The Deposition

Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a post-it note telling him who's on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out. He loved it so much. The thing is, he doesn't get that many calls. So he has me make them up every ten minutes.

But I have the most important client sitting right in front of me... my boss.

My house, my rules... I insist. I insist you take your work calls.

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The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.

Pat-tern. Patt-ern. My friend friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that.

No, I want it up. My hair.

Disree. My friend Disree got new specs. Disree spect. My friend Inapro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.

That's 4 million. $4 million! Man! That is a lot of guacamole. Lot of green. Lotta green.

And I've also thrown in some ers and ahs just to make it seem like it's not memorized. Perfect crime.

I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna throw up. Fine, just a second. Hold on.

A good start. And I think it's 'busload.' Yeah, but rich lawyers took the bus.

My boyfriend is 12.

I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, 'Your mom is so fat, she could eat internet.' But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, 'You're ugly, and I know it for a fact, 'cause I got the evidence right there.'

Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball. Jim couldn't hit a ping-pong ball of the size of the moon. Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at ping-pong?

Yesh.

People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like... ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

I haven't actually seen it. But I have seen The Firm, and I plan on renting The Pelican Brief.

That's what she said.

Come again? That's what she said.

Delivery's all wrong. She's butchering it.

To be delicate, they hang off milady's chest. They... make milk.

And, frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant.

Well, depends on how you define 'began.' If it was from the first time we shook hands, it's like six years ago. The first time we kissed, it's like two years ago. From the first time we kissed sober, it was four months after that.

Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself? I did? Yes. Can I go to the bathroom? I really have to. I've been drinking lots of water. You went 5 minutes ago. It wasn't to go to the bathroom. but to get out of a question. You've to answer it. First, can I go to the bathroom? No.

All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wong Tao, Jorg Rosskopf, and, of course, Ashraf Helmy. I even have a life-size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go to the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere. Jan almost everywhere. Hee hee. Oh, diary, what a week. I had sex with my boss. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere. Jan was very specific that this is not going anywhere. That it was a one-time mistake. But we had sex six times, so you tell me. I am definitely feeling very eerie.

Irie. Irie, sorry.

Could you make it 11?

When I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They both wanted custody. And they both asked me to testify against the other one in court. So, I don't know. I didn't want them to get divorced in the first place. I loved them both so much. I just wanted...

You e-mailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.

Not a woman, just a cool, great-looking best friend.

I'm out of carrots. I'm out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and reassigned to sales, where he belongs.

Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.

Oh, no, no. He works here, dumb-ass.

See? I was number one contender. I was being groomed.

No.

Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your boyfriend, 'Cause, 'cause, 'cause he sucks at ping-pong.

I think you're a nice guy too.

But she already brought the diary with her to New York. So... You expect to get screwed by your company. But you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.

Chinese was my cheap suggestion.