Chair Model

Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.

Nature.

I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.

I will quit. As God is my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed.

Some of us like the walk more than others. KEVIN: It hurts like hell.

But instead you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair.

(IMITATING CHAIR MECHANISM) I really want it.

She dresses like a professional, and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch. Or in a great chair.

I definitely remember your dinner party.

I think what I meant was that I am completely swearing off one woman. Jan.

Actually, I put the catalogue in your hand, 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.

And I'm optimistic, because every day I get a little more desperate, and desperate situations yield the quickest results.

When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.

If I had somebody to set you up with, Michael, then I'd take her for myself.

I thought you were engaged.

She's... You don't deserve her.

Hello, Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl-type friends who trust you implicitly, because they know you'd never touch 'em because of your condition.

F'eisty? So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?

Could we share a rowboat? Could a rowboat support her?

Would an average-sized rowboat support her without capsizing?

It bothers me that you're not answering the question.

No, all right? No, she can't fit in a rowboat.

Damn it! I knew it! I knew it, Phyllis!

Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but, shorn't.

What part of 'shorn't' don't you understand, Kevin?

There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.

Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend, anyway. He can just deal with it.

Your mom.

Hot and juicy redhead.

This isn't Wendy. I'm sorry. Could you put her on, please? Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant.

Could I just have a F'rosty and a baked potato, please? You have to come to the restaurant to order food. Well, I'll send somebody to pick it up, just have it ready. It's ready now. Well, put it aside.

I will find her, and I will bring her to you. And as God is my witness, she shall bear your fruit.

F'irst, go to Wendy's, get my food, come back, and then go.

Deborah Shoshlefski, 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead, car accident. Case closed.

As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.

Try not to be so hurtful, Jim. Jim, how dare you? Please, not at a time like this.

Is she hot?

No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.

We need to assemble the F'ive F'amilies. No, not the F'ive F'amilies. We have to!

They call him 'Cool Guy' Paul.

Grade A badass.

Bill Cress is super old and really mean.

Give her a 10 for her looks, and a three for her ability to describe herself.

Is who Michael what?

You're asking me what I do with the checks that people write to me?

And you can't see her whole body, down here, she has a boob job.

It was like talking to the sweet, old lady on the bus.

That's incredibly rude. Now you ruined it.

Andrew Bernard is the name of me, and this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.

(STAMMERING) I have things.

Could've done this over e-mail.

It's just nice to win one.

Margaret the landlady? Really, Pam? Is that what you think of me?

I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man of intensity. Of cool, and youth, and passionately.

You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment.

You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.

Maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend, 'cause he's kind of a slob, too.

I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged. Have I not proposed to you yet? I don't... No. Oh. Well, that's coming.

No, I'm not gonna do it right here. That would be rather lame.

And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So, stay sharp.

I am not kidding.

Got it a week after we started dating.

There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say goodbye. I think you need to say goodbye.

I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-Pack, the guy who wakes up every morning in his $400-a-month apartment, wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders, 'How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?'

I guess you could say she died of blunt-force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hangar.

She was stoned, apparently.

You know, I used to think that I had this perfect person out there, waiting for me. But now I know that that's just silly. Because she's dead.

You wait till next year's chair catalogue comes out, and you find someone who's still alive.

My shoe is untied. What is your problem? Oh, my God! You thought I... No, no, no. How could I have thought that?

(SINGING TO THE TUNE OF AMERICAN PIE) Bye, bye Miss chair model lady I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice We had lots of kids Drinking whiskey and rye But why'd you have to go off and die? Why'd you have to go off and die?

(BOTH SINGING) You believe in rock 'n' roll? Can music save your mortal soul?