Ultimatum

Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels.

One of our many recent good deeds, we set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.

I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs. Ha, ha, ha. Screw you.

What are you gonna do now? You gonna make fun of our leader's weird voice, huh? 'Dwight, don't be bothered...' Over the line, Jim.

Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag. Oh, come on. That sounds awesome. It was pretty cool. Was it? It was fun. It was... It was pretty awesome.

Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel

If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down.

Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said, 'It's snot.' I'm so sorry.

I was just thinking about snot.

Wow, did your baby draw that? The glitter is blinding.

And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?

Sponge. Sad. To soak up my tears. Gummy bears and gummy worms. Bears sad, worms happy.

Ukuleles. Happy? Sad. Something to break.

I hope she doesn't call us up on stage, that would suck. 'Hey, you think you could do my job better?' 'I don't know.' 'What's your name?' 'Michael.'

Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life.

What happened? Is there a ring? So, high five me. We're back. To a happy... Woo! Look at those. Mittens. Those a present?

Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put her there. Give me a good firm one. Ooh, that's a good, firm handshake. You're hired.

Want me to crank the thermostat to 90? Smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever.

Hey, right back at you, bitch.

Michael and Jim dance celebration with escalating moves

'Learn to cook for one.' Yeah, I love cooking. But I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare.

Well, maybe you'll meet someone. No, some people just don't meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.

Oh, you mean the state senator. I'm sorry, I was confused 'cause you accidentally wrote 'The senator.'

My resolution is 'Meet a loose woman.'

'Hey, what book is that?' 'Cool, let's hang out tonight.' 'Sex already? Whoa.'

2011 is coming up all Darryl.

E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone? Holly misses old phone. Why? New phone is confusing, gets bad reception. Oh, bummer. Bummer. Reese's pieces. Reese's pieces? Oh, God. Please stop.

No. Don't go see that one. I want to see that together. Yeah, go see that action one. Okay. I love you, too.

Do you think she's already dating a different A.J.? I don't think so. When you broke it off with Roy did you still tell him you loved him? No. But you did still love him. I'm not gonna have... Do you love him now? No!

Oh, I work at a paper company. Those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? Heard those machines hold, like, 10 books at once. Actually, it's 10,000. Holy shit. What?

So light. Like a croissant.

Why did we pretend like we work here? Is that what we were doing? I don't know...

What'd you get? A book about oceans. Oh, really? What else? Let me see. That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.

I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?

The day shift at a strip club? You can't un-see that.

I don't know. Single moms at a skating party? Sweet 16, 10-year reunion parties. Chicks fall down, need help getting back up. Roller derby practice.

Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.

I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual, like. Not make a big deal out of it. But I know everybody saw it, just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.

Since last year I ate none. Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine. Is it? Yes, because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.

I made a resolution to floss. And I did it. 12:01, January 1st. Bam! Blood everywhere.

Why are you eating stem first? This is a new food for me. How else should I eat it?

Can I get some Cheez Whiz? Or Hollandaise? No, no. No Cheez Whiz, no Hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it.

Can I get some candy or something? No, you can't have any candy!

Holly Flax. Yes, Michael? Not Michael, E.T.

It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.

And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line.

Okay, Michael, no offense. But you need to get your own life.

I don't think I'm there yet, boss. Well, I am.

How's your fart project coming? That's real, real classy, Kevin.

I could be pregnant. Okay, no. Oh, my resolution was to get more attention. Nope, she's lying.

One, two, three. I did it. I did a cartwheel. Fuck you! Fuck you! Oh, God! Okay, that's it. God!

His name is Andy. And he roller skates like a Greek God. And you know what? I kind of like hanging out with him.

My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.

We're gonna be just fine. You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine. Just fine, just fine, just fine.

What a rush! That's all I had to do all year. Congratulations. All right. Well, all right, see you tomorrow.