Joint Session

We're making history. We're the first woman president, right? Well, I am. You're not, Michael.

I'm getting jiggy with it. I'm gonna get that Philip Roth book back to you. I haven't forgotten about it.

This is just noise-shaped air.

Mike trying to be healthy. It's like a potato trying to whistle.

If I make it to 50, I can quit fruit for good.

How many is that? This would be my second.

Great pep talk, man.

During which I can sleep and you can squeeze nutrient paste into my mouth.

We're looking at a big, fat Greek funeral.

Everything's my fault now.

Harvard education right there.

There are a million young women around here and they all look exactly the same to me.

You big lady racist.

Smells like Puerto Rico in here.

That's files Mike11A1 and Mike11A11. That's for my reference.

That was the actual President of the United States. It never stops being cool.

For now, just put a marker that just says 'future whatever.'

Suckas.

I wouldn't want him to have the shitty experience that I had as veep.

You're holding it wrong. You're holding it wrong.

Ladies be crying, pimps be dying. It's Jonah Ryan.

It doesn't reek of moisturizer and vaginal spray anymore. And that was just Dan.

Like a strap-on in a porn dungeon... rock hard and covered in pussy juice.

You know who won the war? I believe that we... we did? No, not the grunts in the front. It was the fellas behind the scenes.

Like the Catholic Church. Yeah, or an Arkansas wedding.

Oh, no, we're good. We're friends forever. All right, okay, cool. Thanks, Teddy. You're a good man, Jonah. We need guys like you, because this game takes guts. Yeah. Yeah. Right? And it takes balls.

Well, he's not dead, ma'am. No. It's fun for me to say, though.

Poor working moms seem to love it for some reason. But they only ever vote with their phones, usually for other poor young moms who can't sing.

Yeah, we just got to do a cock-thumb. What? What did you say? A cock-thumb?

Okay, well, let's cock-thumb. I really don't care for that term.

The Prime Minister of India has sent you this. Why? I can't really work it out, but I'll put in a time for you to thank him. No, I don't want that. No duck? No. Sue: It's a dead duck.

For example, I love my mother, but I had to put her in a home. And it's actually better for her if I don't visit.

I feel like I've got a hamster wheel in my head. You know that feeling?

Did you ever hear the theory that Reagan hired Hinckley just so he could get two weeks in bed?

Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay. Get about 10 bucks for that.

Chicken and egg scenario. Yeah, but where the chicken is just refusing to ovulate.

Austerity or playgrounds?

Don't blame me for this, Amy. Don't shoot the messenger. I just gave you the message. You're being shot by the messenger.

It's like a diet soufflee.

Can mice levitate, Mike? Can they levitate and fire lasers out of their mouse eyes? No. Well, then we've just asked each other equally ridiculous questions.

You can just use the FLOTUS window. Looks right down onto the Oval Office. A lot of anxious First Ladies use it.

I got recognized on the street today. Guy had already met me and then forgot that he met me and then recognized me from TV and then remembered me again.

If any of you new bitch puppies need help finding the mommy teats around here, you can just ask a West Wing vet, 'kay?

It's great. Why are you even asking? I mean, it's so good. It's fucking... it's great. Me, Doyle. I mean, come on, Teddy. Of course, Teddy. So good over there, guys. So good.

For a lonely suicide or an affair with your secretary. It's discreet. There's no DC people here.

Was Vladimir Draw-Attention-To-Myself already taken?

Illinois Institute of Technology.

Good, 'cause that last minute was a very long minute.

Why would you do that the fuck for?

Does he realize that or is he gonna find out on ESPN?

No, he's very, very stupid.

Your job is very interesting. Challenging. Very exciting job. My job, yes, it is. The job I have is a very good job.

Do you know what? I have never looked at her from this angle. And she still just radiates... okay.

He could have your job. You know, I'm saying all this out loud and I probably shouldn't be.

Oh, I have a sixth sense. And a seventh for when I need it.

It's like Colombian tongue sex.

I've never actually seen it, but as I understand, there's a scene where they all walk in a row like this.

I'm used to dealing with angry, aggressive, dysfunctional men, i.e., men.

That and farting during first Communions.

It's funny... I don't really think of you as a man.

I understand you're on the warpath. I get that. I think it's your favorite path.

Vampires! God, stop! If I was a ninja, you'd be dead right now. That's a life lesson courtesy of Jobi-Wan Kenobi.

Yeah, but here I am. I'm thinking it. The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable.

Kent majored in fortune cookies.

Yeah, that's horse hockey. Forgive me, ma'am. No, no. No forgiveness needed. I mean, at least you didn't say that's fucking bullshit.

It was designed for an outdated Cold War scenario that's gone the way of the fax machine and the VCR.

Five-zero followed by a bunch of zeroes? Nine.

I think Lassie is trying to tell us something.

That wasn't a cock-thumb. That was a cock-cock.

Get it in here in five-dollar bills. I'm gonna climb it and see if I get frostbite.

Well, you know what? You're in phenomenal shape. For a man of your age, it's just extraordinary.

It's '50 Shades of Great.'

It looks like you have a penis. Which you can totally pull off if you had... if you had to.

I don't like to swear, guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F.

The shit is gonna hit the fuck? No, F is for fan, Mike, not fuck. Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.

10 fucking points to Elsa the ice queen.

We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy.

You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin, or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state. And then this little round fucking window comes from another place.

So take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you.

Hey, Dobby the house elf, we've had enough.

You can wave bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are going to Vulcan death grip you to fuck. Live long and fuck off.

Popped your cardiac cherry, huh, Mike?

Oh, see, you're being sarcastic, Jim. Absolutely thrilled, really. Oh, no, see, that's sarcasm. That is sarcasm. It is, I see it.

What's with that Deputy Dawg face you got going?

That's the long and shit of it.

Just end high school in ninth grade or something.

I'm looking at you, but I'm shaking somebody else's hand. It's the strangest feeling.

How come you type with only two fingers? You're not a sloth.

Why have you blinded the president, Gary?

No one hates me more than I hate myself.

You're wrong there.

They're not dead.

Ha ha ha! I've done it! I rule so hard.

There are literally no words.

My entire career just flashed before my eyes. It was incredibly impressive.

She's bebop speaking.

I detest jazz, but this is impressive.

Well, she just announced a dead guy's plan. He's not fucking dead.

Instead now, that money is going to fund obsolete, metal, giant dildos.

Just to let you know that two of the hikers are dead.

What hikers?!