Test The Store

And I, Dwight Truth I'm in charge of the entire operation.

'Cause I feel like I'm gonna fall off. - Yes. Yes. - I'm not wearing the right shoes for this. - We went over this, okay? Your tiny fingers make the best knots.

Hey, my name's Tabitha. I'm camped out in front of the Sabre store so I can be first in line for the new pyramid. Psst. It's me, Erin.

I was born in the little working class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit?

What's lower than dirt? Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core. - Yeah, thank you. - Loam. Bloody loam, I came from.

When I auditioned for the Spice Girls, I didn't even get a callback. Which Spice Girl? The black one. I never stood a chance.

Bloggers are gross, bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You're gonna love 'em.

When people see this presentation, they're gonna [Bleep] in their pants. - Okay. - Come on, man. Seriously disgusting.

Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the pyramid.

I don't see what that gets us, but I'm a team player.

Schrute's out to get me. But I'm playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator.

I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of ET, candy poured out of the screen.

Speaking of pimples, let's release the bloggers!

Don't care. Tell me later.

I woke up at 4:00 A.M. by accident, in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what. It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.

Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?

Since the interesting thing happened till now, so much time has passed, it's like my life is buffering.

Pam and I were arriving for the day, and there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on-- on motorcycles. And they just were hassling Pam... They had, uh... Weapons.

But these were not the kind of people who use their words. Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off.

I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

So you're a blogger, right? Yeah. Blogger. God, stay away. Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers. I'm trying to be a good girl for once.

I haven't had so much fun since seeing... Zoo-ey Desh-channel at the Couch-arilla Music Festival.

How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now! No! No, no, no, no, no, we don't need to call the police.

Because I have neighborhood pride. 1-8-5-0-5. - 1-8-5-0-5. - Guys, guys. That's so vague. You gotta do the zip plus 4. 1-8-5-0-5... Dash 7-4-2-7!

Toby is teaching us self-defense. Me? Toby, will you teach us self-defense? Yeah. Um... I can't believe you remembered I do self-defense.

Um, I'll go put on my cup. Great.

I wasn't sure which one of you was Chuck! Yeah, no, it seems to be going great.

Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?

This is a perfect photo for my 'Daily Fail' blog. Uh, I-I gotta go. Okay. Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.

Oh, no, no, no. It's good. It's really-- on the Internet, it's a really-- That's a really good, good thing.

Hello. Hi, sweetie. It's Jim. I'm calling you from the new Arrowhead, which is why my voice is crystal clear and my hand won't ever get tired because of the ergonomic shape.

You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck! Surrender the tripack.

Point it towards the store, idiot!

Hey, hey, hey, you guys, you must be lost. Listen. Excuse me, sir. Yeah, the fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank. Tell your great grandson to bring his kid by.

The elderly suck the life out of the young. Get them out of here! We are closed! Come on.

Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... Strike, scream, and run.

That may have been my fault. What the hell, Toby?

So just remember, I-a-a-t-g. 'It's all about the groin.'

What if you're being attacked by a... Smallish man who happens to not have a groin?

What if you're being attacked by a 4'11" man who's penisless?

Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?

Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like a fifth-grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man.

What can the attacker then do to better protect himself? It's interesting that you're drawn to the point of view of the attacker.

The latest Chad Flenderman novel... Based from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu.

Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.

Cathy, I would like to introduce you to fatty gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired Magazine. Patty Grossman. I'm a woman.

Yeah, no [Bleep], Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging about this presentation before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?

You just need to realize so much rides on this. - You have no idea.

I'm trying to make him feel important. God. I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say.

Oh, Ryan, you're so smart. You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. - Hee hee hee. - You're so ignorant, you barely know what you're talking about.

What's a book? Oh, my God. You're so embarrassing.

You can do it, Ryan. And you know that I'm capable of this. - You're the only one who can do it, s-sweetie.

Oh, 'fix' means you hate it! I knew it! - I need something to drink!

No, not a water. A sports drink. I hate everything in that fridge. Not red-- Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red!

Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink! Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive.

I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice? I think you guys might have the wrong office. That's him... The guy I hit.

What about the lady you hit with a pine cone? There. That chubby one. I just had a baby. - Yesterday?

Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your 'thin' girlfriend. How 'bout we wait till next year after you have your kid?

There's no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me. No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere.

Oh, my God, I think I see the imprint of a ring pop.

Hey, Uncle Lucas, it's your nephew, Ryan. Honestly, I could use a prescription for ritalin right now. Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so it's different because it's your wife?

Don't talk to me right now. I'm sorry, I know you're my boss, but seriously, you need to get the hell out of my face.

Your little man is unraveling. Now, go and fix it.

Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him! Yeah! Forget him! And you should forget your husband. Well...

'I'm sorry. I lied. I'm not in the bathroom. I can't do it. I need to see my mom. I'm going home.'

You are gonna bloody ruin it. You're gonna bloody ruin it because you're a no-good half-ass cockeyed...

Look at me. Look at me! Look... At... This... Face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die.

If you don't do this, I don't stand a chance. Please, Jim.

There's nothing like some last-minute changes to really energize a presentation. Huh?

I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner? I'm not wearing eyeliner. You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.

Time. Space. Gender. There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future.

The pyramids-- The strongest shape ever constructed, a shape that fits all other shapes inside of it. No, that-- It's true.

I've been through a lot of issues in my life. I've seen drug addiction, unemployment. I've been in a relationship that tore my heart apart without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain.

When I was ten years old, my parents took me to Disney World. I cried the whole time. I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me. I just wanted... To go home.

You can play anything from Chuck to Cars 2.

Oh!

All right. Thank you so much. Wow. Wow! And good night. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much.

little things can be dangerous. Whether it's a Gremlin or Chucky The Doll-- The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace or a tub of electricity.

Good point? What is a tub of electricity? - I don't-- I don't--

It's a 12-year-old female bully. - I was a 12-year-old bully. - Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby.

You think you're so pretty! Well, you're not gonna be so pretty come prom time! Okay, this is what's called pre-violent posturing.

Take that! Not so pre-violent anymore! Okay, I'm at what's called 'the decision point.'

God! My good eye! Oh, boy!

You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others... Pam and Toby. I stepped in, and I didn't care that I was standing up to girls.

You may wanna ask yourselves, 'where were you when the girls came?'

Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank half a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good!

We could have integrated more Chuck into the presentation. Dwight. You're the Vice President.

Ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Okay! - Come on! - Aah! Right on! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Boom!