Lotto

Snowboarder, it figures. Do snowboarders hate animals? I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car.

Here, I'm going to get in my car. When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog.

Dwight, at least aim it. [trying to give water to dog through broken window]

Don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick.

Oscar breaking car window and subsequent chaos with dog

Nein. Sitz! Gut.

The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. $950,000. And then they quit.

This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work.

When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool. They won playing my birthday.

We're looking at, at least one suicide and one weird sex thing.

Hey, Pam. Let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.

I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop or I'd kayak to my job at the bike shop.

And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?

Soho's mostly lofts, but okay.

Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy?

Well, in your fantasy, we're Stephen King characters.

Get a divorce.

Obviously, I wouldn't come in till noon. And I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to do. I mean, I'm getting paid $1 a year, okay? You can chill.

To down here, like Mr. T. And this would get seriously annoying.

I'm not checking e-mail till lunch. Four hour work week.

Jim, how about you? Yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should... Okay, no, no. That... You are so not... Oh, God.

Well, guess what? I will not do a good job.

Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess-your-baby's-birth-weight pool.

You really think I'm going to have a 14-pound baby?

They guys did invite me out to celebrate, but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.

Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.

That is not Darryl. I don't know where Darryl is. I suspect, probably, our Darryl is inside of Fat Darryl.

Negative. Three hundred boxes for me, zero for you chumps. Deal with it.

What? No Newhart fans? Okay.

Glenn is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club. But on a boat. And Hide is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals.

Maybe grab a coffee, or if there's any donuts out, you can split one. You know, they're for everybody, so people get fussy. You know what? Just have a donut.

Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player, or her husband.

Don't just take the first job that comes your way. 'Cause next thing you know, it's 10 years later, and you're still there. You could write your obituary tomorrow. It's not going to change.

I've never been lucky. And I'm not talking about the lottery. I'm talking about stuff like developing a soy allergy at 35. Who gets a soy allergy at 35? And why is soy in everything?

Everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it. You came in at 10:30 today, right?

Is this a joke? No. Not joking. This is real. Painfully real, what is happening right now.

Well, they whipped people, which was helpful. But you're right.

Like baboons or elephants.

When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen.

I like it a lot, but they hate it, so drop it.

Then I think you should fire me. I'm not going to fire you. Yeah, just put me out of my misery.

Who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy? Bulk or definition? Definition. Bruce Kenward. He hangs out at Planet Fitness.

But Dean got fixated on his calves, and, uh... And his triceps went to hell.

Because I'm never going to act like that, even in your fantasy. Nope, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now.

Hey, idiot, what did Erin want again? A hot chocolate tea.

Also, FYI, I don't technically have a hearing problem. But sometimes, when there's a lot of noises occurring at the same time, I'll hear them as one big jumble. Again, it's not that I can't hear. Because that's false, I can. Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.

So sadly, it's the best idea on the table. Exactly. Hey, I think we're ready to get this... Jim? Is he okay? He'll be fine.

Would you just fire me, man? Because you didn't win the lottery?

Make me manager or fire me. The job was mine, Andy. Everyone said it was mine.

Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem. It's just when there's a lot of noises... Nate. Please.

He didn't die, his brain died.

My future's not going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's going to be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny.

Tell them why it's called señor Loadenstein. Doesn't matter what the name is. Señor Loadenstein, that's stupid. Tell them why it's called that, Jim.

Porque es muy rápido.

I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup, I have a Swiss passport.

I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast, 'The Flenderson Files.' Duh-buh-bum.

We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain. Right, it's city and country combined.

It's too bad the schools are terrible, but what are you going to do about that? What are you going to do?