Email Surveillance

Oh, my God. Oh!

Oh, we have a serious problem here. All right, everybody. Lock the doors. Turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.

What's your password, Michael? Um, it's... Oh. 1, 2, 3, 4. Yes.

Look at at this. Grr!

You could get a brain aneurysm... Or hit by a car... Or a bus or a train. You could get poisoned. Fall down a well. Step on a mine. Choke.

Okay, if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job. Okay?

There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary. That would depress them. His bed.

Sorry I didn't write back sooner. I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late.

Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.

I will destroy everything in my path. Actually, we just... Boop! Beep! Bop! Okay. Bonk! Boop boop. Oil can. Oil can. Tin Man.

The problem is that when people hear the term 'Big Brother' they immediately think it's scary or bad. But I don't. I think, 'Wow. I love my Big Brother.'

Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to delete all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.

It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross, but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead.

Yeast infections. There are huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're down river from that old bread factory.

No.

But maybe I need to be even approachabler.

This is a meal in a cup right here. Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmm.

The professors would go to the parties? Yeah. They were the most fun. We always invited them.

So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal. I just think if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax.

Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. He is very real.

'Cause it's a surprise... Is it? Mm-hmm... Oh, that's perfect.

Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.

Oh, it's the best. It is the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.

Liar! You are a liar. No, I'm not! Ohh.

I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight. Clarinet.

Hey, I love the Birkenstocks. Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car for special occasions.

Think about this. What is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That's why I always start with a gun because you can't top it. You just can't.

I'm not even in the scene! Boom! Boom! Boom!

And then Dwight would be like... You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it. Because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts.

Oh, no! Oh, yeah. You were so dorky! Thank you.

He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.

Can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else that we can talk about.

Well, you do mean you and Jim, right? Oh, God. I am so sorry. I mean, I thought... You guys hang out all the time. And you're talking all the time.

It's just a private friend who happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing.

Wow. Who opened the morgue for this thing?

He is a good guy. Not a terrorist.

We're making love!

The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street and a race car pulls up. And the guy says, 'Hey, you're funny. You're the funniest guy I've ever seen. Or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.' And that was an improv.

Um, the real way was that I found a flyer.