Convention

"Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." - (crowd cheers)

It's clear that I'm a man, isn't it? I haven't been carded for years. Like, three years.

You know, like living next to a highway.

It sounds like you've been kidnapped by the Taliban.

Well, I am such a zucchini fan, I practically photosynthesize.

as crammed as a drug mule's poop pocket

You ever hear of Jonah Ryan? No. Old buddy of mine. We go way back.

the only people left in DC work at CVS

All sciences are precise. That's what science means.

He's half dead. - Half dead? - Yeah, he's been half-acuted.

Like being decapitated but surviving. Happens to chickens a lot.

Wow, dead kids... That never sounds good unless you're a stressed-out single mom.

There's only one midget I'm gonna let tell me what to do, and I'm gonna go tell her that I'm done.

What's she gonna do, pin a dick on Gary and give him the job?

She's fucking ethnic! This is Latinageddon.

I wish I was that guy on death row. Apparently he's vomiting black bile.

He gets sexy Mexi. What am I stuck with? Doyle? Steve Martin's boring older brother.

There is no way on God's green cock that you can get out on matter of principle.

he's been fondling Jonah's balls like he's trying to figure out what the prize inside is.

It's like Christmas except happy.

God, you'd think they could do that right. Death row... the clue is in the name.

Isn't that spooky? Not even remotely.

There's no way it could be on the fritz. Just doublecheck and see if it is.

Eggnog latte if it's in season. Is it? No, it isn't. Okay, I'll have a skinny cap.

I'm the wheel-greaser. I'm the puppet master. A man of many nicknames. Poonslayer.

She and I are closer than two fat guys in an elevator.

Wait, actually, it's long for Amy.

I think you must have given the go-ahead for Pearl Harbor.

I had Chungmania mania.

And my Bible. Although she is my Bible, so that's two Bibles.

Oh, that's nice. Fuck off, I'm busy.

30 years as a senator and your asshole's getting more screen time than your face.

I understand you've been twirling Jonah's balls like they're some kind of exotic stress reducer.

I wish someone would sexually assault my staff. And by staff I mean penis.

which of us hasn't gotten off in some guy's junk? You know, just for a laugh?

And that goes double for fondling Jonah.

And you never know. Someday somebody might just... (imitates gunshot)

The shitty, two-faced, fat fucking turd said no.

I like Tom James and I hate everyone.

He died. - Oh, finally, right? It's one less thing to worry about.

Actually, I have very little sense of taste. Hence the tie.

Not that you don't. Though people say you don't.

Yeah, shoe polish and he never even shared.

I guess we could all eat pussy all day long, too, right?

Yeah, that's why we 86'd him, Mike.

I am an Ameri-can with a merry plan. I subscribe to a 'whistle while you work' philosophy. (Blows)

Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'Cause it's working.

I think that each candidate has merits and demerits. And I don't know my left butt cheek from my right butt cheek, but I believe in listening to both butt cheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth.

I have bitten my tongue so long, it looks like a dog's cushion.

You have two settings... No decision and bad decision.

I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by

You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery.

The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked.

The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked.

Well, that was clearly about me. She's just one of those women who resents powerful women.

Like Evel Knieval. - Yeah. - No, better. Lovely Knovley.

He has one skeleton. You're looking at her.

I could murder and make a lampshade out of a Manhattan.

I could murder and make a lampshade out of a Manhattan.

Madam President, I... I had a feeling that this was in the wind. Sure, okay. Yeah. I'm afraid, with deep regret... Oh, my God. That I'm going to have to accept.

I'm afraid, with deep regret... I'm going to have to accept.

This is the best announcement since all those pandas got pregnant.

Your champagne's been laced with polonium. I mean, not really. It's just to lighten up the moment a little bit.

Well, you know, it's funny because we actually bumped teeth there.