Selina and her staff scramble to avert a major internal crisis; Amy is angry with a new advisor.
Convention chaos reaches 81.2 with 64 jokes—Selina's damage control spirals fastest here.
Directed by Stephanie Laing · Written by David Quantick, Sean Gray
WAR
66.6
Wins Above Replacement
“Convention” ranks #27 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 81.2 — Elite. The episode packs 64 scored jokes at 1.6 per minute, averaging 7.1 on craft and 7.0 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked.
Amy Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch he's been fondling Jonah's balls like he's trying to figure out what the prize inside is.
Ben Setup/Punchline Absurdist ★ Rewatch I'm afraid, with deep regret... I'm going to have to accept.
Tom James Misdirection Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch You have two settings... No decision and bad decision.
Amy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked.
Amy Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 64 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." - (crowd cheers)
It's clear that I'm a man, isn't it? I haven't been carded for years. Like, three years.
Jason Character Comedy Absurdist You know, like living next to a highway.
It sounds like you've been kidnapped by the Taliban.
Selina Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Well, I am such a zucchini fan, I practically photosynthesize.
as crammed as a drug mule's poop pocket
You ever hear of Jonah Ryan? No. Old buddy of mine. We go way back.
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy the only people left in DC work at CVS
Dan Observational Deadpan/Understatement All sciences are precise. That's what science means.
Amy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement He's half dead. - Half dead? - Yeah, he's been half-acuted.
Like being decapitated but surviving. Happens to chickens a lot.
Mike Dark/Subversive Absurdist Wow, dead kids... That never sounds good unless you're a stressed-out single mom.
Unknown Dark/Subversive Observational There's only one midget I'm gonna let tell me what to do, and I'm gonna go tell her that I'm done.
What's she gonna do, pin a dick on Gary and give him the job?
Doyle Absurdist Character Comedy She's fucking ethnic! This is Latinageddon.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Escalation ★ Rewatch I wish I was that guy on death row. Apparently he's vomiting black bile.
Selina Dark/Subversive Escalation Callback He gets sexy Mexi. What am I stuck with? Doyle? Steve Martin's boring older brother.
There is no way on God's green cock that you can get out on matter of principle.
Ben Character Comedy Absurdist he's been fondling Jonah's balls like he's trying to figure out what the prize inside is.
Ben Setup/Punchline Absurdist ★ Rewatch It's like Christmas except happy.
Amy Observational Deadpan/Understatement God, you'd think they could do that right. Death row... the clue is in the name.
Selina Observational Dark/Subversive Callback Isn't that spooky? Not even remotely.
There's no way it could be on the fritz. Just doublecheck and see if it is.
Dan Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Eggnog latte if it's in season. Is it? No, it isn't. Okay, I'll have a skinny cap.
I'm the wheel-greaser. I'm the puppet master. A man of many nicknames. Poonslayer.
Jonah Character Comedy Escalation She and I are closer than two fat guys in an elevator.
Dan Setup/Punchline Absurdist Wait, actually, it's long for Amy.
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist I think you must have given the go-ahead for Pearl Harbor.
Amy Setup/Punchline Escalation And my Bible. Although she is my Bible, so that's two Bibles.
Oh, that's nice. Fuck off, I'm busy.
Ben Misdirection Character Comedy 30 years as a senator and your asshole's getting more screen time than your face.
I understand you've been twirling Jonah's balls like they're some kind of exotic stress reducer.
Ben Setup/Punchline Absurdist ★ Rewatch I wish someone would sexually assault my staff. And by staff I mean penis.
which of us hasn't gotten off in some guy's junk? You know, just for a laugh?
And that goes double for fondling Jonah.
Teddy Callback Cringe/Discomfort Callback And you never know. Someday somebody might just... (imitates gunshot)
Selina Dark/Subversive Physical/Slapstick The shitty, two-faced, fat fucking turd said no.
I like Tom James and I hate everyone.
Ben Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch He died. - Oh, finally, right? It's one less thing to worry about.
Sue Selina Dark/Subversive Reaction Beat Callback Actually, I have very little sense of taste. Hence the tie.
Not that you don't. Though people say you don't.
Yeah, shoe polish and he never even shared.
Ben Dark/Subversive Character Comedy I guess we could all eat pussy all day long, too, right?
Yeah, that's why we 86'd him, Mike.
Ben Wordplay/Pun Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch I am an Ameri-can with a merry plan. I subscribe to a 'whistle while you work' philosophy. (Blows)
Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'Cause it's working.
Selina Escalation Character Comedy I think that each candidate has merits and demerits. And I don't know my left butt cheek from my right butt cheek, but I believe in listening to both butt cheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth.
Selina Escalation Character Comedy I have bitten my tongue so long, it looks like a dog's cushion.
Amy Setup/Punchline Absurdist You have two settings... No decision and bad decision.
Amy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by
You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery.
Amy Escalation Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked.
Amy Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked.
Amy Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Well, that was clearly about me. She's just one of those women who resents powerful women.
Selina Reaction Beat Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Like Evel Knieval. - Yeah. - No, better. Lovely Knovley.
He has one skeleton. You're looking at her.
I could murder and make a lampshade out of a Manhattan.
I could murder and make a lampshade out of a Manhattan.
Madam President, I... I had a feeling that this was in the wind. Sure, okay. Yeah. I'm afraid, with deep regret... Oh, my God. That I'm going to have to accept.
I'm afraid, with deep regret... I'm going to have to accept.
Tom James Misdirection Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch This is the best announcement since all those pandas got pregnant.
Mike Absurdist Observational Your champagne's been laced with polonium. I mean, not really. It's just to lighten up the moment a little bit.
Kent Dark/Subversive Misdirection Well, you know, it's funny because we actually bumped teeth there.
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Observational