Inauguration

I stake my reputation on this. Selina Meyer will never be vice president ever, ever again.

Pot, kettle.

That's literally the least you can do.

I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration.

General George Washington could climb out of his grave right now and I would rather eat out his zombified wooden asshole twice a day than be his vice fucking... fucking anything!

Out of how many? - 44. You were right ahead of James Buchanan, who many feel caused the Civil War.

Kent, can you give a girl some warning next time before you jam it in the back door?

Oh, God. I can't take that much acoustic guitar.

Too bad Goebbels killed himself.

The only president to pee sitting down since FDR.

Well, I pee sitting down sometimes if it's gonna be a longy.

Wherever they have prostitutes. These guys could help you.

No, New Hampshire is just a fancy word for 'it's cold outside, so I don't shave my pubes.'

It's really more of a copresident position. Wouldn't you agree with that, Ben? - Sure.

Oh, right, no touchy the ladies. Oh, no, no. It's fine. It's private. Just don't let the lunatics back home know.

You have decided to throw away every last shred of dignity you have and accept my offer of the vice presidency. - I... I guess so, yeah.

It's like a shitty Groundhog Day.

Sir, by any objective standards, Colt, Brady, and Mason are unequivocally hot, not not.

Hot interns means girls. How the fuck do you not know that?

I want you guys to get used to two things... killing it daily on the Hill and nights rated PG-squirteen.

But feel free to follow along on the television or perhaps on one of the many bugs that you've planted throughout the White House

Come on, you page-diddling Hawaiian fat fuck.

Thank you, Summerlin, you senile old piss sponge.

Now you know what it feels like.

Gary's entire meltdown: 'That magnificent woman counted on you and you losers let her down... All you fucking cared about was your stupid, bad selves... I did my job! I fucking cared!'

Your numbers are garbage. Your speeches, garbage.

Well, that just kind of made this whole year worth it.

Yeah, she seems really, really large for a baby. - I was a tall kid when I was three.

So what's the reason now, then?

Mine takes place in an alternate timeline where overweight, alcoholic ex-chiefs of staff are considered a sexual prize.

Mine takes place in an alternate timeline where overweight, alcoholic ex-chiefs of staff are considered a sexual prize

Alternate timelines are a crutch for lazy sci-fi premises, e.g., 'Star Trek' with the exception of 'Deep Space Nine.'

MSNBC has just learned that President-Elect Montez plans to nominate Wall Street banker Charlie Baird... President Meyer dated the banker briefly late last year.

I don't even remember how to drive.

I don't even remember how to drive. I need a wallet. And stamps. I've got to get stamps

And then it turned out to be the 12 loneliest months of my life.

Maybe my auntie was actually my real mother and my mother was actually my grandmother. Ah, wow, that's starting to make a whole lot of sense. Everybody knew about it but me, too.

Oh, my God, I hope I didn't fuck Richard.

Do you realize the whole goddamn Rayburn House Office Building can hear you and your twink army in here cock scraping each other's esophagi?

You look like Clark Kent if they dug up Christopher Reeve's corpse to play the part.

And as for you ladies, this is DC, not Miami.

My fucking nuts!

Mike, she has the head circumference of a six-year-old. - I'm six.

Girls will cost you later. Mm, girls are the worst

And where exactly in Ohio are you from, Laura?

Your head is so far up Montez's ass. Next time it's Alejandro's birthday, he's gonna come all over your face.

You're not gonna believe this, but she just freed the lamas.

You're not gonna believe this, but she just freed the lamas

I had no idea her tits were that big.

Well, I've always dreamed of living in a small town, having a little place on Main Street, hanging a shingle out front, and running my own little multibillion-dollar hedge fund.

Well, I've always dreamed of living in a small town, having a little place on Main Street, hanging a shingle out front, and running my own little multibillion-dollar hedge fund

Or winning presidential elections. - Well, that's not true. - Yeah, it is.

What am I walking on? - Grass, ma'am.

but you have a lump on your left testicle. I just want to biopsy it and we can take it from there. - Take what from where?

I'm married. I have the ring hiding under the gloves. No, I saw it. No. Oh

Selina, good news. We found the missing Nevada ballots. You won.