Angry Andy

Phyllis says the same 12 cliches every time it rains. So... I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today, I will send out for hot chocolates.

So how's the drive in? Oh, nobody knows how to drive in the rain. You don't say? Yeah, you know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour? Oh, the plants are gonna love this.

This rain... Does it make you wanna be doing something? What do you mean? You know, like aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain?

And that's noon. Exactly. I mean, normally the rain would make me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book. But everybody's being so nice to me today.

She's sweet. I just wish there was pockets.

What happened to Old Salty? Nellie let me bobblize him. His name is now Captain Mutato.

I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man, and make love as a mermaid.

Most of my writing involves the latter.

I am the famous Andy Bernard you've been hearing all about.

No. Obviously, we'll figure out the, uh, logistics of moving all of this stuff out of here. But... You know, the sooner the better. Get back to normalcy. Hmm, no.

And then just lay him in his crib, and then bicycle his legs. And then after Jim quiets down, you do the same thing with your baby.

Because Kelly is Indian, and... Oh, that's it. Race had nothing to do with it. I just knew they'd be good together. Why!

Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do not shake the baby. Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you gotta-- You can't do that.

Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome... If you're into Indian people. I'm not.

Maybe we weren't right together, but... it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?

That's about it, yeah.

Oh, Bobby, get accustomed to it, because then it feels good when they finally say yes.

I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to... recuse myself temporarily until I've had a chance to make love, and then go back and... analyze the situation rationally.

Buffett operates the same way.

I'm going to dock your pay $100. Okay. Five... four... You can't dock my pay. Angela! Dock Andy's pay $100! On it! Great!

I got a little bit of an anger problem. Got me in some trouble a couple years ago. When I see him start to get mad, I just... Put my hand on his arm like this.

$10,000. 5...4... You're just saying numbers. It's meaningless. It's literally like... 3... 2... One.

Hey. So last night was so not a big deal. Oh, yeah, I was just tired. We both were. Yeah. Plus, I was definitely not my normal sexy self.

Yeah. I know it's not... a big deal.

Oh, those are from our weekend at the Timeshare. Yeah, the fractional ownership property.

I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change.

When you lost the manager job... Yes? Did it affect you outside of the office? How? I don't know what the technical term is. Hmm. Penial... softiosis.

Washington Monument. Okay. Eiffel Tower. Okay, okay.

He's so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said, 'Kelly, that will be the color of our children.'

Remember how it felt when he cheated on you though? Which time?

I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan. And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician. Why you would even ask or were going to ask, because I-- I feel like that question was coming.

Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, so congratulations on that. What do you mean? Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all.

I just wanted to take the man's job, not his manhood.

Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is impotence. Which is important in its own way.

'Take a man's job, but leave him his balls.' Margaret Thatcher said that... probably. Don't know. Don't read. Didn't see the movie.

It's not just a human problem. Flounders frequently experience impotence, especially when converting from male to female and then back again to male.

I'm gonna prove it right here and now. What are you doing? What is this? Stop that! Dwight! Dwight, stop that. Stop it.

Um... I have other issues. I'm terrible at math. Overweight. You-- You're in great shape. A lot better shape than I am, tell you what.

Erin doesn't even like sex, remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton.

Uh, yes, that time that it was very late. Uh, we'd had sex so many times already, I was exhausted. I could barely see. I was very drunk.

If it makes you feel any better, I never had an orgasm until I was 42. And then when I did, it lasted till I was 44. 43 was ju-- I got nothing done.

You know, my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only, but I could let you rent it.

Dad, don't think of it as a demotion. Just think of it as a promotion to a lower level.

Small, bigger, biggest. Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional. Shut up!

Our sex life is none of your businesses! And Andy is the manager, not Nellie! Stop protecting me. I'm a man-- I can protect myself.

Dad, go to hell! I'm taller than you!

And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens... and your dumb caramels? And your stupid face! And your stupid office! Ah! Ow.

He does not like that wall.

Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together. That would actually be cool. I'd love for you to meet some of the guys.

I don't think you're a very good person. And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before. I don't like you very much.

I've never met Ravi personally, but I'm gonna go ahead and say just having knowing you short while, Brian, that I prefer Ravi. And again, I've never even met the guy.

Our love scares them. It screws up their cookie-cutter world.

Oh, boo! Boo! Pam. Boo to you! Boo! You are toxic. You are toxic!

Even if the odds are 50/50 that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly.

Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So... is there anything else you wanna say? No.

I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel in control. I feel... alive.

Kapoor and Kadesperate. He watches... Second line. He is a drifter out to see... It went the Indian Ocean in calms, one speck of white remains and waters called and Kelly grinned.

Ryan can never know.