Lice

I bit my lip at lunch today. Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.

Morning, Meredith. What? Oh, sorry. Pam.

how would I feel if I was at home, stuck with the kids while she was go-karting with John Stamos?

Jim lies about taking a taxi instead of a limo to his meeting

Here's how you do it. You say, 'What are you gonna do, break up with me?' Like, as a joke. And then you gain a lot of weight.

No wonder Jim left you.

Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.

Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.

Holy wow, that's a big one.

For 15 years, they called me 'freak' and 'four eyes' and 'sci-fi nerd' and 'girl puncher,' all because I had lice when I was seven.

I use lice shampoo every morning.

It's not one of your bean-bag orgies.

Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.

That stands for hazardous materials men's suit wearing.

If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy.

If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.

The only thing that got me through mine was large amounts of Shepherd's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink.

There's a pencil poking in my rolls.

You know, I think these critters migrated from down south.

follicle gypsies, hair lawyers

Sha-boom! How do you like me now?

I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.

You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it.

I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.

Let's talk pubes, people.

Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away.

This won't help him. It's a muffin, not cake.

Jim making the shot followed by Pam's mayo disaster timing

No! No! No!

Oh, God. Stuck with the weirdo.

You don't want bugs, you know? Who knows where those bugs will end up.

Eiffel tower.

The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are from collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you've never even worn.

At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? It is because, in some strange way, it is you?

what would you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally, forever.

I was kind of feeling good about re-entering the dating pool, and then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out.

Shave her head! Shave her head!

Yeah, yeah, princess fancy-pants letting Jane 12-pack over here take the fall!

Sure, I gave everybody pink-eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And, yeah, I BMed in the Shredder on New Year's, but I didn't bring the lice in.

Well, the * effect that I don't think has kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down for ten. Nine... Yellow... Cold. Purple.

Wow. He got to purple.

You're waterboarding me!

You do kind of look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out.

I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time.

I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.