Safety Training

Drew. I'm Drew now. / Oh... Drew. / Sorry. / Apology not accepted.

And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.

You can call me Drew. / No, I'm not gonna call you that. / Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.

I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence.

I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug. / Okay, tell him that that's not true. / Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

Tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. / Jim! / Andy... Nah, that's too far.

And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.

I thought your name was Pudge. / No, it's always been Madge.

kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled... 'Hey, Darryl, how's it hangin'?'

Bail 'er? I hardly know her.

Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.

It's a big, red trash compactor. / It's not a trash compactor! It's a bailer.

Toby now has the floor. And he is going to try not to screw this up. Like everything else in his life.

Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like a half an hour every hour. / Take them at the same time.

Like sometimes, computers can explode. / Can they not? / No, no.

What about a long-sleeved tee? / Well, that'll work. / Long johns? A shawl?

Sedimentary. / Sedentary. / Yes, 'which can contribute to heart disease.' / Heart disease kills more people than bailers. / That's called having a fat butt, Michael.

Excuse me, Sea Monster, you weigh, like, 1,000 pounds. / Yeah, I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?

You live a sweet little NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it.

I worked in a warehouse... Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter.

Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.

51. / Oh, don't be that person. / Come on, that is lame. / It's a strategy. / It's called being smart.

He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours. / Okay... okay. / No, constantly... like, for years.

Nobody commits suicide because they work with a bailer.

You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball. Your hair sticks up straight. And you know science.

Because you know what our killer is? Depression. Wolves. Depression.

And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note... they might think, hey, I should've been nicer to Michael. But that's not why I'm doing this.

Ta-freakin'-da!

Ryan describing Netflix queue management in elaborate detail while others time him

You're such a ditz.

Maybe we should test this first, Letterman-style. Throw a TV over. / We measured it once. / Go buy some watermelons. / Seedless?

I found a potato.

Car alarm and crash aftermath response

If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini. See if he handles hate crimes.

Have Patch do it... or the sea monster.

I'm temporarily lifting the shun. / Thank you. / It means nothing.

You mean a moon bounce? / What do you think? You've got an hour. / I'm gonna need petty cash. / Shunning resumed.

Do you... do you want a drawbridge? / Un-shun. / Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.

When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.

If we keep doing them, I'm not gonna want to jump. / This is about doing, not thinking.

Is it nice outside? / It's gorgeous. Let's go! / Do I need my jacket? / No, really, it's very nice. / Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T? / Everyone's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out? / Dwight, you ignorant slut.

If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride in the second show. / Um... / Might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee.

Hey, check it out. There's a castle over there. / Oh, my God. There is a castle. / No, there's nothing to see over there, people. There's nothing to see.

He's going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.

It's, uh... A Repliee Q1 Expo female robot. They're only available in Japan. / Dwight, you are such a liar.

You told me that I lead a... a cushy, wimpy, NERF life. / Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.

I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you. / Do you really mean that? / I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

You Braveheart, man. / I Braveheart. I am.

Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.