Chair Model

Pam:It's such a lovely street. The neighbors are so friendly.

Jim:There's a junkyard dog that bites people.

Jim:Bleak.

Michael:You know what the worst part about the parking situation is? It's not the walking. It's not even the gas prices. It's that I lost a penny in my shoe and I can't find it.

Michael:I will quit. I will quit right now. I swear on the Bible.

Michael:I'm done. This is it. One penny in my shoe and that's all it takes.

Jim:That was quite a walk.

Kevin:That was terrible.

Pam:You were picking out a chair for forty-five minutes.

Michael:I was very thorough.

Pam:You were talking to the catalog model.

Jim:I want Michael's old chair.

Jim:*makes mechanical sounds* Whirrrr... click click click... *spins around* Ahhhhh...

Michael:She's got this thing about her, you know? Like, I picture her at home, maybe she's doing laundry, folding clothes real slow...

Michael:And she's thinking about me the whole time.

Michael:Do you remember my dinner party?

Pam:Oh yeah, I remember it.

Michael:I'm swearing off women. I'm done. No more dating, no more relationships.

Jim:That's great, Michael. Really mature of you.

Michael:Well, actually, I'm swearing off one specific woman.

Michael:It was fate. Fate put that catalogue in my hands.

Pam:Actually, I put it on your desk.

Michael:You know, I'm actually very optimistic about dating. Because desperation is attractive. Women love a man who needs them. And I need them. So... women love me.

Creed:I need three chairs. When I get them, I'll finally be complete.

Michael:Toby, you gotta set me up with someone. You know a lot of people.

Toby:I do know people, but honestly? If I knew a woman who was actually good, I'd keep her for myself.

Michael:Wait, what? You're married?

Toby:She just... she didn't understand me. After five years together, she said I was emotionally unavailable.

Michael:That's rough, man. You know what? You're a great guy. Any woman would be lucky to have you.

Toby:Thanks, Michael. I appreciate that.

Michael:I mean, granted, she was right to leave you, but... you know, statistically someone out there has to want you.

Michael:Oscar, I need your help. I'm trying to get back out there, and I figure if anyone knows how to attract women, it's you.

Oscar:Why would you think that?

Michael:Well, you know... your people are very sensual.

Phyllis:She's very feisty.

Michael:Well, as long as she's not one of those jolly opera singers. Those things scare me.

Michael:Is she heavy? Because I was thinking we could go out on a rowboat together, and I really don't want it to tip.

Michael:If I'm in a rowboat and I drop my keys in the water, why can't I just scoop them up?

Michael:Oh right, because water isn't a light, it's dark and murky.

Michael:So even if I wanted to, I couldn't see them. Plus, I'd probably capsize the boat trying to reach down.

Michael:And the boat is wooden, right? So it's going to get waterlogged and sink even faster.

Michael:Unless it has some kind of flotation device built in, which most rowboats don't.

Michael:Phyllis, why won't you just answer the question? It's simple. Would you rather be in a rowboat with a alligator, or a crocodile?

Phyllis:Michael, I don't want to be in a rowboat with either of them.

Michael:That's not the point! You have to choose one. It's not that complicated.

Michael:Phyllis, do you have a rowboat?

Phyllis:No, Michael, I don't have a rowboat.

Michael:Are you sure? Not even a small one?

Phyllis:Yes, I'm sure. I don't have a rowboat.

Michael:What about your husband? Does Bob have a rowboat?

Phyllis:No! Michael, why do you keep asking this? We don't have a rowboat. We've never had a rowboat. We will never have a rowboat!

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. So your friend is so fat that she can't fit in a rowboat? That's what you're telling me? That's... that's amazing. I mean, that's sad, but it's also amazing. This is the best day of my life.

Michael:I shorn't.

Michael:What? It's a word. Shorn't. Past tense of sharn't.

Kevin:That's not a word.

Michael:It is now. I'm adding it to the dictionary. Shorn't. Look it up.

Kevin:It's not in the dictionary.

Michael:Well, it will be. I'm calling Merriam-Webster right now.

Michael:I need everyone to submit a dating card. Just write down what you're looking for in a woman.

Stanley:I'm looking for a woman who will go to the end of the earth for me. I'm also looking for a woman who will take me to the end of the earth and throw me off.

Phyllis:So I set him up with Erin anyway. Because that's what I do. I'm petty, but I'm also helpful.

Kevin:Your mom.

Kevin:I was thinking of submitting a photo of myself to one of those modeling agencies.

Jim:Kevin, that's great. What photo are you gonna use?

Kevin:I was thinking this one. It really captures my good side.

Pam:Kevin, that's a Wendy's advertisement.

Kevin:I know. I'm the guy in the back.

Michael:Hi, yes, I'm calling about Kevin? Kevin from the office?

Wendy's Employee:I'm sorry, sir, this is Wendy's.

Michael:Oh. Oh no. That's... that's not good.

Michael:I know this is Wendy's, but I'd like to place an order for delivery to the office anyway.

Wendy's Employee:Sir, we don't do delivery.

Michael:Well, that's not very customer service oriented. Look, I'm a regional manager, I know about running a business. Just write down the order.

Wendy's Employee:I can't help you, sir.

Michael:You know what? I'm going to speak to your manager about this.

Dwight:I will find her. I will find this woman. And I will bring her back to Dunder Mifflin. I don't know how long it will take. Could be weeks, could be months, could be years. But I will find her.

Dwight:Michael, I need your help on a quest of epic proportions.

Michael:Dwight, I would love to help, but I gotta run to Subway and get a meatball marinara before they stop serving lunch menu items.

Dwight:But Michael, this could change everything.

Michael:Dwight, a 6-inch or a footlong? I'm not thinking clearly on an empty stomach.

Dwight:I'm calling all the chair companies, asking for the model number.

Dwight:Finally found it. It's a Craftmatic adjustable bed.

Dwight:I tracked down the girl in the picture.

Dwight:She's dead.

Dwight:She's dead. It's like Toy Story, but if Woody was dead.

Jim:You didn't even know what model the chair was.

Michael:Wow. Wow. That is a low blow, Jim. That is a low blow. You know what? I may not know the model of the chair, but I know the model of a friend. And you, sir, are not it.

Michael:I'm not ready to date. I'm still grieving.

Pam:My friend Sarah is single.

Michael:Is she hot?

Michael:You know what? I'm done. I'm officially done with dating. Women don't want a guy like me anyway.

Michael:I'm too old, too bald, and way too much of a mess. Plus I have the emotional intelligence of a golden retriever.

Michael:But you know what? That's fine. I'm just gonna focus on my kids and pretend I'm happy being alone.

Andy:This parking lot situation is like something out of The Godfather. These office park businesses, they're like the five families of commerce.

Kevin:What are you talking about?

Andy:It's a turf war, Kevin. A turf war. Someone's gonna end up sleeping with the fishes... in the retention pond.

Andy:So we have the five families of the mafia, right? And then there's this guy who owns a disaster kit company, and his nickname is just... 'The Preparedness Guy.'

Andy:W.B. Jones is an HVAC company owner. He's basically the Rockefeller of the heating and cooling industry. The man is a visionary. A titan of temperature control. When he walks into a room, people don't just feel comfortable — they feel understood.

Andy:This is Jerry Philbin. He owns a tool and die shop.

Andy:Jerry makes tools. And dies.

Michael:You know, I have to say, your communication skills are... they're really something. You're very... vague. It's like talking to a fortune cookie, except the fortune cookie would probably be clearer.

Landlady:Are you Michael Scott?

Michael:I'm... Scott Michael? No, wait — Michael... Scot. Just Scot. With one T. I'm very much a one-T kind of guy.

Michael:So, Margaret, how much do you charge for rent?

Margaret:I... I don't charge rent. This is my house.

Michael:This is Jan, my ex. She had some work done. Nose job, chin implant, new breasts. She looks like a... like a creature.

Michael:You know, Margaret reminded me of this woman I saw on the bus once. She was just sitting there, taking up two seats, eating a sandwich, not making eye contact with anyone. I thought to myself, 'That's leadership right there.'

Margaret:Well, I am a bus lady. But I'm not just any bus lady. I'm a bus lady with a dream.

Michael:What's your dream?

Margaret:To run you over.

Andy:Greetings. I am Andrew Bernard, Regional Director of this Dunder Mifflin branch. I come before you today not as a man, but as a representative of a venerable paper distribution institution. I hope we can establish a mutually beneficial relationship characterized by respect, professional courtesy, and minimal confrontation.

Kevin:I'm Kevin, Andy's associate. Well, sort of associate. I mean, I work with Andy. In the same office. Sometimes.

Andy:I've called this emergency meeting of the Five Families to discuss a matter of grave importance.

Michael:What is it? Is someone hurt?

Andy:Worse. Someone took my parking spot.

Dwight:This is serious.

Jim:No, it's not.

Andy:I'm going to need to see the security footage. I want to know who, what, when, where, and why.

Pam:It's just a parking spot, Andy.

Andy:JUST a parking spot? Pam, that spot has my name on it!

Michael:It does not have your name on it.

Andy:You know, I got us a great parking spot. But honestly... I need these small wins. I need to feel like I'm winning at something.

Michael:Age-appropriate? What does that even mean? I'm not looking for someone age-appropriate, I'm looking for someone who appreciates me. Someone who gets me.

Michael:I mean, just because I'm forty-five doesn't mean I need to date a forty-five-year-old. That's discrimination. That's like... that's like racial profiling but for age.

Michael:I could date a twenty-five-year-old. I have the maturity of a twenty-five-year-old. Everyone says so.

Michael:I'm not looking for sweet. I'm not looking for companionate. I'm looking for a woman who respects the fact that I'm a man. A man who knows what he wants. A man who's going to take charge. A man who's going to be the boss. A man who's going to... whose going to...

Michael:Margaret, you're a terrible landlady. You're cheap, you're incompetent, and frankly, you smell like cabbage.

Pam:Michael, she owns the building.

Michael:If I ever lost my home, who would take me in?

Pam:Nobody would take you in, Michael. You're a terrible roommate. You'd eat all the food, leave dishes everywhere, blast your music at all hours, and worst of all, you'd try to be friends with my boyfriend.

Pam:You could always stay with Jim. God knows he needs someone to talk to.

Pam:So when are we moving in together?

Jim:Wait, we're not already living together?

Pam:No, Jim.

Jim:Oh. Well, I guess I should probably propose first, huh?

Jim:No, not here. That would be like every other proposal in the history of proposals.

Jim:I'm going to propose to Pam, and if anyone tries to stop me, I will hurt you.

Jim:I'm serious, Pam. If you don't marry me, I'm going to find someone who will.

Pam:*laughs*

Jim:I'm not joking. There are a lot of desperate women out there.

Jim:I've actually had the ring for like three years.

Pam:What?

Jim:Yeah, I've been ready to propose since before we even moved in together. I just wanted to find the right moment, you know?

Jim:You know what? I think I'm gonna start dating the girl from the Pottery Barn catalogue.

Michael:What?

Jim:Yeah, I'm gonna treat her real nice, buy her things, take her places...

Michael:Jim, that's not funny.

Jim:I'm serious. At least she'll never leave me for some guy in New York.

Andy:I found a spot! I found a spot right up front. This little guy was struggling to parallel park, so I helped him out.

Andy:Yeah, he was really short. Like, unusually short. Had to stand on his tippy-toes to see over the steering wheel.

Andy:I think he might have been a dwarf. Or a very young child. Hard to tell with the sun in my eyes.

Andy:Anyway, he was very grateful. Shook my hand. Well, shook my knee. That's how short he was.

Michael:How did she die?

Jim:It was a dark and stormy night. She was walking along the edge of a cliff, her silhouette backlit by lightning. One wrong step. She tumbled down the rocky face, her body slamming against the jagged rocks below. Blood pooled beneath her as the rain washed it away into the darkness. Her final scream echoed through the canyon, unheard by anyone who could have saved her.

Michael:What? Your aunt?

Jim:No, I'm just messing with you. She had a heart attack.

Jim:Oh, and he was bald.

Michael:You know what? I've been thinking about this chair model situation, and I realize my perfect woman is dead.

Michael:You know what? We should move on from this dead chair model thing. I've got a better idea.

Michael:We use the Dunder Mifflin catalogue as a dating profile. Women flip through it, they see quality products, they see quality man.

Michael:It's genius. It's like catalogue-based dating. I'm thinking we call it 'Dunder Love' or 'Mifflin Matches.'

Jim:Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

Pam:Oh my God.

Jim:I just need to tie my shoe.

Pam:Oh.

Jim:What did you think I was doing?

Pam:Nothing!

Jim:You thought I was proposing!

Pam:No, I didn't.

Michael:She was a chair model. I was just a paper salesman. We could never be together.

Michael:But in my dreams... *singing* She sat so gracefully, her legs crossed just right, the way she looked at the camera with such poise and elegance. Why did you have to leave me, Jade? Why?

Michael:This one time, at band camp, I thought of you...

Dwight:Michael, that's from American Pie.

Michael:I know.

Dwight:This one time, at Schrute Farms, I thought of you...