Kissing Your Sister

Alabama first in the alphabet, last in every other fucking thing.

I believe it's number one in easiest state to get away with murdering a black guy.

Ooh, bam-a-lama ding dong!

Yeah, well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.

I do not give my consent to have my likeness appear in this or any other film.

I'm gonna have to have approval over all of this footage, Catherine, okay?

Daddy did a lot of business with Bebe Rebozo.

I went home with a congressional fan girl last night. I don't have my car. I think I'm in Maryland.

Shh! She's got a fucking parrot, and if the parrot wakes up, the parrot's gonna make noise and wake up her mom.

I don't know how to drop a fucking pin.

Playing catcher is kind of like being the economy czar. There's not a lot of glory, but a lot of squatting. A lot of asses in your face.

Cheese, please, Louise.

Oh, yeah, like one of those movies for people who like to be sad.

You know, at night when I dare to close my eyes, I dream about your mother losing and then coming upon her holding a cardboard sign at the bottom of a highway exit ramp.

It says, 'I'm so sorry, Bill Ericsson.'

When you have those kinds of negative feelings, you just pick them up and you stuff them in your box and you close it down tight and you take that box and you shove it way back here in your... in the corner of your head and swallow that key.

Oh. I just think they ran out of money. They should probably just print more. I don't know why it's been such a big issue.

Yeah, right after the inauguration, we'll show Mr. McShittock the door.

You need to be quick and you need to sort of, uh, I don't even know what the word is.

And Ta-da! We went with a Winnie the Pooh knockoff. It's made in China so Ellen will feel right at home. I think he's called Happy Sun Bear.

the fact that I'm a woman means we will no longer have any women presidents because we've already tried one and she fucking sucked.

Unless afterward she went into a bathroom stall and used the old two-fingered wood chipper.

Wait, is that when you had your nervous breakdown? No, no, I did not... no, I went to a spa, sweetie.

She's on the math team.

She already told me she was a senior at Georgetown. Turns out she meant Georgetown Day School.

Plus she taught me how to make sure the camera is on.

You listen to me, all right? You are already dead. What you do now you do for your family.

Is my entire presidency about to have its neck snapped by Congressman Lennie here?

It's like the best episode of 'Falcon Crest' ever.

I do hope you'll wait till your hair grows to have your portrait painted.

She looks like a boy.

Jesus fucking Christ. You got to tell your sister to stop calling me.

It actually cost the same as the kid, so it works out.

I can't wait for Wendy to see it. She is gonna... possibly like it.

How am I doing? Eating so much pussy I'm shitting clit, son.

I think the problem is that you lack upper body strength.

♪ If you want to know who we are, We are gentlemen of Japan... ♪

I just thank God I didn't hit those schoolchildren. Who gives a fuck about them? Go! Go!

Stalemate his endgame. Shades of Karpov versus Kasparov.

You big lesbo.

Joyce, she took care of me after my third heart attack. My second wife was a nurse as well. I guess I have a thing for nurses, huh?

These Precious Moments figurines are a very good investment.

Yeah, that's the least reassuring sentence I've heard since 'It's okay, it's just the tip.'

It's looking tighter than Will's own butthole when he's got his finger jammed up there watching 'Bad News Bears' while he jerks off.

All right, I wanted to fuck you! That's right! And now you're trying to fuck me again tonight. No, I am fucking you tonight! No, I'm gonna fuck you! No, no, no, no, no...

This is Catherine Meyer, my, uh, work friend.

Marjorie is insufferable, okay? There are other... there are other fish in the sapphic sea, babe.

My God, in 12 years, I'm gonna be a shriveled-up can of ass.

Seriously, I can't... I mean, my political window just slams shut the second I can't wear sleeveless dresses.

my political window just slams shut the second I can't wear sleeveless dresses.

Please, God, deliver Jonah to Congress and then give him any kind of cancer. I don't care.

The gentleman from New Hampshire puts forth onto the floor a do-over, thank you.

Oh, you're clutching your bag like I'm gonna steal it.

Some say a tie is like kissing your sister. But it took an electoral college tie for me to get to kiss the sister I never knew I had.

Truck stop glory hole. Can do a handstand still.

Sometimes, like, in a futuristic... like a sci-fi movie, you'll see, like, a robot that's like the old version of the robot and you kind of feel bad.

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