Clark Green

I run Google. Larry and Sergey brought me...

You will be called Fart. Because you fart all the time. I love it!

Body by Cheez-it. Ah! Humor. I have it, too.

You have a beautiful round head.

Hey, is this code for, like, gay stuff? 'Cause, if so, that's totally fine. Like, I'm fine with it, but, you know, you should know that I'm into the ladies.

I've always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears.

I got a buddy that's a big time local news producer, and I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind. Is it Duncan?

You'll just come over, put on a little lipstick, loosen up with a glass of red wine, and then we'll just run through a few stories... with a couple different outfits.

Something low-cut, because the camera makes everything seem higher-cut. Really? Yeah, industry secret.

And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes, but I probably got one that she could borrow at my place, so...

Pause after news. For Channel 11 News, I'm Erin Hannon. No, pause longer.

Pete and Clark doing mock introductions: 'Hi, I'm Pete! Puberty is such a drag, man.' 'And I'm Clark, I like to eat toilet paper.'

It was like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar, like you might think. It was like a swarm of bees.

Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.

If it will lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend.

He calls me Clarky 'cause he's my dad.

I mean, he's like a serial killer of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right off. It was sick. It was his birthday. Just turned three.

I sure was, just like he taught me. Looking cool.

Like the time that you got drunk and killed those kids on their way to prom. That never happened. He's always been a liar.

That's why his face always breaks out. Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher?

That place doesn't exist. It's not a documented island. Cartograph much?

You got me! I used to collect them. Why? Each one is very different, like a snowflake.

I went above and beyond-- and under.

You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal.

I thought this was an office, not the thunderdome.

I've been working here 12 weeks. That's a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we've seen.

Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl. Go to hell.

I need you to breathe in my face right now.

What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen? I looked at you coming around, and I said, 'wintergreen.'

So I'd Kobayashi Maru it. I just Kobayashi Maru'd the whole process.

This is Jim Halpert's home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever.

Oh, I'm sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee.

You're telling me David Wallace asked you to call a super-secret, classified conference-room meeting? Yeah. Let's go, everyone! Super-secret, classified conference-room meeting! Now!

But my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys! Silence! You will now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables.

Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out, no consequences.

She's living a lie.

Turns out I can't even be in a pretend relationship.

Hey, burning man, if it's not selling out too much, you might wanna throw on a tie.

Lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy. The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.

And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on as the official spokesbabe of Dunder Mifflin.

Yeah, in the European billboards, she's gonna be topless.

Clark: 'Not on a three-month boat trip. Oh, burn.'

Clark's sad bachelor confession: 'Last night I ordered a pizza by myself, and I ate it over the sink like a rat.'

Clark's workout philosophy: 'My trainer said, "everybody fails working out." That's how you win.'

Clark stuck upside-down asking for help while everyone ignores him

Oh, sorry for calling you a fat little runt earlier. You didn't actually say that. No? No. Wow! I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head.

Long-term tractor leases can put pressure on a relationship.

God, a lot of my buddies are going through the same thing right now. Something in the air.

My first week here, I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more screen time as a villain.

These chicks are way too hot to be into us.

Well, I'm here to sell paper. Burn.

Dude, there is no way that Jim is just back here to 'hang out with Pam.' He wants the manager's chair. And I thought you wanted that job.

There's no Turkish Ambassador to Armenia, the two countries don't have diplomatic relations. Uncanny.