Stress Relief

Dwight:I have already prepared a new safety presentation. This time, I will use a real fire to demonstrate proper evacuation procedures. As they say, experience is the best teacher.

Dwight:Fire safety should prevent smoking. I will demonstrate the proper fire drill procedure.

Dwight:I'm going to smoke a cigarette right here to create a real fire emergency.

Jim:Dwight, what are you doing?

Dwight:Creating a teachable moment. Everyone needs to evacuate immediately.

Michael:Everyone stay calm! I'm a trained professional. I know exactly what to do in an emergency.

Michael:What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?!

Michael:Someone tell me what to do!

Michael:Everyone, stay calm! Stay calm!

Dwight:REMAIN COMPOSED! DO NOT PANIC!

Michael:Calmly exit in an orderly fashion!

Dwight:ORDERLY! NOW! MOVE!

Michael:Human life is precious. Every single person deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. We are all connected in this great tapestry of...

Phyllis:Michael, you're blocking the microwave.

Michael:...existence.

Michael:Alright everyone, stay calm. I'm taking charge of the evacuation. Follow me in an orderly fashion.

Michael:Every man for himself!

Angela:I can't do it! I'm too heavy!

Oscar:Angela, you weigh 82 pounds.

Angela:Exactly! Too heavy!

Angela:I have to save Sprinkles!

Angela:Here, kitty!

Angela:The fire is coming at us! The fire is attacking!

Michael:Stanley, Stanley! Stay with me. You're a black man.

Michael:Has that ever happened to you before? Being black?

Dwight:Fire drills are like electricity and shampoo - misunderstood innovations that people resist until they realize how essential they are.

Dwight:I heed the warning. He heeds the warning. We have all heeded warnings in the past. I am currently heeding—no, wait. I have been heeding. Or perhaps I am heeding presently while simultaneously having heeded previously...

Dwight:The point is, I have heedered the utmost importance of this meeting. We must all heed with the greatest of heedful heedance.

Michael:Did you just tell me to shove down?

Corporate Executive:No, I said scoot down. Move your chair.

Michael:Oh my God, I thought you were asking me to do something very aggressive.

Michael:I'm very concerned about the safety of my employees. You know, a man's life is precious.

Michael:Wait, did I say 'mars life'? I meant man's life.

Michael:You know what the difference is between a hospital and an office? A hospital is a place where people go to die. An office is a place where people go... not to die.

Michael:You know what? This office, this paper company, this is where dreams come true. People spend their entire lives wishing they could work at a place like this. And you guys, you're living the dream.

Stanley:I'm not a vengeful man, but I will find you, and I will hurt you.

Stanley:You better watch your back, buddy.

Stanley:I have a gun at home. Several, actually.

Stanley:But that's not who I am anymore.

Stanley:I'm just a broken man looking for love.

Andy:Your Majesty.

Stanley:What are you doing?

Andy:I've procured a royal wheelchair for you, sir. Shall we take a turn about the estate?

CPR Instructor:The ABC of CPR: Airway, Breathing, Circulation.

Jim:Isn't that also Always Be Closing? That's what they teach us in sales.

Michael:I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I didn't.

Michael:Stanley, I want you to know that you are a valued member of this team, and your contributions are... are... look, the point is, when you do the thing that you do, it does the thing that makes the company go... forward... sideways... sometimes diagonal, but always with purpose and... integrity... I think.

Stanley:You know, I've been thinking about my heart attack, and I realized something. This office... this is my casket. I'm already dead.

Michael:You know what? I'm going to say something, and I want you to really hear me on this. Okay? I have a lot of respect for disabled people. A lot of respect. But Kevin, you're just lazy.

Kevin:Wait, 100 beats per minute? Let me convert that to an hourly rate. That's 6000 compressions per hour. I can do that. I'm already used to repetitive tasks.

CPR Instructor:You should perform CPR to the beat of Staying Alive by the Bee Gees.

Kelly:♪ At first I was afraid, I was petrified... ♪

CPR Instructor:Wait, weren't you in the parking lot earlier?

Creed:Yeah, that was me.

CPR Instructor:I thought so. We're gonna need you to leave.

Dwight:The dummy is dead. We need to harvest the organs immediately. Fresh organs are only viable for a short window. I'm going to need a cooler, some ice, and a list of potential recipients.

Dwight:I have no idea what you're talking about. I was simply preparing this dummy for organ harvesting. A skill I've been perfecting.

Dwight:A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Dwight:I did my research. In The Silence of the Lambs, it took him like three years to skin a woman. I got through a dummy in forty-five minutes.

David:This CPR training thing is a disaster. It's costing us thousands of dollars.

Michael:Yeah, but look at the bright side. Dwight finally learned not to mutilate humans.

Jim:We don't pirate movies because... well, honestly, we just don't know how.

Andy:This movie is amazing!

Jim:Yeah, so what do you think is going to happen with Pam's parents?

Pam:I don't know. My mom won't even talk to me about it.

Andy:Wait, we're not talking about the movie anymore, are we?

Dwight:I apologize.

Michael:Why did you read my apology?

Dwight:I felt no regret.

Dwight:Yes, that's right. I am responsible for Stanley's lifetime of unhealthy habits. I force-fed him cheeseburgers. I made him sedentary. I whispered in his ear every morning, 'Stanley, have another donut.'

Andy:So this fake movie, right? Nicole Kidman was actually attached to star in it back in 2003. We had the whole thing lined up with a major studio. But then she got pregnant, so we had to recast. We brought in Charlize Theron, but she wanted too much creative control. Then we had Reese Witherspoon interested, but her agent kept saying no. Finally we just said forget it and shelved the whole project.

Pam:Did my dad open up to you about his marriage problems?

Jim:No, we mostly just talked about cereal.

Michael:Okay everyone, close your eyes. Feel the energy around you. Let your mind drift to a peaceful place.

Michael:Notice the gentle rise and fall of your chest as you breathe. Very sensual.

Creed:You know, in the summer of '69, I was high for three days straight. This music takes me back.

Michael:You are walking through a beautiful forest. The sun is shining through the trees. You come upon a clearing, and there's a castle. You walk up to the castle, and the door opens. Inside, there's a feast laid out before you.

Michael:You eat the feast. Then you walk outside, and you see a... a bag of weed. So you smoke it.

Michael:And then you get really hungry, so you go back inside the castle and you eat more of the feast.

Michael:And that's the end of the meditation.

Stanley:I want chocolate ice cream.

Michael:Well, I'm glad you said that, because I think we've come a long way as a society. Racism is over.

Michael:That's what she said! No wait, that's what he said. Because Oscar is a man. And he's... you know.

Michael:Wait... I'm the problem? I'm like the murderer in a murder mystery movie, except the murderer is me, and the victim is... everyone's productivity.

Jim:You know, I was reading this thing about divorce statistics. Did you know that like 50% of marriages end in divorce? So really, your parents are just being statistically average.

Pam:That's... not helping.

Jim:No, no, I'm saying they're not failures. They're just... mathematically predictable.

Michael:You know, 'boss' used to mean cool. Like, 'that's boss!' That's awesome!

Michael:So I became a manager because I thought it would make me cool.

Michael:Okay everyone, I'm going to do a roast. You know, to reduce stress in the office.

Jim:Michael, I don't think that's a good idea.

Michael:No, no, no. It's fine. A roast is a celebration. We all say mean things about each other, and then we hug it out at the end.

Dwight:Actually, sir, that's not quite how—

Michael:Dwight, you're going down first. You're like a beet. Red, angry, and you belong in the ground.

Dwight:...What?

Michael:It's a roast, Dwight! It's all in good fun!

Pam:Michael, maybe we should stop.

Michael:No way. Ryan, you're a temp. Which means you're temporary, like your relevance in this office. And your hair looks like a used Brillo pad.

Ryan:Okay, that's mean.

Michael:That's the point! And then we all laugh and hug!

Angela:Michael, I must say, your behavior has been completely unacceptable and morally reprehensible.

Angela:However, if it means I get to tell everyone about it and make you look bad, I'm willing to overlook my principles.

Michael:Opens with offensive comment about short person at microphone

Kelly:I'd rather make out with Kevin.

Kelly:I'd rather make out with a cactus.

Kelly:I'd rather make out with Voldemort.

Meredith:Michael hit me with his car.

Michael:You know what, Dwight? I'm sick of this. You're not even a real person. You're like if a beet came to life and became a liability. You dress like a Depression-era funeral director, you have the social skills of a scarecrow, and frankly, I don't think you could successfully navigate your way out of a paper bag, or any land.

Oscar:Michael, you can't possibly believe those Nigerian prince emails are real.

Michael:Oscar, how do you know they're not real? Maybe one of them actually IS a prince.

Oscar:They're scams, Michael. Classic advance-fee fraud.

Michael:Well, I've responded to seventeen of them, and I'm very close with at least three princes now. We're basically best friends.

Oscar:You sent them money?

Michael:Just to help them transfer their funds! Once they get their money, they're going to split it with me. I'm going to be rich, Oscar.

Kelly:It's like the Shuffle.

Michael:You know, we're like a family here. Everyone in this office is family to me.

Darryl:That's nice, Michael.

Michael:Darryl— no wait, Doug. Doug Judy. How's it going, buddy?

Darryl:It's Darryl. And Doug left in 2003.

Andy:Stanley had a heart attack, faked it to get away. From this place and from your management, he couldn't take another day.

Michael:Well, actually, that's not a woman's body. That's a man's body. A very nice man's body.

Dwight:Michael is dead. I'm sure of it. He was probably killed by an icicle. They fall off buildings all the time. It's one of the most common ways to die. Actually, it happened to my cousin Mose once. Well, not to him exactly, but near him. He was walking under an awning and an icicle fell. It didn't kill him, but it would have if it had hit him in the right spot. The femoral artery. One stab and you bleed out in minutes.

Kevin:Yeah, I tried to alphabetize Michael's M&Ms once. Do you know how long that takes? They're all the same letter!

Michael:You know, if there was a spaceman up there looking down at all of us, he'd probably think we're all pretty small and insignificant. But then if he came down here and got to know me personally, he'd be like, 'Wow, this guy is even worse than I thought.'

Pam:My parents' divorce was really hard on me. But Jim and I are different. We actually communicate.

Andy:I'm not insightful enough for movie criticism. But I can do food criticism. This pizza is bad. And art criticism: this painting is bad.

Michael:Okay, Ryan, you're 5'2" and 280 pounds. You look like Gumby had a weight problem.

Michael:Pam, Pam, Pam. You went to art school. That's great. You know what they call an art school graduate? Unemployed.

Pam:That's not funny, Michael.

Michael:I'm just kidding. You're doing great. You're a receptionist. Living the dream.

Michael:Kevin, you have a choice to make. You can either lose weight or gain a personality. I'm roasting you either way.

Michael:I was looking for Angela, but I couldn't see her behind a grain of rice.

Michael:Stanley, you're so lazy, I'm surprised you haven't had a heart attack yet. Although, given your weight, I'm surprised your heart can still attack anything.

Michael:Hey Andy, I called Cornell. You know what they said? They said you're gay.

Andy:What? That's not—

Michael:Yeah, and you know what else? You're gayer than Oscar.

Michael:Laughter is the best medicine, Stanley. It'll cure that heart of yours.

Michael:But seriously, you should probably see a cardiologist. Like, today.