The Vic Allen Dinner

What rhymes with majority? Nothing. Come on, you still working on that funny song about the new Speaker? - Give it a break. - Oh, priority. And authority. Sorority. Oh, my God, there's a million words that rhyme with it.

Look where Jonah's coming from. Oh, that grin, the keys. Oh, God. He's been given West Exec parking. Yeah, the holy grail of parking.

Good morning, gentlemen. What a delightful day. I was gonna walk to work, but then... - You got West Exec? - It's just a parking spot, Dan. To be jealous of that, you'd have to be a shallow kind of... I don't know, dick, I guess.

Look at the size of his coffee mug. Jeez, you could hide a baby in that thing.

You look concerned, but steely. - Yeah. - Like a lady soldier.

Who the hell is religious as a teenager? I was. I mean, smoke some weed, for Christ's sake, right?

Oh, there are not gonna be any veterans at this teen prayer breakfast thing tomorrow, are there? / No, ma'am. No missing legs.

Oh, God, look at the president. - Jeez, he looks so... - He looks jowly. Ah, look at those cheeks. It's like two little clutch bags attached to his face.

Oh, my God, with the bags. It's always bags with you. Got to get out of the bag zone. Come on, Gary.

Would it be okay if I showed you some ideas I have regarding strategy? No time, Mr. Egan. They're mostly Flash based, but I put them on YouTube. I just said I had no time.

We're all being hit by deadlines, right, Mike? Yes, sir. They can swing around and smack you like a boom.

Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done. You know, like a cast-iron skillet or Kevin Bacon.

That's real man's sailing. Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.

I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.

You know, I once went powerboating on Lake Erie. Amazing rush.

You don't talk powerboating to us sailors, Dan. What's the fucking difference?

Jonah, out. Or else I'll see if my pepper spray works.

You've already bugged the shit out of everyone else in the building? I'm sorry, what? Say that again. Jonah, out. Or else I'll see if my pepper spray works.

13,000. No, 14,500. Is this the amount of times you've admired yourself in the mirror today? No, I'm guessing that's the difference in salary between this job and the one that you just interviewed for.

Simple makeup, higher neckline. Flats don't go with that dress, which means you probably have heels in your bag. Coffee from corner bakery implying you were at one of the lobbying shops on 18th.

I think he'll be pulling Bon Jovi out of a burning tank in case we all forgot what a fucking war hero he is.

It looks like I'm tweeting when a guy loses his leg. Yeah, it does, ma'am.

This is Kent's doing. He's trying to screw me. I'm gonna go stab him. I'm stabbing him.

I'll start running the acid bath.

This is the photograph? No, just wondering if you think this sweater goes with the dress.

That's how he looks. That's his face. Why didn't you just take the good one of me, Photoshop it in? I can't airbrush history, ma'am. I'm not Joseph Stalin.

No, that's true. You don't have a tenth of his charm.

Oh, so now I have to have Dan and Mike, Rodgers and Hammershit, come up with a new song in an afternoon?

It's a thing women can do, like smelling nice and wrapping gifts.

What are you laughing about, Jolly Green Jizzface?

I'm a meme ma'am? What are you talking about? Speak English, boy.

If there was a tsunami, you'd be genuinely looking at your phone 'cause you'd be checking the weather.

No, it's just a meme, ma'am. Not a meme ma'am. And usually they flame out after about 48 hours, but sometimes they blow up and become a super meme like Downfall or Gangnam.

Take all these meaningless syllables with you and just get out.

Okay, yeah, that's a cherry on top of this whole turd cake.

That would have made people piss in their pants.

That's not a rhyme. You're just matching a word with the same word.

Comedy songs are the mark of a douchebag. You're wrong. You know why? Three words... Weird Al Yankovic. Shit Al Yankoshit.

He's half robot, half robot. - He's a robot.

If the first one bombs, people are gonna be sitting out there thinking, 'Shit the bed, we got 49 more of these to go.'

There was this one girl, smart, who had no interest in me. She wasn't gay either. I checked.

In college there was only one girl that was interested in me. And it turns out she was actually a lesbian.

Because he'd be happy if I shot him in the face. He would be. I've actually thought about it.

That's like half of what he should have, right?

Just bought Sue for a dollar. Who's next?

I've never eaten with Gary before. I've eaten next to him, but...

Yeah, we hated him long before it was even fashionable to hate him.

This is like a wildlife documentary. Jonah in his natural habitat. He might defecate in a bush.

Yeah, he's just feeling bad. He's... you know, he's sugary. - Yeah. - Or he's not sugary enough.

Yeah, he's got fat wrists. You know?

You're like an old VCR, but with a bigger mouth.

You've been following me like Nancy Drew and his butt-sniffing dog

But at least when I'm crying about it, I am crying about it in my car in West Wing Exec parking.

I actually wrote it in my diary and stared at it for a full five minutes.

♪ Can Dana come along? ♪ - Oh, really? - No. That was a bad idea.

Now, am I getting older or are you getting younger? We're both getting older. That's the third option, of course. That's great stuff.

Well, they seemed very excited about the possibility of a woman becoming president. Not necessarily you. ( Laughs )

Amy, you should stop eating so much. What the fuck are you talking about? You're stress eating.

I mean, I hope I don't have a cat because, believe me, that poor fucker's dead.

I wouldn't want you to become a fat, neurotic freak. Speaking as a friend.

Chung's guy had a face like a Christmas ham.

That isn't impressive at all. - He's just spitting, right?

Of course, all she had to do was unlock her bedroom door, but thanks anyway.

You just need to keep in mind that I'm not Selina Dion.

This is imbecilic. You're right. It's asinine. No, keep smiling, Mr. Ryan. I'm smiling falsely. So should you.

You killed better than Chung killed and he's actually killed.

I had to pretend not to like it to Kent while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it, but he didn't actually like it and I actually really liked it.

Ma'am, your song last night made my lips curl. - Uh... ( laughs ) - Upwards.

Uh, no, you don't want me, sir. You do want Dan. - He's great. - I've got a big bounce coming on. I can feel it. I'm like you.

Ma'am. Ma'am, please don't let him take me. I don't want to go to numbers camp. / I can't help you. Just let go. / Please. Please. Let go of me, all right?

I don't make impressions, ma'am. I've literally lived with people who insist I was never there.

I become Mike, you become an ugly me.

Isn't that great? Would you ever describe a cheese as dusky? Not in a million years, no. I wouldn't do that.

And they would have made her an offer that she couldn't refuse. Actually, the mafia involvement in the dairy industry is minimal.

Think about it. In 'The Godfather,' no cheese. - Yeah, you're right. - You know I'm right. - Boom! - That's her catchphrase.

A Lev... a new Leviathan! Isn't that great? Does it have the same layout, honey? Because it took you so long to learn the other one.

♪ I love my new bag! ♪ I can just sew some new pockets in. That's okay.

You know, while you're getting to know your own mind, I'm getting to know the rest of you. - ( Laughs ) - And Mama likes. - Excuse me. - Mama like it.

I won't touch anything. Oops, I just started a war with Iran. - Joke. - That's not even remotely funny.

Well, our European visit just got turned into a one-way trip to hell and back. - That's actually a return. - You know what? Could you just shut it just for like two seconds?

I think it's pronounced Georges Denis. I'm not a hick. Screw you, Depardieu.

I just liked the song so much. And I thought you wanted it out there, so I just put it out there.

I just liked the song so much. And I thought you wanted it out there, so I just put it out there.

Get off the plane. What? - Get off of the plane. - Ma'am, we're taxiing. I don't give a shit. Get the fuck off my plane.

But I didn't even own a car. I just had to sign a two-year lease for the Nissan Cube.

He should really be on suicide watch. Yeah, make sure he goes through with it.

I leased a Nissan Cube from you the other day. What are my options if I don't need it anymore? Can I just give that back? No? ( Sighs ) Paper.