The Convict

Hey, look at me! I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from Look Who's Talking. What am I thinking? Look at all those staplers. What's a stapler? I don't even know. I'm a baby.

Hey, Mom! I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty, Mama. I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from. Breasts!

Awkward silence after Michael's breast comment

Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. I'm just kidding.

Oh, you are such a racist. Wait, why am I a racist? Because you think he's black. He is black, right?

like a white guy... who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake.

He was probably at a sporting event and saw some people pushing each other. And he intervened. Why would anyone go to jail for that?

As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that.

I am so horny.

Tell me about that Indian chick Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.

That would be fun for no one.

Dwight's panicked overreaction to hearing about the convict

I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsie.

She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags with the old guy.

And that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb person, okay?

As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust, and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam, tell me a white person you trust. My dad. Danny Glover.

Jesus. Apollo Creed.

Close your eyes. Picture a convict... That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like I what I do here every day.

It was a little bit bigger than Michael's office. But you know, I really only slept there.

Kind of sounds like prison's better than Dunder-Mifflin. I would so rather be in prison.

You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow. Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em.

Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There's no getting around it.

Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?

Pam's stunned reaction to Andy's pig Latin approach

What is that, like, five pounds? It's two and half. I'm not going for bulk. I'm going for tone.

These people do realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.

But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice? Yep, that's perfect.

I'm Prison Mike. You know why they call me Prison Mike?

Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?

You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap. Don't drop the soap.

Where did you learn all of this? Internet. So not prison. And prison. It's 50/50. Both.

I kidnapped the President's son and held him for ransom. That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike. An I never got caught neither.

Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelets. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

The worst thing about prison was... was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place, and they were scary.

Dementors like in Harry Potter? No, not Harry Potter. There were no movies in prison.

There were certain elements of what you performed I've seen on television, but it didn't remind me of my time in prison.

They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom.

They're teasing you. To be funny.

Time off for good behavior!

And that is not because he is black.