The List

Planking is one of those things where, hey, you either get it or you don't. And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it.

He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo to make him CEO. CEO... Her own job. He talked her out of her own job and I don't really know how someone does that.

True, I might have been the second choice, but I was the first choice's first choice.

This has got to stop. - I can't get down. Ke-- Kevin!

I've upped my karate to eight times a week. I've added boxing, lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week, krav maga four times a week, an hour of meditation every morning at sunrise, and again at sunset.

Oh, yeah, pregnant. Right here. Little Michael Scott. - Nope. I told you I don't like that joke.

Look! It's, uh, little pregs and big pregs.

I'm having a child with my husband the senator, and Pam is having a child with Jim... The great salesman.

It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.

I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do something. I go on with a long description and then I say, 'and shove it up your butt!' It's stupid, but it's my thing now.

Kids, don't try planking. It's dangerous. Especially with me around.

The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he's going to zero in on for these really intense small talks. You just hope it's not you. And yet you hope it is you too. It's strange.

Erin, when you recount your day, never say you woke up, it's a waste of your time. That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man. - Very smart. Very smart. Suddenly... I was awake.

First item on the agenda-- Can I get everyone an extra long Columbus day weekend? Item number two-- Connect with the guy. Robert California-- What does he think of me? Don't know. Super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.

Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?

We don't need a warning signal, Kevin. I can see him right there. We do! - I promise you, we don't need-- - Warning! Warning! Warning! Warning!

Really great list of names, guys. Thank you so much. Good work.

This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. And this is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here's something. Who would eat who in alive situation.

Don't be such a right-sider.

Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises... Funny how the houses are always colonials, and the penises are always circumcised, don't you think?

Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and shove it up your butt!

Attack! Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. Will you stop? Dwight! Dwight! Go for it!

Pizza party! ♪ Pizza party ♪ ♪ pizza party... ♪

Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree? - Yeah. She does like elmo. - 'Cultural ghetto'? Totally, totally agree. - Completely. - Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.

The thing that I like about elmo is the tickling. - I should not be here. I'm in the-- I was in the wrong-- I'm...I'm sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I-I was never here.

Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here? - Yeah, well that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.

I guess I think they're losers. - Ah, I knew it. Yes! - Probably shouldn't have said that. - Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

'Suck it, losers.'

I used to be young and cute and sort of funny, and... I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like... 'Who's that receptionist? I like her.' Now I'm just a fat mom. And you take one look at me and you're like, 'oh, loser.'

Chins up, okay? - Bad joke.

Just-- just take the-- take the casserole out of the-- Loser. Take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. Uh, it'll be fine. Just leave it in for 20 minutes. Loser. Losers.

When I was a salesman, I could just be like, 'not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to Polish my knob.' Metaphorically, of course.

Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues, and then inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all.

Stanley-- You may think he's a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he's hard to love, but did you know that he's in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?

Meredith Palmer, supplier relations-- The word 'no,' not even in her vocabulary.

And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of native Americans. - I don't care.

I mean, maybe it's stupid. - No. It's wonderful.