The Farm

Jim:You look like a fancy clown.

Jim:Were you close to your aunt?

Dwight:Well, my aunt was the closest thing I had to an aunt.

Jim:I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, man.

Dwight:I don't need your sympathy, Jim. Schrutes are strong. We don't mourn. We move forward. Weakness is a choice, and I choose strength.

Dwight:I've prepared buckets for the funeral invitations. Each bucket contains soil from a specific region, carefully selected for its mineral composition and pH balance.

Dwight:The dirt-throwing ritual requires precision. You cannot simply throw any soil. The calcium content must be between 7.2 and 7.8 pH.

Dwight:I've sourced loam from three different farms. This one is from Schrute Farms, naturally superior. The others are merely adequate for comparison.

Jim:Well, that's definitely acidic.

Pam:Oh thank God, I'm not invited to a funeral.

Jim:I've been working with Dwight for 12 years now. And I've spent a lot of that time thinking about how much I can't stand him. But realizing 12 years is actually a very long time... I don't know. That's like, a third of my life. We've been through a lot together. So maybe... maybe he's not so bad.

Jim:Dwight, you can't just throw dirt balls at people.

Dwight:You don't understand! She's gone, Jim. She's gone and I'll never get to tell her that I love her!

Jim:Okay, but the dirt balls—

Dwight:DIRT BALL!

Dwight:This sidecar is mine. I need it for my farm equipment transport.

Mose:No, Dwight, I was using it first. You always take my things.

Dwight:Mose, you don't even have a motorcycle. How would you use a sidecar?

Mose:I could get one. You never let me have anything.

Zeke:Guys, I bought this sidecar. It's clearly mine.

Dwight:Zeke, you don't even work here anymore. You have no claim to this.

Zeke:I still have seniority over Mose.

Mose:That's not how that works!

Dwight:Nobody's getting this sidecar.

Casual mention that it's a rental after property damage

Todd Packer:Hey everyone, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for all the years of being a jerk. I've been working on myself, going through some programs.

Dwight Schrute:What kind of programs?

Todd Packer:Well, I'm in AA, NA, GA, SA, and OA.

Jim Halpert:That's... a lot of programs.

Todd Packer:Yeah, I figure if I do them all at the same time, I'll be fixed by next Tuesday.

Todd Packer:Pam, I want to apologize for all those crude comments I made about you over the years. I was wrong to personify you like that.

Pam:You mean objectify?

Todd Packer:Yeah, that's what I said.

Todd Packer:Look, I'm sorry for those comments I made about people's size. I shouldn't have said those things.

Todd Packer:But in my defense, that kid was asking for it.

Todd Packer:Hey, I brought cupcakes for everyone. I'm really trying to turn over a new leaf here.

Todd Packer:I mean, I'm sorry for all the offensive things I've said. These cupcakes are my way of making amends.

Todd Packer:So help yourself, and— uh, feel free to eat my... I mean, eat the cupcakes.

Brothers arguing about soil quality at cemetery. Logic escalates to zombie prevention.

Dwight:Aunt Shirley was born on a Tuesday. She had two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. She wore clothes most days. She ate food to survive. She died on a Thursday. She is now deceased.

Jim:Dwight's not really known for his subtlety in communication.

Jim:Your sister is really attractive.

Dwight:Whoa, whoa, whoa. That is not okay. She is a Schrute, and Schutes do not appreciate compliments about their appearance. We appreciate hard work, discipline, and the ability to grow our own food.

Esther:You know, the way they kill the chickens at the processing plant is actually very efficient. They use this conveyor belt system and—

Jim:Okay, we're at a funeral.

Minister:This beautiful three-bedroom, two-bath home features original hardwood floors, crown molding, and lots of natural light. The master bedroom has an en-suite bathroom and walk-in closet. This property is perfect for a young family or first-time homebuyer. Okay.

Dwight:We test for death very thoroughly. I once accidentally buried a man alive. It was an act of kindness, really. He had asked me to.

Kevin:Numbers are my gift. You know, I used to work in the warehouse, and I was great with numbers. I could remember all the orders, the quantities, everything.

Kevin:So I figured, why not make a career out of it? That's why I became an accountant.

Todd Packer:Clark, I want to apologize for what I said about you.

Clark:What did you say?

Todd Packer:Well, I didn't actually say it out loud. I just thought it.

Andy:Those cupcakes are disgusting. I wouldn't eat one even if I was starving. They taste like a dead animal wrapped in diabetes.

Pam:Oh Fanny, this is beautiful. 'My heart soars like a... like a...'

Fanny:Like a fart.

Pam:Like a fart?

Fanny:My heart soars like a fart. It's a sophisticated literary comparison.

Jeb:Dwight's obviously the cool one.

Jeb:I mean, I think I'm the comedian of the family, but...

Dwight:I have studied the human form extensively. I have identified their weaknesses. Number one: the neck. It is remarkably fragile. A man can go into a choke hold and lose consciousness in seconds.

Jim:So Dwight's been trying to court this girl, right? And he's been doing all these weird rituals. Like, he showed up at her place with a crow beak he found, threw it at her window to get her attention, then destroyed her garden gnome collection to assert dominance.

Jim:I'm pretty sure he learned this from some obscure Schrute family courting manual. It's like watching nature documentary, except the predator has a beet farm and poor social skills.

Todd Packer:I invented 'step zero' where you drug your coworkers with opposing effects so they can't unite against you. Some get uppers, some get downers. It's foolproof.

Pam:This cupcake is delicious. Where did you get it?

Jim:I made it.

Pam:Well, you're the best baker in the world, and I forgive you for every mean thing you've ever done to me.

Jim:What? I've never been mean to you.

Pam:I know, but I forgive you anyway. I forgive everyone. I forgive Dwight for being Dwight. I forgive Ryan for being Ryan.

Jim:So what's that big red thing in the field?

Pam:That's a combine harvester.

Jim:Right, right. And those animals over there?

Pam:Cows, Jim.

Jim:Of course. And they just... live here?

Pam:Yes, Jim. They live on the farm.

Jim:Do they pay rent?

Esther:Jim, you're terrible at milking. My father could milk a cow blindfolded.

Jim:Well, he's not here, so I guess we'll never know.

Phyllis:I just realized I spent $400 on handbags I don't even like.

Phyllis:And I've been married to Bob for 30 years... I think I should start dating other men.

Creed:I woke up in the parking lot last night. Don't remember how I got there. I peed on a Subaru.

Creed:That's not even the worst part of my night.

Andy:Kevin and I definitely did not spend the night together.

Kevin:Nope. Didn't see him at all.

Andy:I was nowhere near Kevin's place.

Kevin:Andy wasn't there. I would've noticed.

Andy:We barely know each other, honestly.

Kevin:Total strangers, basically.

Dwight:As the eldest, I will naturally assume full responsibility for Schrute Farms.

Fanny:Not it!

Jeb:Not it!

Dwight:You can't use 'not it' on a 4,000-acre farm!

Fanny:Too late. Not it.

Jeb:Yeah, Dwight. You're it.