Whistleblower

Michael Scott, as seen on TV. I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener.

Oh! Pac-Man, I thought you were a girl.

What's number one? Oh? That teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile. Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again.

Get it up. That's what... Let's do it.

Really? A baby otter? Okay, count me in as 'Who cares?'

It can't even stand up. It's trying to stand up. There he goes.

Jo, I think that I know what happened. I'm not sure you do, teddy bear. Well, now I think I might not.

Put your hand up, Norma Rae. If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets.

The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. Old Mister Bernard, Who have you silenced today?

When Mama was working as a prison guard, and something went missing, she'd ask one question, 'What do we do when we find the guilty party?' And if they said, 'Come down on them with that swift hammer of justice,' innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said, 'Officer Bessie, well, they may have had a reason.' Blah, blah, blah, blah... Well, nine times out of 10, that's the anus they checked.

We should give them a one-way ticket to Montego Bay. Where they keep all the al-Qaeda. Uh, that's Guantanamo Bay. Yes.

Thanks a lot, Big Brother. You're with Big Brother?

I already got to yours, Kev. No, that's cool. Sometimes I run. I'm a runner.

Are you referring to alchemy?

I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet.

I was talking to this girl at a bar. Oh, no, no, no. I think she could sense my sadness. And I found out too late that she was a copyeditor at the Trib.

This is just a mystery novel that I've been working on. I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid? I don't know... The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself. Or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder.

My mind is going a mile an hour. That fast?

I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me. So, I'll see you in Meredith's van in five minutes. Okay, you didn't need to actually say that.

It is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue. Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue.

I spend the whole day talking. I mean, I video chat, I skype, I text, I tweet, I phone, I woof. Woof is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up all your communication portals, so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it.

I just sent myself a woof. Ryan, you have a woof on line one. Thank you, Erin. Woof!

All you need is one scapegoat. Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl. That's just what we need, another black man in prison, you know?

Basement office? You mean like a lair?

Are you gonna kill me?

Make them an offer they can't refuse. No, on second thought, lowball them.

And? You did it. What? Based on what? Just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you.

Can we all agree to say that it was Andy for now and sit with it, see how it feels?

My favorite restaurant closed down. Oh. I hate that. And my new favorite restaurant sucks. I bought a video camera last year and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only, like, 12 minutes that I felt was worth taping. The whole year. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex.

It has not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.

But I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to talk about Suck It. Suck It... Gabe, I told you all about the printers.

Okay, look, I get it, people. I'm the lame IT guy and everybody hates me. Hey, listen, man, you can't take it personally. You call me 'man'? I just said my name, just now. Did you forget it already? No, sport.

We liked the last guy, Sadiq, because he kept to himself. And we also thought he might have been a terrorist.

Inner-city kids use computers for two things, games and porn. So, good luck wasting your life, Lurch.

I saw all of your hard drives. And guess what? You're not a photographer. And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why have you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man.

When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there. And they'd make a Barbie out of me. I hate that I sell cheap printers. I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, that's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie.

Airplane II.

I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston. Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you.

Like Buckingham Palace.

Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down and children to die. Does that make me a hero? No, it does not. Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either. It does!

Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua. Let me see what I can do.