Halloween

It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile.

If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so that you could still be friends with the person firing you?

Wish I could fire Sherri. Hey, I'm still here.

These are people's lives you're talking about.

Why did you put it off until Halloween? Because it's very scary stuff.

So it's a man? No. Or a woman. A human life.

And sometimes you just let it go to voice mail.

I'm a three-hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause he can have me either way. Plain white Jim, or three-hole punch.

I am a Sith Lord.

Three round pieces of paper taped to his shirt. This cost me $129.

Ass.

Bet you wish you wore a dress every day. What are you implying?

I'm gonna need you to find 50 grand in the numbers. But we don't keep two cents... Just, you know, find it.

Pretend that your jobs depend on it.

Soccer ball and cleats. Why is that? Bend It Like Beckham.

Well, I don't really have two heads, so. Wait, what are you again? Oh, right. Three-hole punch!

A doglike obedience to authority.

We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska. Or India.

He's a gun nut. Sticks to his guns.

Jim, definitely. No, Jim brings in money.

Although it does make sense to fire the least popular, because it has the least effect on morale.

You're right. I didn't even think of him. No, Michael. Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.

Tell him not Dwight. I'm not saying that's what he said. Tell him to stop. Quiet you. Make him be quiet.

I made brownies. And I made cookies. Same category.

I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.

Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice.

You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well, then you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible.

Stanley, could you come with me, please. No.

You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone.

Oh, excuse me. I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ.

Well, you know what? You can go to hell too. And I will see you there... burning.

It's in Maryland. Yeah. But, I mean, look at the salary.

Out of loyalty to this company... Oh, you idiot.

If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody. But then you wouldn't have me here. Big deal.

I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline.

I'm going to kill myself! And it's your fault!

Michael Scott here. I'm gonna kill you for firing me.

Let's fight it. Let's call Jan, and fight this thing together like the old days. What old days?

Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour.

Fire Devon, he's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon.

You will be my savior. You're the guy who gave me my life back.

Devon's terrible. No one's gonna miss him.

You gotta go with you gut, man. Well... No, I can't... No. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot.

In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me.

Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm gonna be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell.

Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out.

That's just a figure of speech, you know? All it really means is that we're friends.

I mean, if she left I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.

Last Halloween, I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical.

The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky. And I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky.

You know what? You guys are getting all of these. Grab it, grab it.