Nepotism

I got West Nile virus. Lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected, even though I peed on it.

Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

And J.C. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.

Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise.

Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn't have to.

So right now I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe.

From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack. Well, what if you're cold? Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin.

Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, but we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear.

Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration.

Then burn the list.

You guys, I'm, like, really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, 'Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?' And I'd be, like, 'Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,' giving you the exact right answer.

Tiny. Darryl Hanah.

You cool to just drink it, or should I drive all the way back?

The new guy sucks. Calls me 'The Nard man.' I'm the 'Nard dog,' okay? Nard man is my father.

My favorite movies are Citizen Kane and The Boondock Saints.

The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man. That's right. The janitor said that.

I wouldn't know for sure 'cause I don't have a trained ear. That's why I have to use one of these.

I was just gonna put a couple keys on every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but...

So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert.

Yeah, strawberries are ripe.

Turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp.

It's national ice cream afternoon.

The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of Ace Ventura II, and that was '95. So, yes, 15 years on the dot.

Anyway, I lost him in a forest.

Don't don't bother Luke. Got it.

'Jo, they're creating a hostile work environment. Stop them.'

Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you?

Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer?

God, when he needed help on earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.

I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't?

He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!

And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I'd point to them, right?

Soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream? Or enough for everyone? No, man. There was no list. But I got bagel chips.

Oh, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips.

Clutch cream run, bro.

I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset.

This is like The Blair Witch Hunt Project.

I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway.

Lower yourself, Gabe. I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch.

You know why? 'Cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool, but he can't come in my house.

Well, this office is my pool and my house is my house, and I just want my nephew to work in my pool.

I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.

Okay, that's weird. I was just hitting 'door close.' What? There we go. Well... Good.

I got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner.

Not on Oscar's head. All right. Luke, come on. Stop it. What? I'm stopping it. That's what you said.

I am going to count down from five. Five. Five. Four. Four. I'm not kidding. Three. Three. Two. Two. One. Give... Okay.

You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke! [SPANKING SOUNDS] That's what you're going to do, Luke!

That was awesome. Texas justice.

Finally, a kid who's not talking about Betty White.

Well, you know, they don't call me 'The Bart Simpson of Scranton' for nothing. Do they call you that? They do call me that.

Also, there's pee on the floor. Oh. Of course there is.

I don't know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they'd be sick of each other by now, but, clearly, they make it work.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to working with you, Michael.