Lecture Circuit (2)

Michael:I've memorized everyone's names. It's part of my success recipe.

Michael:I call Jim 'the tall one,' Pam 'the receptionist with the face,' and Kevin 'the big guy from accounting.'

Michael:It makes them feel valued and seen.

Kelly:Hey Ryan, did you forget my birthday?

Ryan:Kelly, your birthday was three months ago.

Kelly:Exactly! And you didn't even text me!

Ryan:I'm not going to text you on your birthday.

Kelly:Why not? I text you all the time!

Ryan:That's the problem.

Ryan:Prison.

Kevin:One... two... three... four...

Kevin:Five ice creams.

Kevin:I didn't finish my lunch, so technically these are just appetizers.

Kevin:Plus, they're frozen, so they don't count as eating.

Kevin:And one of them was sugar-free, so that one's basically a vegetable.

Angela:I'm excited to announce a new addition to the Martin family.

Angela:We've adopted a pedigreed cat. His name is Mr. Whiskers, and he's a direct descendant of Morris the 9Lives cat.

Angela:He cost us $12,000, but his lineage and Hollywood connections make him absolutely priceless.

Angela:The cat cost $7,000.

Creed:I know a guy who can get you a better deal on a human.

Angela:I sold Sprinkles' ashes on eBay.

Meredith:That cat cost how much? What is it, a bitch made of gold?

Angela:I can't just take time off. A cat is a big responsibility. It's like maternity leave, except I actually wanted this.

Angela:The maternity leave policy at this company is absolutely ridiculous. I shouldn't have to choose between my career and my family.

Stanley:Yeah, well I had a kid just so I could get out of work early on Wednesdays.

Pam:Yeah, Nashua doesn't get many visitors. It's so remote, the last person who tried to visit us had to take a horse and buggy. And that was last week.

Kelly:I stole my boyfriend's boat. Then I stole his father's boat.

Kelly:I didn't steal a boat. I just wanted to go on an adventure like in the movies, you know? Like Thelma and Louise.

Ryan or Jim:Kelly, Thelma and Louise ends with them driving off a cliff.

Kelly:Yeah, but like, romantically.

Jim:Wait, I thought your birthday was in April?

Kelly:It is in April.

Jim:But you just said it was today.

Kelly:I can celebrate it whenever I want.

Jim:Kelly, I got you a birthday cake.

Kelly:I can't eat that. Do you know how many calories are in cake?

Jim:It's your birthday.

Kelly:And? I didn't ask for cake. I asked for a salad.

Kelly:Do you guys know how to spell my name?

Jim:K-E-L-L-Y.

Kelly:Right.

Jim:I think. Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Kelly:What is the theme of this cake?

Jim:It's a... cake theme.

Kelly:That's not a theme, Jim.

Jim:Okay, um... it's got frosting. That's a theme.

Kelly:No, it's not.

Jim:Birthday?

Kelly:Every cake is for a birthday, you idiot.

Dwight:That cake is far too moist. A proper cake should have structural integrity.

Jim:Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like me to go back in time and tell the bakery to make it drier?

Dwight:That would be ideal, yes.

Jim:Okay, or—or we could switch roles. You pick the cake next time, and I'll criticize whatever you choose.

Dwight:Fine.

Jim:Because that won't be a disaster at all.

Michael:Hi, I'm looking for Holly Flax. She works here at the Nashua branch?

Nashua receptionist:Oh, Holly? Yeah, she's in the back. She's actually on a break right now with her boyfriend.

Michael:Boyfriend?

Michael:Holly has a boyfriend?

Pam:Yeah, I'm sorry.

Michael:Oh.

Pam:You know, Michael, I think Holly might actually miss you. And her boyfriend... he's not going to be around much longer anyway.

Michael:What? Why not?

Pam:Well, he's pretty old. I'm just saying, statistically speaking, the odds are in your favor.

Angela:No, no, no! Get off of her! That's my cat!

Kevin:That cat's got game.

Angela:This is not funny! That thing is disgusting!

Dwight:Jim, your problem is that you lack commitment. You're emotionally unavailable, you use humor as a defense mechanism, and you have the organizational skills of a toddler.

Dwight:No wonder Pam has trust issues. I wouldn't trust you to plan a party either.

Michael:Good morning, Vietnam! No wait, good morning, Nashua!

Michael:Some clients are like Scarlett O'Hara - they don't give a damn. And you know what I tell them? You complete me. But also, frankly my dear, I don't give a damn about your complaints either.

Michael:A.J.? A.J.! You know what that stands for? Andrew Jackson. No wait, wait, wait. That's not it. A.J.... Anthony Jr.? No. A.J. stands for... Auto racing... Jockey? A.J. Foyt! That's it! He's a famous race car driver!

Michael:Why are you the way you are?

Michael:That was... that was all part of the presentation. Classic misdirection. You think I'm breaking down, but really I'm making a point about... synergy.

Michael:Okay, okay, I got this. Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. But vendors... vendors are like a box of... a box of...

Michael:Vendors are like a box of broken promises wrapped in disappointing packaging!

Michael:Okay, so A.J., right? I'm gonna remember your name by associating it with something. A.J.... Holly's boyfriend. See? Now I'll never forget it.

A.J.:That's... my name is literally A.J.

Michael:Exactly. Holly's boyfriend. Works every time.

Michael:It's a metaphor. For cutting down the competition.

Angela:Mr. Whiskers? Mr. Whiskers, where are you? You know you're not supposed to be in the break room.

Angela:Don't you dare knock that plant off the shelf. I see you eyeing it.

Angela:And wipe that look off your face. You know exactly what you did.

Jim:Is she... is she licking the cat?

Pam:Oh my god.

Jim:Angela's licking her cat clean.

Jim:I just witnessed Angela cough up a hairball. And I'm not even exaggerating—it was like watching a cat, except it was Angela, and the hairball was... well, it was a hairball.

Michael:I may have gone through Holly's desk.

Pam:Michael!

Michael:And her drawers.

Pam:Oh my god.

Michael:And I tried on her sweater.

Pam:No!

Michael:It fit perfectly. And then I found her diary.

Pam:You didn't.

Michael:I did. And it turns out she has feelings for me.

Jim:Dwight suggested we go to a paintball range, a gun range, a medieval Times, or cage fighting.

Jim:I said, 'Dwight, those are all the same party.'

Jim:What was your favorite birthday growing up?

Dwight:My favorite birthday? I was born in a blizzard. The doctor had to amputate my umbilical cord with a hunting knife. I was two weeks late, which I consider to be early—a sign of ambition. My mother wrapped me in the wet pelt of a mink and told me my name was Dwight. Within minutes, I was walking and learning to hunt.

Jim:So Dwight, what do you look forward to most about your birthday?

Dwight:I look forward to not celebrating birthdays every year.

Jim:I got a triceratops for my birthday.

Dwight:A triceratops? That's pathetic. Triceratops are the weakest of the ceratopsians. A Pentaceratops would have been acceptable.

Kelly:Why is there a piece of gum on this cake?

Jim:That's not gum. That represents either sleeping or TV.

Jim:So the cake is decorated with a TV on one side and a bed on the other side.

Jim:It's asking you to choose: TV or napping.

Jim:Basically, what are you doing with your life?

Phyllis:Well, why don't you guys compromise? You could watch TV and take a nap at the same time.

Jim:That's not a compromise, Phyllis.

Dwight:That's just napping with the TV on.

Kelly:I'm so tired, I'm just gonna take a nap instead of watching TV.

Kelly:Actually, I'm too excited to sleep.

Angela:Thank you all for coming to my birthday celebration. It's been wonderful.

Angela:Now, back to work. I want those reports on my desk by 5 PM. And someone needs to clean the break room - it's a disaster.

Michael:I feel great. I got closure with David Wallace. That's what it's all about—

Michael:Oh! And I need to apologize to Toby. I was really harsh with him, and he didn't deserve that. Well, actually he kind of did, but I shouldn't have done it.

Michael:Tony? Tony... Do I know a Tony? Wait, was he... was he the guy who was always eating?

Michael:Yeah, yeah! Eating all the time. Pizza, sandwiches, everything.

Michael:And he had that thing on his shirt... pepperoni stains! Pepperoni Tony!

Michael:I'm going to apologize to Tony. I'm going to walk right over there and tell him I'm sorry for calling him a... a knucklehead.

Michael:You know what? Forget it. That guy's a total knucklehead.