Double Date

Dwight:I brought these bagels all the way from New York City. The real deal.

Jim:Wow, that's really nice of you, Dwight.

Dwight:Nice? I didn't do this to be nice. I did this because I'm going to need favors. Big favors. And now you all owe me.

Kevin:I'm not hungry. I had a big lunch.

Kevin:Plus, my wife says I'm an aphrodisiac, so I've been... very active.

Dwight:Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac. Now, if you want to talk about a real aphrodisiac, we should be discussing beet juice.

Dwight:You wound me. I'm hurt by your cynicism about my motives.

Dwight:But since you asked, here's my exact plan: I'll volunteer for this task, gain Jim's trust over three weeks, then use that rapport to convince him to support my proposal to Michael, which will position me for the Regional Manager promotion when corporate inevitably downsizes.

Dwight:I can't believe how cynical everyone has become.

Michael:What? Why not? These are fresh bagels from that place you like.

Pam:I'm just not hungry right now, thanks though.

Michael:Come on, Pam. You can't say no to a bagel. It's like asking a woman to say no to shoes or chocolate or... feelings.

Ryan:Yeah, I've been really getting into photography. It's all about capturing the essence of the moment, you know? The interplay of light and shadow, the raw emotion—

Ryan:I'm basically the next Ansel Adams. Except my stuff is way more relevant to today's society because I use Instagram filters.

Michael:Okay, so there's an elephant in the room. Well, not a real elephant. That would be ridiculous. But there is definitely an elephant in here, and we need to talk about it.

Michael:I was going to give her a necklace, but then I realized the inappropriocity of the situation.

Kevin:Was it because of the sex?

Michael:You're fired!

Jim:We can't go to lunch. We have an emergency.

Pam:Yeah, it's pretty serious.

Michael:Oh my God, what happened? Are you okay?

Jim:We're fine, it's just... we need to stay here.

Michael:Well, an emergency is when something unexpected happens that requires immediate attention. So if you're fine, it's not really an emergency, is it?

Jim:Yeah, so I set off the fire alarm to get everyone out of the conference room. Michael was doing this whole thing about... I don't even remember. But it worked.

Pam:I should've just said I had a dentist appointment.

Pam:Or faked a phone call. Or food poisoning.

Pam:I could've set off the fire alarm. Staged a small accident.

Pam:Honestly, at this point I should've just faked my own death.

Andy:You gotta really get in there, you know? Work it. Make it shine.

Dwight:That's what she said.

Andy:No, I'm serious. You gotta use some elbow grease. Really massage it.

Dwight:Okay.

Andy:I have a very specific system for returning favors. When someone does something nice for me, I write it down in this notebook. And then, I make sure to return that favor within a reasonable timeframe.

Andy:It's all about being polite and courteous. But let me be very clear — if you don't return my favors, there will be consequences. I will remember. And I will make your life very difficult.

Andy:You know what? I'm gonna give you a little tip that's gonna change your life. When you're feeling stressed, you gotta just grab yourself by the shoulders, look in the mirror, and give yourself a little pep talk. Really get in there with your hands.

Andy:Dwight, your desk arrangement is completely catawampus. We need to realign everything for optimal office feng shui.

Dwight:Catawampus? That's not a real word, Bernard.

Andy:It's absolutely a real word. It means diagonal or askew. Your entire workspace is catawampus, and frankly, it's affecting team morale.

Pam:You know, this place really takes me back. It's so nostalgic.

Michael:Yeah, the food here is amazing. I might even ask it out on a date.

Helene:Well, let's see. You got married in... when was it? And Pam's due in... how many months? So that means you conceived... carrying the one... right around the time you should have been working on your marriage.

Michael:Mom...

Helene:You know, it's funny how these things happen. You get pregnant right after the wedding.

Michael:Ohhh! Burn! That's a burn! Helene with the—

Michael:Wait. Wait wait wait. That's... that's also about me.

Michael:I'm not robbing the cradle. She's an adult.

Michael:I mean, it's not like I'm... I'm not doing anything illegal.

Michael:Although, when you think about it, 'robbing the cradle' would actually be less bad than what I'm doing, because at least then you'd be stealing from a baby, not... dating one.

Michael:Come on, Helene. Don't you want to try something new? Something adventurous?

Helene:I don't know, Michael. I'm not really an adventurous person.

Michael:But how do you know if you don't try?

Helene:Well, I would try if I wanted to want to try.

Dwight:Tacos are actually quite complicated. The meat must be seasoned to exact specifications, the shells require precise temperature control, and the toppings need to be arranged in a very particular order.

Andy:Dwight, they're just tacos.

Dwight:Exactly. Which is why I should handle this. You clearly don't understand the complexity involved.

Michael:Helene, I made you something. It's a scrapbook of all our memories together.

Helene:Oh Michael, this is so sweet!

Michael:Yeah, I had it professionally bound. The cover reads: 'A Compendium of Moments: Volume One - The Helene Scott Collection.'

Helene:It's just photos and ticket stubs...

Michael:I know. I also added a table of contents and an index.

Michael:I went back to that wishing well, and I fished around until I found the penny that Jan threw in. It took me three hours.

Helene:That's... that's actually pretty creepy, Michael.

Michael:I know it sounds weird when you say it out loud.

Michael:Wait, no, no, no. I think I just ruined it. You're not supposed to take the penny back out. That's bad luck.

Michael:That's beautiful. I'm going to read this to Holly.

Helene:That's a wonderful idea.

Michael:Actually, no. Never mind. It's stupid.

Helene:This is a lovely gift, Michael.

Michael:Well, thank you. Although I have to say, your taste in... well, everything, really, has always been a little questionable. I mean, you're what, 60? And you're still wearing those kinds of shoes?

Helene:Michael...

Michael:I'm just saying, for a woman your age, you could really step it up. No pun intended.

Pam:You were in the bathroom for like twenty minutes.

Jim:Yeah, I had some bad coffee this morning.

Pam:Jim, we all had the same coffee.

Jim:Well, mine was... older.

Michael:I realized I don't want to just hear about things. I want to experience them myself.

Michael:Helene, before I say anything, I need you to eat this cake.

Helene:Michael, what's going on?

Michael:Just eat the cake. This is going to be really bad. Like, really, really bad. But first, cake.

Helene:You're scaring me.

Michael:I know. That's why you need to eat. This is terrible news. The worst. But go ahead, take a bite.

Helene:Just tell me!

Michael:No, no. Cake first. Because after I tell you this — and it's going to devastate you — you won't want cake. So eat it now. While you still can. This is really bad, Helene.

Michael:The reason we broke up is because... Pam's feelings got in the way.

Michael:Thank you for being so understanding, Pam.

Michael:But... there's something else I need to tell you.

Michael:There is another woman.

Michael:Her name is... work. And also... ambition. And also... my job.

Michael:See, the problem is, you're too Kafka-esque.

Jim or Pam:What does that mean?

Michael:I don't know, but it's not good.

Michael:I want kids. You know, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I think I'd be a great dad.

Michael:And you know what? Your mom, Pam's mom, she's still got some good years left in her. I'm just saying, biologically speaking, the equipment still works.

Michael:You could start a blog, learn to code, take up CrossFit...

Pam:Or, crazy idea, you could just live your life without needing a hobby to justify your existence.

Kevin:I owe Dwight a favor. One favor. And now I'm gonna owe him forever because that's how Dwight works. You do him one solid, and suddenly you're indebted to him for life. It's like a supernatural debt that follows you beyond the grave.

Jim:Kevin, that's not how favors work.

Kevin:You don't know that. You haven't seen Dwight's face when someone owes him something. That man collects debts like other people collect things. I bet in the afterlife, Dwight's gonna be waiting for me. And I'm gonna owe him two favors by then.

Dwight:Well, if this doesn't work out, I could always fall back on growing poison mushrooms.

Dwight:I could have grown mushrooms to be six feet tall.

Jim:Mushrooms don't grow that way. They grow down into the soil and then up. You'd need to bury them first.

Michael:Pam, I just want to say your work ethic is amazing. You're like the backbone of this office.

Pam:Michael, I appreciate that, but I'm pretty sure I spend half my day playing solitaire.

Michael:Well, your phone manner is impeccable. You're so professional with clients.

Pam:I literally told someone yesterday that we were closed when we were open because I didn't feel like transferring the call.

Michael:And your artistic eye — those drawings you do are really talented.

Pam:Michael, I draw the same warehouse every time. It doesn't even look like a warehouse. It looks like a depressed rectangle.

Michael:Look, if you want a raise, you're going to have to walk the walk. You can't just talk the talk.

Employee:So you want me to literally walk?

Michael:What? No. I'm saying you need to prove yourself through your actions, not just your words.

Employee:But you said walk the walk.

Michael:It's a figure of speech!

Michael:Pam, I'm going to level with you. I need you to do something for me, and I'm willing to pay.

Pam:Michael, I can't be bribed.

Michael:Okay, but what if I told you... look, I'm talking to your face right now. Your actual face. Not Pam. Just your face. Your face deserves a raise.

Pam:I want you to stop hitting on my mom.

Michael:Okay.

Michael:Okay, so if you're going to hit me, we need to establish some ground rules.

Pam:Ground rules? For hitting you?

Michael:Yes. First, you have to give me a two-week notice. Second, we schedule it during business hours. And third, we shake hands afterward and say 'Well, I think that went well.'

Pam:Michael, that's insane.

Michael:Those are my terms. Take it or leave it.

Michael:Okay, so I'm going to talk to David Wallace about this promotion situation.

Kevin:Wait, you haven't talked to him yet?

Michael:Well, no, but I have a really good argument prepared.

Kevin:What argument?

Michael:That... I deserve it. I'm a great manager.

Kevin:Your sales are down 12% this quarter.

Michael:Okay, well, that's just a number. What about morale?

Kevin:You called Pam 'chubby' last week.

Michael:She knows I'm joking! We have a great rapport.

Kevin:She filed a complaint.

Michael:...She did?

Michael:So, Pam, I've been meaning to ask you. How much do you weigh?

Pam:What? Why would you ask me that?

Michael:I'm just curious about your physical strength. Like, if you were in a fight, how much force could you generate?

Jim:Pam wants to hit Michael.

Jim:That's what she said.

Michael:Am I scared of getting hit? No. But I am worried that I might enjoy it. And that scares me. Because then I'd have to buy all that equipment, and I don't know where you even get that stuff. Probably some weird website. I'm not trying to find out I have a new fetish at my age.

Michael:Kevin, what are you eating?

Kevin:It's a salad.

Michael:A salad? You're eating a salad while we're in the middle of this?

Kevin:Yeah, I'm trying to eat healthier. Plus, all this drama is better than Netflix.

Michael:I'm sorry. I promise I won't date any family members.

Michael:And I definitely won't sleep with your mom again.

Michael:Whoa! I didn't think you had it in you!

Jim:Did hitting Michael help?

Pam:No, it didn't. I still have all these feelings.

Michael:My whole life flashed before my eyes. I saw my birth, my first day of school, my wedding day...

Michael:And then I saw things that haven't happened yet. Like my future wedding to Holly, my kids, my grandkids...

Michael:Which is weird because I'm not even married yet.

Michael:In the future, I'll have a flying car that runs on dreams and good intentions. My wife will be a supermodel, but she'll also be really into watching me play video games for hours.

Michael:We'll live in a mansion made entirely of mirrors so I can admire myself from every angle. And our kids will be born already knowing how to laugh at my jokes.

Michael:Plus, I'll have invented a device that makes it so I never have to hear 'no' again. Everything I want will just automatically happen because I deserve it.

Michael:In my perfect imaginary life, I have immortality and infinite wealth. You know, nothing crazy.

Dwight:Michael, you owe me a favor. I want you to help me get Angela.

Michael:Dwight, no. That's not happening.

Dwight:You said you owed me a favor!

Michael:I know what I said, but I'm not helping you stalk Angela.

Dwight:Fine. I'm keeping the chicken as my dinner.