Catherine

"who's the real first lady?" sexist bullshit. can't get drawn into it. comparing our clothing budgets and our stylists-- like that's all we care about?

stupid fucking midget. clearly he hasn't heard you sing.

or should i say canine-didates?

no, you shouldn't say that.

i don't need a ball of yappy hair shitting its body weight every 30 minutes.

four legs good; three legs bad.

simon? what an unbelievable name. i guess he just looked like a simon.

to drink or applied directly to the coat?

ha! leave my fake dog alone.

four legs good; three legs bad.

whassup, as they say in the late '90s?

although i'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world.

she'd be a rough fighter, though. she's got big shoulders. those aren't pads.

blink if you understand me, mike.

be careful your ears don't pop on the way down.

i was gonna say eva peron. yeah, i prefer that comparison. less of a mustache.

this is not the hoover dam. yeah, it is the hoover dam... filled with shit.

uh, does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?

i'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this. and there it is.

he was rapey reeves. when was that guy ever respectful?

god, today feels like the perfect storm, doesn't it? yeah, hurricane selina.

and just so you know, this is also what would happen if we were in a lifeboat.

selina is on next year's list of hurricanes. oh, shit! what if it hits and we get headlines saying 'selina causing large-scale devastation'?

people won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am. really, amy? 'cause i've met some people, okay? real people, and i've got to tell you, a lot of them are fucking idiots.

did you know old grandpa fumblepants couldn't even swim? he would just hang out in the shallow end and stare. you know what his favorite stroke was? was it dick stroke? it was dick stroke.

f.y.i., ma'am, the president is not calling. f.y.i., gary, no shit.

you are like a... earlobe-- you're just there, just wobbling.

oh, holy shit. these mushrooms are amazing. what is it, mike? must be ricotta or something in there.

so i imagine that i would mix ape shit with bat shit, raise it to a whole new level of fury, then i'd probably rip your face off and use your eye sockets as a sex toy.

it's just a hypothetical like yours.

you dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize. oh, no, i did. i signed off with colon open brackets.

chuck is a gesture all right. do you know what these oil wise guys call him? they call him 'who the fuck is chuck furnham?'

your husband was a massive player. politically speaking, of course.

i guess all those tears must be dehydrating.

cock-blocking widow.

is there even a name for that? how about catch-44?

if you say chuck furnham, i will go into anaphylactic fucking shock.

i'm saying chuck furnham. fucking hell!

the only thing that chuck is plugged into is his fucking piss bag.

this in no way will be demeaning. just pretend you're picking him up, you know, and he's blind.

now is it true that the first lady calls you creepy veepy?

as good as announced is not announced. you are as good as dead, but you're not actually dead... not yet.

tell her that i'm cancelling the lunch that was supposed to prove there's nothing more important than catherine because something more important than catherine has come up.

you guys ditched me at a pervert's memorial that's some cold shit.

a rubik's cube is not impossible to solve. i saw a chinese kid do it in like 10 seconds. 10 seconds, mike.

yeah, it looks astonished. like it's attached to jumper cables or something.

yeah, it looks astonished. like it's attached to jumper cables or something

what is that skirt? is it a rug?

you got to be fucking kidding me. i hate these animals. this thing is... unbelievably cute.

20 years ago, you had no power, but you had balls. now look at you. yeah, now look at me. i have a dick and balls, okay?

no, please. don't stop because of me. this is really interesting

you could have said, 'don't blow it.' no, i'm not gonna say that.

he's like a human teleprompter for small talk. he calls this gary-oke.

as opposed to what, the west wing of graceland?

it's kind of an open secret in washington that mike has an imaginary dog. we call it his bullshit-tzu.

that's kind of genius. thanks, todd

last two on the deck of the titanic, huh? yeah, i think i might jump.

dilka. what? dilka? dilka? i think her dad's iranian. iranian?

sweet hairy fuck.

you are not fucking thor, mom.

mom, stop talking to me like a fucking politician.

mom, stop talking to me like a fucking politician.

when you say it out loud, you know, it does sound-- kind of idiotic.

catch-44, he caught it. pow!

ma'am, you need to kill the dog. not literally, but-- i mean, yeah, if it comes to it, then literally.

you guys, are we seriously gonna let the guy with the police sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do?

oh, this rapist face gets eights. consensually, i might throw in.

you are getting this little rat-faced, repulsive, yappy, crepit-looking terrier.

it's called a shitbull terrier. it's a bullshit-tzu.

there's not enough alcohol in the world, jonah.

you got a convenient opening i can slide into? open up a slot for jonah? there's not enough alcohol in the world, jonah.

let's go mingle the shit out of 'em.

let's go mingle the shit out of 'em.

that must have hurt... unless you had a c-section.

su casa es mi casa. mi casa. mi casa es su casa.

oh, christ has risen.

tell your brother i love his music. no, he's not.

oh, christ has risen.