The Target

So I just have to wait and see when she comes in, if she's cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it's business as usual.

Of course, ask me a... Questions.

Yes, a little bit. Yes! I think that thermostat is acting up again. It's the stupid thermostat! That thing's a catastrophe.

This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual.

Well, it's finally happened. Pam has ceased caring.

Queen of the primer, that one.

Last week, Jim wasn't there and they named the company Athlead. I could have prevented that.

Hey, David? How'd you like a guy who's not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?

I think it's good. He likes fishing.

I asked Andy and he told me to chillax. And then went away on a big, long boat ride.

Don't give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house.

Come on in, the water's fine. Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on!

I know. That's not why I'm naked. I always work out without my clothes.

If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes.

The text went through. All we can do is sit and wait. Oh! Look at that. Yeah, he's free any time. Not a problem.

When is my birthday? Unfair. When's my birthday? I don't know, because we're not friends.

You're not getting this, Peter. Make it go wider, up.

He's a sweet kid, Darryl, but not the sharpest guy in the drawer. Kevin, I can hear you.

Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don't see them, so I think we're good.

You tell me. What is this? That's the receipt for my gun. Read the receipt. That's a $300 gun. Someone could steal it.

It's just I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs, so I'm going to limit myself to one shrub.

You paint wall now? I mean, it's probably going to be a few minutes, so you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing. I wait.

This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote, 'sausage factory.'

So, what's the job? Murder. Okay. That's the big one.

I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, putting it on the porch. I've been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It's devastating.

But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn.

I'll have the surf and turf, with a side order of lobster. Not enough lobster. Side order.

Thanks, Oscar, you're such an angel. I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so, yeah, we're good. Yeah, we dodged a bullet.

All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer while having sex. Actually that was the sound of me eating spaghetti, but I'm going to let them think the other thing.

Kevin! What did I say? What did I just say?

Because sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them. Tell me about it. Whose hands are these? They're not my hands.

You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly.

He and the Senator are gaying each other.

Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils.

There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They're extraordinary.

When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your kneecaps.

I'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about!

I have masculinity issues, I have... Stop! No! I got it! Disarm! I summon, I summon, I summon... And disarm! Now!

Your mama is so fat, when she wears red people yell 'Hey, Kool-Aid!' Yeah, your mom is fat! This is Pam Halpert!

Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert. For insulting a client's recently deceased mother. A woman who struggled with obesity all her life.

Jazz is stupid! I mean, just play the right notes!

I did enjoy grinding your beans, son. Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. Shucking your peas!

You know what? I'm okay with that.

Where does gayness come from and how is it transmitted?

What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?

Is it called Red Vine-ing? We heard it was called Red Vine-ing. People Red-Vine?

When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?