Wuphf.Com

Uh-oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen up, listen up. Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.

Try zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, one.

Okay, I'm not doing every number.

Our IT guys have been... Glasses, Turban, Ear Hair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge, and Fatso.

You're typing 'big boobs'? / Try 'big boobz' with a Z.

The password. We're in. / This kept us secure, people.

At some point, somebody is going to have to step up and do my taxes, and it is not going to be me.

Get out. Do your job. / What-- / Yes.

Looks like your little documentary finally found its star.

Yes, I invested in WUPHF. It's actually a really great idea, and I can't believe it didn't exist before. And I know Ryan's kind of a sketchy guy, but, hey, I married Jim. I've done my part for the nice guy. Now I want a bedroom set--One that matches.

Every fall, growing up, my uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it Hay Place. Eldred called it Hay World. Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that's all behind us. Hay Place lives on.

Do you like dogs? / I have, like, eight dogs. / Hay Place romances never last.

I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Cece, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest--If I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything.

I entered the sale, and I hit enter, and I said, 'dunh-duh-na-dah!' I'm pretty sure I timesed it right.

Dunh-duh-nah-dah! Still zero.

I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room. Okay, some of these old guys walking around naked--It feels almost passive-aggressive.

Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.

Excuse me, everyone. Sex! Now that I have your attention... You don't have our attention. / Money! I'm listening.

Yes, I have a dream. And it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space.

We already have a buyer. / Really? Who? / Washington University.

Bob's finances are... Complicated. He only invests with cash and only in nightclubs.

You could buy the Bernard Estate and just burn it to the ground while your entire family watched. / That is horrible. I love my family.

That's a safety school, Michael. / And they laughed you off of campus, right? So who's laughing now?

Actually, I'm kind of in the mood for a roll in the hay. / Roll in the hay, $5, please.

No, no. Oscar, it's not--it's not a digital rape whistle.

I don't feel like skiing right now, Oscar.

Well, since I have no incentive to sell, I've cleaned my car, organized my desk, and taken a multivitamin. So... What now?

I found the needle in the haystack! / Hey, congratulations. Do you know what your prize is? Nothing. Life lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.

WUPHF condoms! 50,000 condoms out of the sky. / Look at that! He threw 'em on the ground!

My aunt and uncle have a house in the Poconos. I can borrow it... Just go up there, shut myself away-- No TV, no WUPHF-- Just, like, play a video game.

I said to Ryan, 'I try to call you, and you don't have your phone. I try to IM you, and you're not online. I wish there was a way that I could do everything all at once, and I could just be like this little dog going, Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!' And that's how it happened, and that's what I told my lawyer.

They only want it for the initials. The domain name. / Oh, God. / W.U.P.H.F.

Yeah, so we can celebrate Thanksgiving-me-your-money day. / That's humorous. Thank you.

Eight years. / Listen, I know you really like Ryan-- / Well, why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?

You may be crazy. / Don't. / I'm just saying that I think I agree with your point. / Yeah, but in a jokey way where you're gonna start singing.

The moment Darla put the cupcake in her mouth, her daddy pulled her aside and said, 'You're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat.'

You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot... / Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so...

We appear to have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick... Me. I am your Hay King!

Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.

Why would I let someone use me? That doesn't make any sense. / What makes you think someone's using you? / Ryan had an idea for a business. / Ryan-- Uh, yeah, okay.

Like, if you took a person, turned him into a car, and then used the car and then somebody bought the car and started racing with the car, started beating everybody else on the track and this car was, like, human--

Well, maybe you should handle your own situation now that you know that Jason is banging your wife. / My wife passed away a few years ago.

Consider it a WUPHF in person.

I would rather go broke betting on my people than get rich all by myself on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.

Mother Earth by Dwight Kurt Schrute. The water runs, the sun will glint. This is our environment. The Hay King steps upon the ground. He wields a giant man sword round. He penetrates the Mother Earth, once, twice, again and again and again and again for all he's worth, pounding into her soft, warm dirt. Her lips quivering, mounds shaking in ecstasy. And sudden relief.

The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is, you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. Jim, that guy is an ace. Dwight is my king up my sleeve. Phyllis is my old maid. Oscar is my queen. That's easy. Give me a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the instruction card you throw away. Pam's a solid seven. And yeah, you know what? Ryan is probably, like, a two. But sometimes twos can be wild. So watch out. And I am obviously the joker.

Gabe Lewis. Now, listen here, Gabe, you're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat.