up on me. / Oh. / But after a very thorough examination, the doctor gave me some tums.

Hank · Brian:Are you crying? Please, don't do that.

Beverly · Hank:His boyfriend, Hank. They've been together for over a year and a half. Oh, my God. I didn't know that.

Hank · Beverly:Mmm, missed a spot. No, on your face.

Hank:Was it my bad breath? Because, um, I ate an avocado today... but avocado's don't give you bad breath.

Hank:If people only knew.

Hank · Brian:You get back on the horse. You get back on the horse and you go. Go where? Wherever the fucking horse goes.

Gordon · Hank:Oh, my go... do you know who you are? Yes I do. Do you know who you are?

Gordon · Hank:You are very popular in the gay community, Hank. See, I told ya.

Hank:Well, that's a lie. We never went to mother lode.

Hank:Yes! Yes! Rayneene, perfect.

Hank:Tell her to wear something very short and very tight.

Larry · Hank:Hank, are you OK? Oh, no, I'm not. I'm not OK.

Hank:Hank Kingsley, international cigar smuggler.

Hank:Yeah, like in nuña your goddamn business.

Hank:they put me between Dennis frantz and hector elizondo on the can you recognize these bald heads? Game.

Hank:And if I didn't have a biscuit on me, it would've taken my arm off.

Charlie · Hank:Were you in ghost busters? / No. That was Bill Murray. / Well, how about blues brothers? / No. That was my brother John.

Hank:little felipe needs a full moon to make the swim.

Larry · Charlie · Hank:So, uh... you got the Larry Sanders hat. / Uh-huh. That's good. / What'd they charge you for that? / Why can't I get a Larry Sanders hat?

Hank:And until then, they expect me to do what, just to go fuck myself?

Hank · Inspector:Taffy. / Taffy? / Yeah. Yeah, I chew taffy.

Hank:Hot plate.

Hank:Fucker.

Hank:Oh, fuck me.

Hank:Yeah? Well, thanks for ratting me out to the feds, speaking of assholes.

Hank:Hey, everybody! Hey, look at Larry, the big fat asshole! Whoo! Asshole man!

Hank:I wish you could see how Jewish you look right now.

Hank:Oh, really? What time is the collar due back?

Hank:you don't have to come visit me because you've already fucked me in the ass.

Beverly · Hank:Charlie's sick. We got to get him to the hospital. / Who's that kid?

Hank · Larry:No. / Hank's had a bad day.

Hank:Boy, I'd like to have that police woman put me in a choke hold. You know, frisk me, baby. Whoa, do I have a concealed weapon for you.

Hank:It's like I shit in Pluto's dish or something.

Hank:I knew television was in deep, deep trouble the day they took C.P.O. Sharkey off the air.

Hank:No, no. Not really. Uh, he'd been on the plane the flight before mine. You could still feel the Eisner in the air.

Hank:I don't think so.

Hank:Is he a gynecologist?

Hank:This is a warning, my friend. You do not mess with Hercules. I killed my wife, I killed my children, and I shall kill you if you do not temper thy tongue.

Hank:I don't mean to question your judgment, but one of my balls is as big as Tate Donovan.

Hank:Hiageus, the village idiot, enters, a sad little stump of a man with a sorry mustache. He's being pelted with stones by a band of toughs. He cries out for Hercules in his funny squeal of a voice.

Hank:Do you think that when Hiageus gets in trouble, he could say, uh, 'Hey, now!'

Hank:Paralegal? I always thought that was a lawyer in a wheelchair.

Michelle · Hank:That was very funny. I'm sure you hear that all the time. No, no. Not really.

Hank · Michelle:Bob Saget says that all the time. Really? All the time. That's good to know.

Hank:It's a big fish on, but the thing is Artie gave that to me. It's a whole fishing tackle box/wallet combination.

Hank · Michelle:Oh, yeah, but the housekeeper's not here, so we'll have to just drink it out of the bottle. Straight out of the bottle? Straight.

Hank · Michelle:Chocolate is an aphrodisiac, and the mud part is all chocolate. Oh, my God. What? I think it's working.

Hank · Michelle:Sitter? Dog sitter? No, the baby-sitter. Um, I have a 6-year-old son.

Hank:Well, isn't that... isn't that just great?

Hank · Michelle:quite frankly, Roger... is that... is that your husband? No, that's my son.

Hank · Michelle:Roger... is that your husband? No, that's my son.

Hank:Oh! I mean, kids are great. They have energy.

Hank · Artie:I don't know anyone who has an American car anymore. What do you mean? I drive an American car.

Hank:Well, what am I supposed to do? He wrote them in Spanish.

Hank · Roger:Uh-oh, you must be Susan. You must be Roger. How you doin', champ? Fine. They took my mom's car and lifted it way high.

Roger · Hank:Sacramento... that's the capital of California. Wow. You are correct. You must... you must be very smart.

Hank · Roger:South Dakota. Pierre. And what's the capital of North Dakota... Pepé Le Pew?

Hank:Come on. You know this. He knew all the capitals of all the states. Backstage he was terrific. Come on. Starts with an 'I.' Ends with a 'y.'

Michelle · Hank:You are a grown man, you had no reason to attack him like that. He did great. It went great.

Hank:I masturbated before the show, and you caught me.

Hank · Phil:Don't boxers abstain from any type of sexual activity before a big fight? Yes, because they are pussies.

Hank:a little sexual stimulation before the show relaxes and centers me.

Larry · Hank:I don't even know which one is harriet. You'll learn their names within the year.

Hank:I can only derive a limited amount of personal satisfaction from booking the parrot lady.

Hank · Artie:The music stopped! The music stopped! What music?

Hank · Phil:Here. Catch. Then the audience, in unison, shouts, 'hey, now, Hank, go fuck yourself.'

Hank:Oh, my God, girl, if you're going to a roast, I gotta take you shopping, teach you how to dress.

Hank:I believe technically it's called roast mastering

Hank:Come on! That whole stand-up thing is a... it's just over. I mean, 'have you noticed this,' and 'have you noticed that?'

Hank:Hillary Clinton may be Bill Clinton's first lady, but she is not his first lay.

Hank:See? I notice stuff, too. I just don't write it down and go to some moth-eaten nightclub and repeat it.

Hank · Phil:what if the heckler's a woman? Well, same thing. You talk about her dick. Makes 'em crazy.

Hank:Is mosquito right? Shouldn't it be hung like a bee?

Hank:Get me a damp cloth and a cyanide tablet.

Hank:hey, why don't you speak up? Only the people at your table know you're an asshole.

Hank:I don't come to your job and knock the dick out of your ass.

Larry · Hank:Nice rack. That's alex. Who's alex? That's the girl I've been dating. Nice rack.

Hank:Tonight the mermaid Will be played By a lovely and talented Lady instead of me.

Hank · unknown:Well, I am the mermaid. Does Larry come back After this?

Hank:I mean, do you really Buy that she has ever Been underwater? I don't. I'm sorry, I don't.

Hank:and now, because Larry's home catching up on his sex, Jon Stewart.

Hank:I just feel like A wet burlap bag Full of monkey shit.

Hank:Why are you fucking With me like this? 'Hey now' is My catch phrase. I own it.

Larry · Beverly · Hank:Is he retarded? No. He works In a shoe store. He looks just like you.

Paul Fisher · Hank:This is like A wet dream come true. Well, that's why We have the tarp.

Hank · Paul Fisher:That's funny. I thought I was the 'hey now' guy. Ha ha ha ha ha. Not in valencia, my friend.

Hank:He has colon cancer. I've got-- He's dying.

Hank:I am nothing like that-- That sick fuck. He is a pathetic, Annoying nobody, And I am-- I am Hank fucking Kingsley.

Hank:And you can go around, And you can say, 'Hey now' till Your dick falls off. But you know what, paul? That does not make you me!

Paul Fisher · Hank:I mean, with The show ending. What? You haven't heard? Jon Stewart is Taking over for Larry.

Hank:And now, because The charges were dropped, Larry Sanders!

Hank · Kenny:Uh, here? / Further. / Can't, uh, Go any further. / Right here, Hank. / Yeah, it's, uh-- It's fresher.

Hank:Can I share Something with you? Um, I have a severe Hearing disorder. Actually, It's a, uh... Punctured eardrum, And, uh, Whenever I'm, uh... Very near A loud noise Such as a... A band, My head feels Like it's just... [Groans] I mean, Have you seen The zapruder film?

Hank:Can't, uh, go any further.

Hank:Jesus christ, my rectal tract Paid for your jaguar.

Hank:This move to the band Is like getting on The fucking bus To auschwitz. I'm on my way out.

Larry · Hank:Do you like The new set, Hank? [Audience laughs] Oh, that's right. So Hank is over By the, uh, band now

Hank · Larry:I'm sorry. What? / Are you-- Are you comfortable? / You know, This is, uh... Are you, uh-- Do we have a beeper For Hank?

Hank · Larry:I think It's beautiful. I think it's, uh... Downtown. [Audience laughs] Which city downtown In which, you know? Which city?

Hank:lemons. When life gives you lemons, you make things with lemons.

Hank:And now I have to sit next to that... that... that... that woman.

Hank · Pat Sajak:the state of liberty. Uh, Hank? Merv? Pat. And, Hank, it's 'statue.' Statue of liberty.

Hank:Like cher's ass.

Hank:It's all tears, cartwheels, And a hard-on.

Hank:I have been on stand-by For my own phantas For 5 1/2 years now.

Hank:It's not that I'm worried That, uh... Larry likes you More than he likes me, Because, you know-- fuck it-- You know, we both know he does.

Hank:He's such a cheap fucker.

Hank · Sid:Slide it under, Asshole. Nice going, dipshit. Give me my pen back, Schmuck.

Hank:By the way, I already have A travel clock.

Hank · Bridget Fonda · Larry:[Hank getting Bridget to sign autograph 'on his lap']

Hank:Well, it was-- It was gross, all right.

Hank:don't let that toothless Ukrainian guy near it. Only give the keys to caro-- to caro!

Hank:Oh, who knows how long these gay cruises last. They're in international waters. They can do anything.

Hank:I can't go to the habitat for fucking Humanity banquet in a dented bentley because some shitbag smashed into my fucking car!

Hank:It was Vince fucking vaughn.

Hank:my guess would be west hollywood. [Laughing] Unlisted. Like anyone gives a shit.

Hank · Beverly:You get in 5 or 6 accidents a year, and your car is a... It's a jetta. I'm-- I'm sorry. What? It's an '85 jetta.

Hank:And you are asking me to equate that with a $200,000 handcrafted bentley?

Beverly · Hank:Is how great I thought you were on the 'shabad' telethon this year. Oh. Thanks. It's 'chabad.'

Hank:No one really knows how hard chabad is. I mean, 10 minutes of dancing that hora... That's a fucking marathon.

Hank:You got a crush on me.

Hank:Find some dog shit, take it over to the fox lot, and smear it on Vince vaughn's car.

Beverly · Hank:Hank, have you lost your mind? Is that a yes?

Hank:Well...Fondue. I mean, any retard can melt cheese.

Hank:Look at us. We're like a choo-choo here.

Hank:I gotta record this. I gotta record this. I gotta record this.

Hank:It was a tree.

Hank:"Dear mr. Vaughn: I am sorry about the shit I put on your car."

Hank:"Women-- what are you going to do? By the way, I thought swingers was a hoot and a half."

Hank:Ahoy, captain Sanders. The u.s.s. Hilarity is now safely in her berth. You know, has anyone ever told you you should start wearing a sailor's cap?

Hank:Oh, nothing. I'm just practicing my Chinese.

Assistant · Hank:Yes. I called the tracking number, and the people at omaha said it was delivered on Saturday. Saturday? Mm-hmm. Well, Jesus, that's $200 worth of meat.

Writer · Hank:Great news, Hank. You're in tonight's sketch. I am? Mm-hmm. All right. That's great. Uh, what am I doing? You're playing hitler.

Hank · Writer:The hitler? Yeah, one in the same.

Hank:I'm fucked. Comedy central. Oh, come on. I'll have to wear something tonight that'll make me look young and fresh.

Hank:That's not young and fresh. This is not young. This... this is old. This is show business.

Hank · Assistant:Doesn't this smell like urine? Let's not put a name to it. Let me just get you the spray.

Hank:Now, there are jokes, and then there is piss all over my shoes. These are 2... entirely different things.

Hank · Phil:What can we do, just tie their assholes in a knot? I think that's balloon animals.

Hank:They're loyal. They stick by their masters. Unless, of course, their masters abandon them. And then they have to find a new master. But when they find their new master, they're loyal forever. Assuming, of course, their new master wants them.

Hank:Oh, my God, they look like carjackers.

Hank · Wu-Tang member:I gotta tell you, my absolute favorite song is 'shame on a nigga,' you know? Shame on a nigga? Shame on a nigga? No? It's a phat song, you know.

Hank · Wu-Tang member:Where... where is she? Yo, yo, he just got out of jail. You know what I mean? He's just holding down at home for a while, you know? Oh, man, gee, I know that dig, you know.

Hank:I got parking tickets coming right out of my ass. You know? Fuckers, cops, you know? Fuckers. You know?

Larry · Hank:You're not goin' off to college, you know. You're spending a week with a family in wisconsin. Jeez, it's just a bit.

Hank · Larry:Why should Charles kuralt have a monopoly on this kind of shit? / Hank, Charlie's no longer with us. / I know, that's what I'm saying. It's... it's wide open.

Hank · Larry:she was the, uh, first one, uh, in her neighborhood to own a minsk coat. / I think he means 'mink.' / No, she was from minsk.

Larry · Hank:Hank, I'm no expert on pies, but that one looks like it needs to go back in for another 3 or 4 hours. / You forgot to turn the oven on.

Mr. Schmidt · Hank:I said, when I got back, I wanted you gone. / All right. / Did you hear me? / I want him out of here now. He can take his whore with him, OK?

Hank:It means that you're a fucking freak.

Hank:You don't know the fucking difference between being laughed with and being laughed at.

Artie · Hank:Good for you. You gotta set an example. No. I mean, he killed himself.

Hank:I told him he was a... a... a fourth rate Larry bud melman.

Hank:Call rosie grier. Ask him if he'll come over and pray with me.

Phil · Hank:No flipping. Shut up, Phil.

Hank:It didn't work, but you know why? Because you went so long. You know, you killed the whole audience.

Hank:What did you say to Sid? When? Right after rehearsal when you walked away from me and made a beeline backstage, probably to tell him how rotten he was and how much better you'd be in the sketch, right?

Hank · Phil:Really? What kind of car did Sid have? We... we never got to that.

Hank:He had her stashed in a little place in the valley. He used to bang her at lunch.

Hank:I guess he liked to tell people that.

Hank:Can you imagine killing yourself over a couple of chicks?

Hank:It was like when you were interviewing Dan rather.

Hank:Well, at you, but hilarious. You were good.

Hank:Oh, Sid, you fuck. You tricked me, buddy.

Hank:That's Larry for 'I hate this guy.'

Hank:we can go to my house and see a little tape I like to call too hot for TV, totally uncensored.

Hank:Um... have you ever had a 'collinoscopy'?

Hank:I bonded with a man completely non-sexually the other day.

Hank · Mary Lou:okay. No good? / No, I think it might make Larry uncomfortable.

Larry · Hank:Hank, higher. 12. Why don't we take a break and... we'll come, uh, right back and watch Hank guess the entire current nfl roster and their numbers and weights.

Hank:I sent her, uh... I sent her Bob costas. I sent her, uh, brent musberger. John madden drove all the way across the country just to see her. Howie long. Howie... howie goes once a week.

Hank:I sent her Bob costas. I sent her, uh, brent musberger. John madden drove all the way across the country just to see her. Howie long. Howie... howie goes once a week.

Hank:I mean, she gives great scope, you know?

Hank · Drew Barrymore:So, show your tits. / What? / Well, you know, like you did on-- on Letterman.

Hank:I thought that was, like, your shtick, you know. Like I do 'hey now.'

Hank:Do you want to show a little, uh-- No? A little tuckus?

Hank · Artie:Oh, yeah, I hear he's gay! / Fuck you.

Hank · Hank:It just didn't feel...sincere. / I would just-- I would make it bigger.

Bruno Kirby · Hank:Bruno kirby doesn't take direction from some talk show sidekick. / Now you've got something. Bring that-- / I was in the godfather, for god's sake.

Hank:Oh, well, see I only-- I only saw the third one, the good one.

Hank:Oh, well, see I only-- I only saw the third one, the good one.

Hank:The last 10 years have been your glorious gift to the people of this country. But they've also have been a gift... to a man by the name of Hank Kingsley

Hank:I think my thank-you should not come directly after yours, 'cause that would sound tit for tat

Hank:Don't lump me in with those fucking craft service retards

Hank · Larry:Like wedding vows... I think you should wear a veil. I think we should come down the aisle together, maybe in white

Hank:Oh, my god. Jerry Seinfeld!

Hank:Thank you for not letting me say my thank you. I mean, I knew you guys were pieces of shit, but I, you know, I had no idea.

Hank:One more remark, and I swear, I'll fucking choke you with my hands!

Hank:And you, sir, are not in it, and you, sir, are not in it.