The Deposition

Michael:Pam, I need you to call me during meetings. Make it sound important.

Pam:How often?

Michael:Every ten minutes or so.

Pam:Michael, you don't get any calls. I'm going to have to invent fake ones.

Michael:I know. Just make them sound real.

Michael:I need to take this call. It's my most important client.

Michael:Ryan? Hey buddy, it's Michael. Just checking in on you.

Michael:Ryan, you cannot take that call. I am your boss and I forbid it.

Michael:Actually, you know what? Take the call. But take it in the conference room. And close the door quietly.

Michael:Jan is suing the company for sexual harassment. But here's the thing - she got breast augmentation, which I think shows a lot of courage. I mean, that's not something you do for a man, that's something you do for yourself.

Michael:Okay, so I need to remember these legal terms. Let me create a mnemonic device. Friend Pat Took A Turn. F-P-T-A-T. See? Easy to remember.

Dwight:That doesn't spell anything, Michael.

Michael:It spells Friend Pat Took A Turn, Dwight. Come on, keep up.

Michael:Jan, can you put the top down? I'm getting a little queasy.

Jan:No, Michael. I just had my hair done.

Michael:Okay, okay, I got another one. R-A-P-E... Radishes Are Pretty Excellent.

Michael:No wait, that doesn't work. Um, uh... Rarely Are People Eating.

Michael:And then for B-N... Behind Neighbor. Wait, no, that sounds—

Michael:You know what, forget it.

Michael:With four million dollars, I could buy a lot of guacamole.

Michael:I mean, a lotta green.

Michael:I've been preparing for my testimony. I've memorized key facts, practiced my delivery, really thought through my answers.

Michael:The key is to commit to the lie completely. No hesitation, no second-guessing. That's what makes it a perfect crime.

Michael:If you don't put the top down, I'm going to vomit in your car.

Jan:Oh my God, fine!

Lawyer:A busload of lawyers drove off a cliff. At the bottom, one lawyer survived. He looked up and said, 'Thank God for the one honest lawyer in the bunch.'

Michael:That's not how that joke goes. The lawyer at the bottom says, 'Well, that's one less lawyer.' And then he's sad because he made a lot of money off those guys.

Pam:Jim plays ping-pong, and I bring him juice.

Pam:We're basically in an adult relationship now.

Kelly:Okay, so trash talk is when you talk trash about someone, like 'Your mama's so fat...' But smack talk is when you talk smack about someone, like 'Your face is so ugly...'

Kelly:Like, you could say 'I hope you step on a Lego' or 'I hope you eat internet.'

Kelly:And you, cameraman, you look like a thumb.

Kelly:Jim? More like Jim-othy the Lame. His face looks like a foot had a baby with a thumb.

Kelly:And his hair? It's not even a real style. It's just what happens when you don't care about anything, which is basically Jim's whole personality.

Kelly:He probably sleeps with his socks on. Both feet AND his hands, because he has no idea what normal people do.

Kelly:Jim probably makes out with his cousin at family reunions while they play ping-pong. That's his idea of romance.

Court Official:Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Michael:Yesh.

Jan:Michael is an excellent manager. He's great with people, he's decisive, he's...

Jan:...he's really good at ice skating.

Michael:Oh, the plaintiff? I've known about them for... I mean, is that like a Denzel Washington movie? Because I've seen all those legal thrillers. Philadelphia, A Few Good Men... I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about here.

Michael:That's what she said.

Lawyer:Can you repeat your statement?

Michael:Can you repeat your statement?

Lawyer:No, your statement.

Michael:Your statement.

Lawyer:Come again?

Michael:Come again.

Lawyer:That's what she said.

Michael:No, no, no. You gotta pause before the punchline. That's what... she said. The pause is what makes it funny.

Michael:Jan, you have... those... um... well, they're very... perky. Like two... round... assets. Really top-notch... upper... chest... situation. I mean, they really... you know, they could practically... make milk.

Michael:It's pretty predominant that Jan got fired right after her surgery.

Michael:Well, technically, it started two years ago when we were both drunk at the Christmas party and made out in the parking lot.

Jan:Michael, we agreed never to talk about that.

Michael:Right, right. So, officially, it started last year.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Can I get my card back? I need to see what I'm supposed to say here.

Michael:Oh right, right. Um... I was in the bathroom.

Michael:Okay, so I WAS in the bathroom. But that was to avoid these questions.

Dwight:I've been playing competitive ping-pong since I was four years old. I know every player on the professional circuit. I can tell you their strengths, their weaknesses, their personal lives. I once drove eight hours to watch a regional tournament in Pennsylvania just to see Soren Larsen play. Most people don't even know who Soren Larsen is. I do. I know everything about him.

Lawyer:According to your diary entry from March 15th, you state that you and your partner were intimate six times that evening.

Michael:That's... that's not accurate.

Lawyer:So you're denying the diary entry?

Michael:No, I'm denying the six times. It was seven.

Lawyer:And you also wrote that you were 'feeling very eerie' afterward. Can you explain that?

Michael:That was a typo. I meant 'weary.'

Michael:It's pronounced 'irie', not 'eerie'. It's Jamaican slang. It means everything is good, everything is cool.

Lawyer:We'll make 10 copies of your diary.

Michael:Can you make it 11? I want one for myself.

Jim:Hey, Michael, I know this is tough right now.

Michael:You don't understand, Jim. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Jim:What do you mean? What happened?

Michael:When I was a kid, my dad left me at a Sandals Jamaica resort. Alone. For three days.

Jim:That's... wow, that's terrible.

Michael:And that's exactly what's happening now. Except this time, the resort is Dunder Mifflin.

Jan:You shared my diary with the whole office?

Michael:Jan, I can explain...

Jan:And you sent that photo to everyone too?

Michael:It was a mistake, it was an accident.

Jan:An accident? Michael, that was a topless photo!

Michael:No, no, no. Ryan is not as hot as Jan. Ryan is great-looking, don't get me wrong, but Jan is a woman and Ryan is... Ryan.

Michael:Okay, um... 'Jan Levinson-Gould has no business acumen whatsoever. She is merely a figurehead for the Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch. She has no leadership skills, and her management style is completely ineffective. She relies too heavily on carrots and sticks, and not enough on... positive reinforcement and the human touch.'

Dwight:Jim has improved significantly. He's gone from being completely terrible to just being regular terrible.

Jim:So this is a really important client meeting?

Darryl:Nah man, I work in the warehouse. You thought you were gonna close some big deal with a warehouse guy? Come on, Jim. You're not that good at your job.

Michael:Wait, so I'm getting Jan's job?

HR:No, you were just one of the candidates they considered.

Michael:Right, so I'm getting Jan's job. That's what 'considered' means. They considered me, and now I have it.

HR:No, Michael, they considered several people.

Michael:Exactly! And they're going to choose me. I'm the most considerate choice.

David Wallace:No.

Kelly:Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? It's not fair to the ball!

David Wallace:Michael, I want to apologize. I know things have been difficult, but I respect you.

Michael Scott:Oh, so now I'm a nice guy? Because last week during the deposition you said I was a 'nice guy' like it was a bad thing. Like being nice was somehow a flaw. Well, you know what? I am a nice guy. And I'm proud of it.

Michael:I testified against Jan because she was going to betray me anyway. She had this whole plan, and I was just... I was just a pawn in her game.

Michael:Jan, we need to cut back on expenses. We can't keep eating out like this.

Jan:What are you talking about? Chinese food is cheap.

Michael:Cheap? We spent forty dollars last night alone.

Jan:That's cheap for us.