The Chump

Michael:From now on, everyone speaks Spanish at work. It's a new company policy.

Erin:Okay, Michael. I'm ready to—

Erin:Good morning, Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin speaking. How can I help you?

Michael:I'm learning Spanish because I think it's important to understand the cultures and traditions of our Latin American neighbors. It's about respect and broadening my horizons as a global citizen.

Michael:Plus, Cancun, Puerto Vallarta, and Cabo are all-inclusive resorts with swim-up bars.

Michael:Buenos días, Dwight.

Dwight:Guten Morgen, Michael.

Dwight:Michael's Spanish initiative is misguided. Spanish will not be the dominant language of the future.

Dwight:German will be. I've been studying the trends. By 2050, German will be the lingua franca of global business.

Dwight:I'm already fluent. I've prepared myself and my bloodline for this inevitability.

Jim:I told Michael that in Spanish, nouns have gender—masculine or feminine—and you mark them with 'el' or 'la.'

Pam:So what happened?

Jim:He went through all his Spanish flashcards and drew... anatomically correct genitalia next to every word.

Pam:No.

Jim:Yes. 'La mesa' now has a very detailed vagina on it.

Michael:Eso es lo que él dijo.

Pam:Michael, that's 'that's what he said.'

Michael:Exactly! I'm fluent in Spanish!

Michael:I am Cancun.

Angela:*disgusted reaction*

Jim:We guarantee delivery in 24 hours, or your money back. It's like that pizza place, but with paper.

Pam:That's... that's good, Jim.

Michael:I need to put the best face on this company.

Creed:You're not gonna cut their faces off, are you?

Todd Packer:Whoa, hello there! Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. You know, with a name like Donna, I bet you're used to hearing all kinds of pickup lines.

Donna:You two look alike.

Jim:We don't look alike.

Pam:Yeah, we really don't.

Donna:No, you do. And your baby's gonna have problems.

Toby:You know, it's interesting. Darryl gets to go to the minority training seminar just because he's black. Meanwhile, I've been here for years and nobody's ever invited me to anything.

Darryl:That's because you're not a minority, man.

Toby:I'm a divorcee. I'm a pretty big minority in this office.

Kelly:I've been on hold with customer service for like three hours. This is ridiculous.

Darryl:That's messed up. Was it a racial thing?

Kelly:What? No. I just got a rude representative.

Darryl:You can tell a lot about a person from their voice. You know what I mean?

Kelly:Yeah, actually, I can usually tell someone's race just by listening to them.

Darryl:Exactly. See, that's... that's not great.

Darryl:You could be like a successful CEO.

Kelly:Oh my God, you think I should be an actress?

Michael:See, what I do is I print out pictures of myself and I leave them around the office. So when people see them, they think I'm in two places at once. It messes with their head. They get confused. They think, 'Is that really Michael? Or is that a picture of Michael?' And in that confusion, they become susceptible to my charm.

Complete silence as everyone processes the awkwardness

Pam:That's not even what they said in training.

Jim:Well, I think I know what they meant.

Pam:Good luck with that.

Kelly:Indian men wearing phones on their belts is so weird.

Michael:What do you mean? That's practical.

Michael:Look, I'm doing it right now.

Michael:Oh my God, there's a man outside! I think it's the Scranton Strangler!

Michael:Yes, 911? I need to report a crime in progress!

Kevin:Yeah, like what oozes? Snails ooze. Slugs ooze. I ooze when it's hot out.

Kevin:She crossed her arms because she was cold.

Andy:No, Kevin, she crossed her arms because she was angry.

Kevin:Well, maybe she was cold AND angry.

Andy:That's not how arms work, Kevin.

Donna:You could always lose money for tax purposes.

Jim:Or, and I'm just spitballing here, we could make money. That's better.

Michael:Hey Kevin, how do you get women to like you?

Kevin:It's all about the mints, man. You chew mints, they smell it on your breath, and boom — they're attracted to you. It's science.

Michael:That's... that's not science.

Kevin:Works for me.

Pam:I was totally after your money.

Jim:What money? I work at a paper company.

Pam:Exactly. Low expectations.

Ryan:So I'm thinking I start small, you know, like I mess with his locker, steal his lunch money, that kind of thing.

Kelly:Oh my god, that's so mean!

Ryan:But then I realized I could go bigger. I could start leaving anonymous notes about how fat he's getting, slip diet pills in his backpack, maybe convince his girlfriend to dump him because he's 'letting himself go.'

Kelly:Ryan, what the hell?

Ryan:I'm thinking full-on psychological warfare. By junior year, he won't be able to look at food without having a panic attack.

Kelly:So when they ask me why I'm qualified for the job, I say, 'Because Ryan works here and he's really smart.'

Ryan:That's not... that's not how interviews work.

Kelly:No, I've got this. Once I'm in charge, I'm making you manager. We'll run this place together.

Dwight:Kelly as an executive? That would be catastrophic. At least Darryl has some sense. Kelly would run this company into the ground within a week.

Dwight:I've faced worse challenges. Last weekend I was reanimating a bull moose in my barn. Taxidermy is just a hobby, but it keeps my skills sharp.

Jim:Hey Donna, want a mint?

Donna:Um... sure?

Jim:They're really fresh. I got them from Kevin.

Donna:...Okay.

Jim:So anyway, I was thinking maybe we could—

Donna:Are you flirting with me using mints right now?

Jim:What? No. I just thought you might want a mint.

Donna:You're sweating.

Michael:What if Rudy had just given up? What would that movie be like?

Jim:Shorter.

Pam:Funnier.

Dwight:Kelly, I'm going to have to disqualify you from the minority program. You see, the term 'minority' refers to an ethnic or racial group that represents less than fifty percent of the total population. However, your sales performance indicates you are part of the majority underperformers in this office. Therefore, by definition, you cannot be a minority.

Dwight:It's just science. And America.

Michael:Is that a bindi? I'm just asking because I want to be respectful of your culture.

Kelly:Michael, I'm not Indian. I'm from Scranton.

Michael:Oh, I know that. I just thought maybe you were exploring your heritage or something.

Kelly:My heritage is American, and frankly, I find it offensive that you would assume I'm anything other than that.

Dwight:This is Lonny, a Japanese efficiency expert. He will be competing with Kelly for her job.

Lonny:Thank you. I am here to heal America in a dramatic fashion.

Dwight:Lonny believes that American workers have lost their way. Through discipline and respect, we can restore greatness.

Kevin:Yeah, I know what you mean. I once had this thing with a guy at the warehouse, and I thought he was flirting with me, but he was just telling me I had a piece of skin hanging off my— you know, down there. And I'm like, 'Oh, he cares about me!' Turns out he was just being a good Samaritan.

Michael:I found your baguette in the break room.

Donna:My what?

Michael:Your baguette. It was just lying there on the table.

Donna:Do you mean my barrette?

Michael:That's what I said. Baguette.

Michael:I'm really proud of Kelly for getting into this program. She's going to do great things. I mean, look at her—she's got the drive, she's got the ambition... she's basically like the Martin Luther King of the warehouse.

Michael:Wait, that didn't come out right.

Dwight:I had a plan. A foolproof plan. Kelly was supposed to be a temporary distraction, a pawn in my greater strategy to secure the position for myself.

Dwight:But she... she actually impressed them. And now she has the job and I don't. This is unacceptable.

Dwight:I pride myself on my ability to read people, to anticipate their moves, to orchestrate outcomes. I am a master of manipulation.

Dwight:And yet here I am, outmaneuvered by someone whose IQ is barely above room temperature. It's infuriating.

Michael:I want to return this barrette.

Donna:You were right.

Michael:I was right? About what?

Donna:I don't know. You tell me.

Michael:I'm sorry.

Donna:No, I'm sorry.