Pda

Ryan and I have a huge announcement... Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced.

Sweet. Free ring.

Wait, I... Can you back up? What's the story?

We were making love constantly... Ryan was crying a lot.

That's not a relevant detail.

Um, like, a week ago. We got really wasted, and it just felt right.

And you didn't invite any of us? We are getting divorced, Andy!

No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.

You know what, Ryan? I talked to the other gay guys, and we're okay with it. We all agreed it's fine for you to get married.

No. No, Oscar. Not until everyone can.

This actually isn't amicable at all, and we actually do need people to take sides. Who's on my side? And who is on my side?

Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.

Yes, I do. No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, you can have your own opinion, and I can have mine. I have my own opinion, and my opinion is to disagree with you.

He's gonna be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with. Oh, you'll get through it, hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny Jim game.

All right, what'd you do? Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art.

Three hints. One, when you're getting colder, you're really getting warmer. The fridge.

Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she's so special. And she's so not. Her personality is like a three, her sense of humor is a two, her ears are like a seven and a four.

Add it all up, and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.

Well, I'm going the speed limit. Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit.

Sex different after the baby, Jim?

All right, let me turn on some music. I need to pee! No, you don't. Yeah, I do. My word against yours.

I'm upset, my bladder is full, there is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car.

A tiny thing. I locked her in the car. What? She's smiling. She's happy. Oh, my God.

Excuse me, sir, there's a... There's a guy in the bathroom. He's coming out, but I have to go, 'cause it's an emergency. Will you just tell him to call the office?

But you're not holding a cup of coffee or anything, are you? Jim, what?

I will put out an A.P.B., otherwise known as an 'Ask Pam Beesly.'

No, he ditched you, man. I saw him drive away. There's no way he ditched me. There's no way that happened. He's my...

Actually, this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk about.

Problem solved, everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael.

You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.

Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle?

'I'm a suck, suck, suckity Sabre.' Booya!

'I'm supposed to be wearing red gloves, but my color cartridge portal got jammed again.' Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Gloves. Keep it real.

I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once have I used the real captions to Family Circus.

That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason, me.

It is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean John in Bhutan.

Male, Caucasian, 40s, black hair, facial type, marsupial.

He answers to Michael, Michael G. Scott, Michael J. Fox, Mr. Fox, the Incredible Mr. Fox...

Oh, really? You don't think he walked by that bakery just for the smell of it? She's right. He went that way.

Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. Let's ride.

Hey, you guys. Listen to me. Don't get hung up on just one girl, because there are a lot of other girls out there.

Hello. You guys are so beautiful. You're so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That's a metaphor, I guess.

You are disgusting. You'll never find love.

Pam, this isn't a shopping trip. No. This is a manhunt/rescue mission.

Pam, I'm obviously gonna get that stuff for you, so just shut up. God.

Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for. Irony is such a critical...

I think we can all agree they tend to alienate those who don't get the reference, making them feel like the other.

Sticky Quips are fun. They're safe. They're handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-it notes when I'm in a fun mood. Not every day.

Now, I don't have any money, so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later and I pay for the hot dog.

I'm not a pawn shop. Well, I understand that, but this is a $45 watch. Wow. With that, I could buy half the menu.

What do you do with the hot dogs that you don't sell? Throw 'em away. Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?

Okay. You've just lost my business.

Hey. Hey, you were in there forever. There's too many brands. Where's Holly? She wandered off like an idiot.

What are you doing? Just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now. Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore.

Real original. What? You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me. Tootenbacher. Orville Tootenbacher, that's Michael's millionaire character that farts popcorn.

I was gonna try to dine and dash, and that was stupid, and I realize I can't do that to you fine people.

Well, the number three is not such a giant feast.

Well, I think I can get through the door.

It's Michael!

You knew. What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... What are you implying? Uncanny.

You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You're a big man, huh? Takes a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people.

Click the 'X.' I'm clicking! In the box. I am clicking. Woman, you've had a computer for years! Phyllis! Too late!

'Darn it, Bob, I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat.'

'Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island.'

How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?

You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob. I'm the only one here.

'Is that a palm tree, or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it.'

It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe.

Close your eyes. We need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now?

Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael, we're coming for you!

I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination.

I just miss you so much. I missed you, too. Really? Yeah.

'I'm Gabe, and I'm a weirdo.'

'Gabe's mom. Hmm, Gabe's mom? Wait, tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her.'